Families & Friends of Gays & Lesbians Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is either gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or questioning their sexual orientation. The purpose of this community is to help families and friendships grow and maintain positive relationships with gay sons, daughters, family or friends.
Hello,
I am new to the group and have been looking a while for a group that was similar to my situation, but I think this will be as close as I come.
I was wondering, is there anyone out there who has a child or teen who has come out transgender?
Since my daughter was 3 she would say she wished she was a boy and why did she have to be a girl. I thought this was a phase and it did go away for a while, but once she hit middle school it came back in full force (or she became more verbal about it). I want to say, I fully accept her and support her with whatever gender identity she relates to, but we definitely have some roadblocks.
Since 7th grade, she has cut her hair completely short (like a boy) and I have been buying her all boy clothes. We are both also in therapy to help through this transistion. She is starting high school next year. She wants to come out completely and change her name to a boy name and live as a boy, but because of our living arrangements we cant be completely out of the closet. I am a single mom who is living in a house owned by my very conservative fundamental christian grandparents paying rent but I get the "family discount". They are already freaking out because they think she is a lesbian - I am unsure which they will think worse gay or transgender, but since they disowned me when I became a pregnant teenager and wouldnt talk to me for over a year, I worry this coming out would result in the same kind of outcome. I am in the process of trying to move, but being a single mom and my income very tight, this is a challenge that is going to take some time while I try to put money back for a move.
So my daughter wants me to use male pronouns with her and call her by the boy name she has chosen. I want to honor this request, but I often find myself forgetting to because I am so used to calling her by her name and female pronouns. This has upset her quite a bit and means so much to her that she will even cry if she is called a girl. I have done it when I have it on my mind and am completely aware of it, but if I am rushing through my day from errand to errand, its not in the forefront of my mind, and I often forget.
I just wanted to see if there was anyone out there going through the same issue? I am hoping to connect with some people for chats, support and advice who are living in a similar situation. Even if you are raising a gay child and have to be in the closet to family members, or have a transgender child.
Thanks!
I am new to the group and have been looking a while for a group that was similar to my situation, but I think this will be as close as I come.
I was wondering, is there anyone out there who has a child or teen who has come out transgender?
Since my daughter was 3 she would say she wished she was a boy and why did she have to be a girl. I thought this was a phase and it did go away for a while, but once she hit middle school it came back in full force (or she became more verbal about it). I want to say, I fully accept her and support her with whatever gender identity she relates to, but we definitely have some roadblocks.
Since 7th grade, she has cut her hair completely short (like a boy) and I have been buying her all boy clothes. We are both also in therapy to help through this transistion. She is starting high school next year. She wants to come out completely and change her name to a boy name and live as a boy, but because of our living arrangements we cant be completely out of the closet. I am a single mom who is living in a house owned by my very conservative fundamental christian grandparents paying rent but I get the "family discount". They are already freaking out because they think she is a lesbian - I am unsure which they will think worse gay or transgender, but since they disowned me when I became a pregnant teenager and wouldnt talk to me for over a year, I worry this coming out would result in the same kind of outcome. I am in the process of trying to move, but being a single mom and my income very tight, this is a challenge that is going to take some time while I try to put money back for a move.
So my daughter wants me to use male pronouns with her and call her by the boy name she has chosen. I want to honor this request, but I often find myself forgetting to because I am so used to calling her by her name and female pronouns. This has upset her quite a bit and means so much to her that she will even cry if she is called a girl. I have done it when I have it on my mind and am completely aware of it, but if I am rushing through my day from errand to errand, its not in the forefront of my mind, and I often forget.
I just wanted to see if there was anyone out there going through the same issue? I am hoping to connect with some people for chats, support and advice who are living in a similar situation. Even if you are raising a gay child and have to be in the closet to family members, or have a transgender child.
Thanks!
I would love to chat with you if I may for my paper.
If I may give you advice as non-parent. From my research I have learned that Transgender teens are most vulnerable for suicide. Love your Son with all your might. Make sure he knows you hear him. Help him understand until you find a way of moving coming out at home may cause you to be homeless. But assure him you understand he is a HE! You understand his need to be himself. That alone may help him deal while you work out the details.
Blesssings to and your son.
If you are willing to chat. please Just send me a message
As to your own transition of your son's transitioning, well it's normal. I'm not trans, but have witnessed friends undergo the process. Your son needs to cut you some slack, it's a big change for you. You are going to slip up and use the wrong gendered pronouns sometimes. He CANNOT fly off the handle for this. It's not like you are being malicious, you are just reconditioning an old habit, and it does not happen overnight. He needs to realize that these flubs aren't persecution, they are progress. He also needs to develop a bit more grace in handling people like yourself making a genuine effort but who aren't perfect right off the bat.
In his defense though, I noticed in your entire post you mentioned only your daughter. You talk about her and her experience, and what she is feeling..... You don't have a daughter. You have a son. I think in your mind, it hasn't really clicked. If you want to improve with the pronoun use, extend it to the written word and not just the verbal. It will help with the "muscle memory".
If you are both receiving counselling on the transition process, you've tackled a big first hurdle. You might want to make an appointment with your son's guidance counselor at school to explore the option of transitioning at school. Clearly some regions are more accepting than others, but children in public schools are guaranteed equal protection under the 14th amendment. You and the guidance counselor will want to go over a timeline, goals, accommodations and how to handle bullying on the student and faculty levels. If your guidance counselor is less than cooperative, be ready to be "that parent" by demanding your son's legally guaranteed rights.
Your son is about to enter a tumultuous time for any kid, puberty. Except his adolescence will probably include some form of hormone replacement therapy. Just try and be there for him. Be his rock. Whether it's to help with a tough math assignment, to soothe him when he's met with ignorance, or maybe if some girl (or guy) catches his eye and leaves him dumbstruck. Keep practicing your pronouns and keep checking those real estate listings to get away from those toxic and judgmental people.