Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
Hi everyone,
I am new to this world I now find myself soon to be immersed in. My husband has plead guilty to 2nd degree provoked passion. As they were originally trying to get him for 1st degree it was the best we could do. He goes for sentencing within a month where he could get 13 to 32 years in prison. He was only trying to protect me and a friend from harm and sadly the person died. He never meant to kill anyone just to protect those he loved, wished that everyone could see that.
I haven't allowed myself to breakdown about anything yet since I feel the need to be strong for not only his family but for him as well. This may sound crazy but part of me has been pretending or pushing back the idea that this is going to happen. I know the minute I allow myself to crack I won't be able to stop for a little while. He has never been in trouble with the law before other than a DUI.
I worry of the unknown. Not being able to see him everyday or know what he is going to go through. I am hoping that by being apart of this group I can allow myself to share my feelings with those who have been or are going through the same thing. I look forward to being an active member.
Thank you in advance to anyone who posts. (And sorry for such a lenghty post)
I am new to this world I now find myself soon to be immersed in. My husband has plead guilty to 2nd degree provoked passion. As they were originally trying to get him for 1st degree it was the best we could do. He goes for sentencing within a month where he could get 13 to 32 years in prison. He was only trying to protect me and a friend from harm and sadly the person died. He never meant to kill anyone just to protect those he loved, wished that everyone could see that.
I haven't allowed myself to breakdown about anything yet since I feel the need to be strong for not only his family but for him as well. This may sound crazy but part of me has been pretending or pushing back the idea that this is going to happen. I know the minute I allow myself to crack I won't be able to stop for a little while. He has never been in trouble with the law before other than a DUI.
I worry of the unknown. Not being able to see him everyday or know what he is going to go through. I am hoping that by being apart of this group I can allow myself to share my feelings with those who have been or are going through the same thing. I look forward to being an active member.
Thank you in advance to anyone who posts. (And sorry for such a lenghty post)
She has come a long way. I have had many talks with her, on here, and on the phone.
You will learn to cope somehow with this. Somedays you will be better than others. The fear of the unknown is the worst. Not knowing how he really is, not knowing the length of time he will be gone. The emptiness sort of consumes you, but then you need to focus on things that help you get through the day.
I am an old pro at this, unfortunately. I have the dubious honor of having had two people I love in and out of prison more than a few times. My son, and my fiance. Sometimes they are in at the same time, sometimes just as one gets out the other goes in.
You have to stay busy. That's vital to your own survival. It's hard, but you have to push yourself. You cannot focus on him, what he's going through and how much you miss him every minute of your day.
I started helping my friends with their lives, I started remodeling my home, and I started going to college a few years ago, to keep my mind busy. I now just got my Associates Degree in Business Administration and haha am now starting my Bachelor's in Criminal Justice of all things.
It helps keeping busy. And do not watch shows like Lockup. They sensationalize the way it is in the prisons. As my fiance says, If they put on there the daily boredom that really goes on, those shows wouldn't last a week or two.
The whole justice system is so messed up, and certainly no one in it cares about the people left behind, such as us. There are no support groups that you can find for families and loved ones of incarcerated people. They don't offer those at the prisons either. They should. We are vital to their success in prison and out.
You most definitely came to the right place, finding DS. I found it accidentally in 2007 I believe. I was despondent with grief, with two in prison. I was looking for support groups. I was thinking more like AA where you go sit with people and discuss things. I found none, but I found DS. It actually saved my life. I was just about suicidal. I had no one to talk to that could relate. This site reeeally helped me get through all of it.
We all vent, whine, complain, cry, and we also find things to laugh about. We look for each other on here. We get to know each other, and if someone hasn't been on for awhile, we worry. We have never met, but we are friends. Friends that truly understand each other's feelings and emotions. We advise, we listen, we console. So stick with us, our new friend, we will help you get through this. In the ways we can, at least.
ihatewisconsin can i just say i just about started crying when your read response. I do feel lucky to have found this place. I currently unemployed so that doesn't help my stress level at all either. So I am looking for work and I stay in contact with a couple friends who actually have stuck by our side. I joke that I will through the raising of their kids until hopefully one day we could have our own. I feel better already and know that I am not alone. ^_^ Congrats on your Associates degree we well.
I still have my really bad days, like today. Haven't heard from him at the normal times he usually calls. So stupidly I worry, thinking the worst, then its just usually he had to work late. He has a job in there.
Today my stomach is doing flip flops from many things. I am unemployed too, which almost has been a blessing. I hated my job, they were terrible to work for, couldn't of handled the stress, but now, my unemployment has been held for an eligibility issue. What issue, I got it for 9 months?? So that's making me a wreck, and I haven't been able to visit him for a year. We did something very stupid and got our visits banned for a year. Tomorrow I can send in the application for visits again, then play the waiting game to see if and when I can go see him. OMG I am the one needing a pat on the back today.
Being unemployed has been great, and also bad. I sit and think more when not doing my homework, but I also go get my granddaughter who is 5 and keep her long periods of time. She helps this whole situation. The power of a little child is priceless. The smiles they give you, the knowing when you need a hug. She will run off to play and come back, just to say Hi Gramma, I love you, then run back to play.
You will make it. We all are somehow. Today, not so good, but later, may be fine. It happens like that with any change in his routine. I worry endlessly, and usually its nothing. BUT a few times when he didn't call there was a problem, such as he went to the hospital for being injured at work, or sick. That's when it kills you, when you find out they were in a hospital and no one calls you. You feel you should be at their side. But still no one calls you and if they did, you couldn't go be with them anyway.
I am into this time, 2 years so far, with at least 1 year to go, if not more, depending if and when they put him in treatment.
Somedays I just miss him. Other days I am mad as hell we are doing this again. Emotions are just crazy. That part gets a little easier with time, but us old veterans at this still have our off days. Yesterday, just didn't want to do anything. DIdn't want to get out of bed, couldn't deal with anything. Today I want to, but my stomach is crazy, since he hasn't called. Sometimes I think its so funny when he actually can't get me on the first one or two rings and he is worried. OMG how much time have I spent worrying about why he hasn't called!!!
It humbles them too. They start to see what they had that they took forgranted before. They start to appreciate us more. At least for awhile when they get home they still do, too.
Now I am at the time where pretty soon it is COUNT time. So then he can't call for 2 hours. TODAY I am a mess, tomorrow, I will be ontop of the world again.
WELCOME TO THE ROLLERCOASTER RIDE OF LOVING AN INMATE. ( I hate that word, INMATE)
One thing I am finding difficult to do is control my anger. I feel horrible that I am getting angry with his family for taking time with him away from me. I feel like they had a year to hangout and spend time with him. Now that there is only 30 days left they want to cram everything into the weekends and during the week. Our one year anniversary is on the 21st and then his sentencing is on the 28th.
I just feel like they get to go back to their normal lives and it will be easier to deal whereas I will be coming to an empty house, an empty bed and everything. You can't tell I am having a bad can you lol.
Your strength gives me confidence that this won't break me. I cross my fingers that you do get visitation back too. I can only imagine what that is like. When my husband was in county before we got him bonded out was difficult to see him only through a screen. That was only 2 1/2 months.
I cracked joked with him saying if the world does end or some type of zombie apocolaypse happens I will make sure he gets out lol. Funny stuff. ^_^
I am happy that you take joy spending time with your grandbaby. Don't worry he will call and like you said he probably had to work late. Besides you don't want to give yourself wrinkles ^_^
Let's face it there is no manuel when this type of thing happens but at least I have this as a support system ^_^
He was not legally drunk, but he was on probation,so no drinking aloud. His alcohol was .04. Should of been just a probation violation, but nope they got him on a drinking " offense", not a DUI, but same sentence.
Oh I have had alot of problems with anger. I hate cops. I don't care how nice they are, I feel they are all out to get us, especially in small towns where one admitted to me that they try to never go after someone they know. It has to be an outsider or all their friends, family, and neighbors would hate them. We are new to the area, so we got it.
I have decided to do the Criminal Justice classes to understand how they are taught. Oh I bet I will have a few things to say that the instructor won't like. They don't want to know about the other side of it. The law is the law, unless its not. Here, there is little or no crime. They have to justify all the cops on the payroll. I should copy the police reports from around here someday for you. The most ridiculous things. I am from MPLS, I am used to real crime. And real bad guys, not just some guy who had no other way to get around but drive, without a license. They make a big deal out of that, and take alot of licenses from people for many reasons.
phxmoon, yep he just worked longer today. HAHA last week he worked later because they had to throw 2200 lbs of expired macaroni and cheese away. I asked if they threw it noodle by noodle. Guess they don't get pallets and forklifts. Those might be dangerous. Or, ooops, he don't have a driver's license. HAHA.
I would be upset with the family too, but on the other hand, they are sad too. I hate the empty, lonely house. I hate coming home from a family weekend alone. I hate not having him with me when everyone else has the person they love with them. I hate alot of things now. It feels like it never ends.
When my son was going in, we had months to prepare. But there is no real preparing. BUT I went to his apt every weekend to spend time with him, his daughters, his gf and 900 of his closest friends that kept coming and going all darn weekend. I was pissed. Then the last weekend, reeeally upset, awaiting the time to go to court when he would be taken. OMG people coming and going all night, he got trashed, everyone was crying, I was crying, and babysitting. But in a way it was so cool. Kids he grew up with from kindergarten on, came to say goodbye. That last day, the apt was full, people kept coming like a receiving line at a wedding. They would hug him, say goodbye, I would run in the back room bawling, they were handing him money to take to prison and to help his gf support the kids. It was amazing. THEN at the courthouse, at least 40-50 people showed up in the waiting room, just for him. There was 3 strangers there, they looked at us all like he had to of been a celebrity or something.
In the courtroom, we filled up the room except for the 3 strangers who had to be in court, and a couple lawyers for them. The guard looked nervous, got on his little device on his shoulder, calling for backup, I think he thought we would riot or something.
Son's lawyer said in all his years of defending criminals he had NEVER seen anything like this.
The judge walked in, they did the other people first. They left, then she looked around, and said, Oh my, this is the hugest gathering of family and friends, I have ever had in my courtroom. She said his full name, and said, clearly you must be a very loved and special guy that this many people are here to support you. So I want you to look around, and see that you have people depending on you not to mess up your life once you are out.
He had an expensive, expensive lawyer, and a judge that was impressed, and he got alot less time than we thought. 4 years.
It could of been 10-20, and that still hangs over his head if he messes up again. The drug task force for 4 counties in the metro area had watched him 6 years.
He had support of his family and friends the whole time he was in. I don't see that with some of the guys that my fiance is in prison with. Some seem to have no one.
I was sad that it wasn't just time with him, his gf and his daughters, but its not what he wanted. He needed them too.
Once they are in trouble, we start losing them before the whole mess is over, even if you get to keep them home for awhile before taken to prison. They want to fit in everything they will miss out on.
Oh boy, this is making me sad. Better go clean or something.
Was trying to lose weight before I go see him. FAT CHANCE....LOL LOL LOL!!! I walked 2.5 miles two days ago, and pulled something in my butt, and top of leg. When I am trying to lose weight, THEN I get hungry, otherwise, never are.
Newbies, take heart, you will get through this. And even when you aren't new anymore, you will have those sucky days, like I still have, but you learn to cope. We are losing precious time with them, but nothing we can do, but thrive with whats out here for us. We need things to talk to them about. Positive things are much better than negative, or whiny things, right??
So let them know that you are faithful to them, but you will have a life while they are gone, or you will turn into a old crabby lady by the time they get out.
If you reeeeally feel like staying in bed one day, do it, but more than that, kick yourself out of bed, even out of the house. Clean a closet, do something that gets your mind off of it.
And ladies, see ya around here, we aren't going anywhere, are we??
I try to be understanding and kmow that I am not the only one hurting so I don't voice my thoughts about how it makes me feel. There is no point really. My husband knows that I will be here when he comes out I mean he is the love of my life.
I figure I will try to lose a little weight so when I send pictures or when he comes out I will still look good to him lol.... We will see how well that turns out. I love food and not always the healthy kind lmao.
You are such a wise person ihatewisconsin. Every post I have read from you is uplifting, motivating and inspirational. ^_^ Sending good vibes to everyone
Make the time you have with your man as spacil as you can even if that means you have to share with his family!
Keep bussys really dos help iam lucky coz i do have a job maybe you could look at going back to school? Just a thought!
It sounds to me your man was just trying to look after you.
Really, so many helped me get through these last few years, of being in and out, in and out again, and again, that if I can tell anyone anything that might help them even a tiny bit, I am just passing on what others have done for me.
I come on here several times a day. I don't like watching tv all day, plus I have NO cable, so my tv is static noise, or fuzzy picture, or both. I have to stand in different spots with the antennae to see if it will act normal. Not worth it. Funny thing used to happen. If I put my leg up in the air, or used my arms like a human antennae, it cleared up. This tv I have now doesn't work that way.
I actually taught my granddaughter to take her turn with her leg, or legs up. Usually one. So, it would get fuzzy, she would stick her leg up in the air, and say, Gramma look its getting better now, and darned if it wasn't. Mostly I only watch late at night to go to sleep, but if that noise gets annoying, the fuzzy, ishy noise, then I can't sleep. Oh he wouldn't live like this. But if he were home, we would have more money. That's another thing prison does for us. It makes us broke. The phone calls, loss of their income, etc. No one cares.
Just think how many of us end up unemployed, maybe it was downsizing, maybe we weren't up to par at our jobs, and lost them, because we were in the midst of all the legal crap, and the depression. How many of us are on foodstamps now, maybe never, ever took any help before. They sure don't think of that now, do they??
Somedays I am very motivated to get things done. Other times, I just sit mindlessly playing games on fb or I sit on this site.
One thing that worked well to make me and my fiance feel we were actively doing things together, is when I started looking up his family heritage stuff. OMG I found so much stuff. He was calling constantly wanting to know more. I would send him huge yellow envelopes full of his family history. This is from his dad's side, the dad that left him when he was a baby.
I found out that a town in Missouri is named after his great great grandpa, that was a Civil War hero. I found out that there are a bunch of people in his family with his same, rather odd first name. I found out that he is related to Winston Churchill and Princess Diana. I found a diary that his great great grandpa wrote while sitting in the trenches fighting the war, the Civil War. There was a letter to him from George Washington that anyone can find online. This was so exciting for him. And me too. Everyday I found more things for weeks and weeks.
I now am also the " administrative assistant" to all his buddies in there. I call people for them, I look things up for them, I print off silly things like stuff about the universe, the planets, the armagedon silly stuff. I do the big honey do list for him, which always consists of silly stuff like I have to go pick up a tow truck 3 hours away, and store it for some guy who made me his power of attorney. I am getting a 65 inch big screen tv out of the deal. And possibly another vehicle. He sold used cars. And had a towing service.
Me and my son will go get the tow truck, and I joked that maybe I will become Tow Truck Annie. ( not my name)... I will go up and down the highway looking for broken down cars, and people. Who knows, maybe I will. Depends on the insurance needed for the darn thing.
Oh I am not afraid to try anything since moving from my upper middle class existence to a house in the woods, with no one to help me CHOP WOOD, and climb on the roof to fiddle with the outdoor antennae. I have walked the long driveway I had, through the woods, to get to my car in the winter. I couldn't afford to get it plowed. I have slept in a house so cold you could see your breath, til you got the fire going, which didn't last all night. Slept in my down jacket, and tons of blankets, and yep, cried alot.
This was the exact opposite of my life when I was married before. I hung around people that lived in million dollar homes on a lake where the Vikings football players, a few of them, had homes. I used to go all over the US with a dance group, daughter was in. We stayed in Vegas, NY, LA, Chicago, and now my excitement is going to the local VFW with 80 yr old neighbors, while my fiance is gone.
I got a pretty good alimony, but that ended a few years ago. Then the ex got richer. He knew how broke I was, he knew what my life was and he reveled in it, after all I chose not to live with him. Then I got to flaunt my gorgeous, younger man right in front of his face often, since he continued to hang around my family, with his new wife.
I guess the point of all this is, I have been on the good and bad side of life. I have endured through many obstacles.
Even when I had lots of money, I wasn't happy. I had a neglectful, workaholic husband, and very sickly kids, in and out of the hospitals for years. I took care of them by myself while then husband worked all of the time. It paid off for him, he is rich. I am not.
But I opted to kick his butt out, and the day he left, I ran into this gorgeous man, who looked like Tim McGraw, only cuter. He was the exact opposite of what I had been married to. He hasn't been a bowl of cherries every minute, but a whole lot more spontaneous, adventurous, loving and fun. Yep, the one who can't stay out of trouble.
I have endured many terrible things, and it gave me the determination to fight harder, not to let life beat me down to nothing. I have seen my friend give into depression and I want to strangle her, and say, Wake up. Kinda actually did. I said, Life is not going to just get better, doing nothing. You have to fight because if you don't, who loses? No one else, just you.
It kind of perked her back up. I still need a hot cattle prod somedays for her.
People I used to be friends with abandoned me either during the divorce, they chose him, or because of my guy being in prison and I wouldn't listen to them, and kick him to the curb. Oh well, there's always more friends out there. If they want to treat me bad, they go Poooooof, out of my life.
There are no magic wands, but we have the power in us to get past those first stages of grief when they go to prison, and kick ourselves in the ass and fix our lives. Who else is going to do it for us??
I am unemployed now, loving it. I don't care if I am broke, I manage. I needed the time to re group, and then before he comes home, I kick it into gear, work myself to death to save money for us. Then I cut back my hours or quit, and he works. He won't be able to drive for awhile, so I am getting my chauffeurs cap, and I will take him places, so he don't end up in prison again.
I learned to chop down trees, I learned to use a chain saw, this the woman who stayed at the Hilton on 42nd and Park Ave in NY many years ago, for 2 weeks. This the woman who thought money was everything. Nope, it isn't. Happiness is. Being with the person who completes you is. That would be my guy, and you all have your Prince Charming too. Sometimes mine turns into a toad, but then he magically appears back as my prince. HAHA I actually bought him a King's crown.
Hope you all can get to the point where you don't cry everyday. It does get easier to accomplish that, in time.
I already accumulate a lot of books and I will probably end up gathering more as the years pass. I have plans to remodel the house and do some much needed upgrades once I have the means to do so.
Tow truck driving could be fun lol. It's a great thing that you do by acting as an assistant to those who are temporarily removed. That is amazing to find out all that stuff about his family. I would love to do that but his mom was adopted and his dad left when he was a baby. I have been checking this site like every few hours too lol. It helps to feel better about advice or venting too while he is at work.
I know that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel and at that end will be freedom, joy, comfort and knowing that the hard part is finally behind us. I know that his lawyer said he will have 5 yrs probation once he is out but I don't care about that because at least then he will be out and the hard part over. ^_^
I tried walking to lose weight. OH MY, I pulled something in top back of leg, extending into my butt. It kills. So can't really walk too good, or too far. Had hoped to lose 20 lbs before I see him. Well if I took a box of laxatives a day, I wouldn't lose it now. I have the stair stepper too. That thing, after a few minutes, heart is pounding and I give up.
I started on the new pills, African Mango.. supposed to lose 7 lbs a week. Well, don't know how well thats working yet, only my second day. I know they sure energize me. Can't fall asleep half the night. I can even tell how fast I am typing that the things have like natural speed in them or something.
My friend is amazed how fast I can type, well hopefully I can find a job that I can utilize it.
I am actually not happy that we get a week off from school. I love some of the classes. I just had topics in literature. Got solid A's. I think I amaze myself. Haven't been in school since graduating in 1972, and I always get almost all A's. The literature stuff was actually interesting. Some of the poems monotonous, but then we have to analyze them for certain things, and relate them to life now. And have discussions with other students about them. Amazing how different people perceive things so differently.
That is true of many things. When I brought in a tiny beading needle for him to make jewelry, and got caught, and almost put in prison for it, I KNEW it was to make jewelry, but the idiots at the prison had all kinds of stupid ideas why we really brought it in. Yep, a tiny beading needle that bends when you touch it would kill someone. Oh who knows, maybe.
One thing that pill is doing is making me pee all day. Maybe it releases water weight. I sure hope so. If I could attach a spigot to my body and turn the faucet to on< maybe I could drain out the excess and be thin in 2 weeks or so. One can only hope.