Families & Friends of Gays & Lesbians Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is either gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or questioning their sexual orientation. The purpose of this community is to help families and friendships grow and maintain positive relationships with gay sons, daughters, family or friends.
I really need some advice/support. I just joined this group, not because I am a family member or friend of someone who is gay, but because I am gay and I need some perspective on how my family is feeling. I came out to my parents 2 years ago and it didn't go well, but over time things got a little better. I am now 24 years old and just got engaged to the most wonderful woman I've ever met. Yesterday I told my family this exciting news, but their reaction was bad. My parents told me that not only do they not want to be a part of the ceremony, but they don't even want to attend. This is heart breaking. It was hard enough to imagine my dad not walking me down the aisle, but then to know that he won't be there at all to share in one of the most important days in my life absolutely crushed me. I didnt expect them to agree with it but i hoped they would be there for me. I'm not even sure what to say to them right now. Any words of wisdom?
A parent's love is supposed to be unconditional. Sadly, these people's love is not. I can't imagine the feeling of sadness and loss that you have.
However, there may be a silver lining. You don't mention that your fianc's family are equally as bigoted. Which sounds like you are marrying into a brood willing to love you exactly as God made you.
I know you had dreamed of your father walking you down the aisle, and that must sting. However think of the lovely gesture it could be to have your father-in-law walk both his girls down the aisle, one on each arm. Or come up with something equally and wonderfully poignant. The good thing about same-sex weddings is that we are encouraged to eschew tradition to find a ceremony that is meaningful to us.
Often in life, the family we are born into doesn't end up being the family we choose to be a part of. You will not sacrifice your happiness, health and well being to please your parents. Good for you and shame on them. My advice to you is to always keep the door and line of communication open to these people. Be the bigger person and keep that proverbial olive branch at the standby. However, you must also be ready to accept that your folks may ultimately choose to keep their heads in the sand, and what a loss for them to miss out on so much happiness.
If you want a more proactive approach, see if they will consent to a few sessions of family counseling. If they do, DO NOT let them choose the professional who guides the session as I'd wager they'd run to a clergy member or faith-based therapist. Having a third party help navigate the intricate emotions of your situation can be beneficial to both parties. Perhaps you can open their minds and hearts, but it is also likely that you will not. What is important for you to realize is that both possibilities are good; they both offer some closure.
Never sacrifice your sense of self to please others, ESPECIALLY when their need to be pleased comes from a place of ignorance and hate. Oh, and since you may not have heard this enough recently...
Congratulations on your engagement! I wish you both a lifetime of fun, happiness and adventures.
All the best,
Steve
You have given your parents time to see who you are before the engagement and I commend you for that. I'm sad that they cannot see your joy. Are they opposed to the gay aspect or the particular person you are engaged to? Have they met her and gotten to know her and you as a couple?
I won't even be invited to my daughters wedding - I feel so bad for the loss your parents will have. Keep in mind they are grieving the loss of dreams they had for you - you probably have known a long time who you were inside - they didn't - I'd say give them time but it looks like you have. Have you tried talking to them individually?
Sorry I don't have good advice - I hope it works out.