Families & Friends of Gays & Lesbians Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is either gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or questioning their sexual orientation. The purpose of this community is to help families and friendships grow and maintain positive relationships with gay sons, daughters, family or friends.
Apologies for the length of this...it's been so surreal and I don't know where else to go....
I am the parent of a 15 yr old daughter who is gay. We have no problem with it and have been completely supportive of her. As she was starting to realize she was gay, she developed a crush on a straight friend. We had moved to a different state and she just started a new school just before she turned 13. She, this girl and two other girls became very close and did almost everything together. Our daughter is very bright, honest, kind and has a great deal of empathy for people. So after about a year here she started to go through puberty and her ADHD became very active. She was struggling with eating disorders, attention problems and also trying to figure out why she didn't like boys like her friends did. She finally decided to tell one of her friends that she was closest with about her feelings and things went very well, then she told the other friend and that went well too. They both told her not to tell the other girl that she had the crush on though. However, as you can imagine, girls start wanting to talk about who they like, yada yada...and the girl my daughter liked knew she liked someone - and that the other friends knew who it was. So after some time of being questioned and even being told that it was ok if she liked a girl, she wouldn't judge her, my daughter admitted that yes she likes a girl and that it was her. She hoped that by admitting it, it might help her get over it. It seemed to have gone really well. The girl said, ok, but you do understand that I don't feel that way. She knew that of course, and they all remained friends and continued to do stuff together. However, it was after that that my daughters problems with her ADHD really blossomed and she wasn't doing much with anyone the last half of the school year or this past summer while we were dealing with getting her tested and finally changing diets and medications. This school year they started HS and as they all had gone to a charter school, had to make the decision to stay or go to the main stream HS. (one of the friends is still in 8th grade) So the other two girls decided to go to the main HS and my daughter stayed at the charter school. She had missed out on a lot of time with her friends and in trying to reconnect was feeling shunned by the girl she liked. She asked her about it but the girl said everything was fine. After the first quarter of school, my daughter realized that she needed more structure in her learning environment and transferred to the HS. (The charter school has no bells and it's similar to college where you had to get yourself to a class...not good with her ADHD) When she went to the HS she thought that it would help for them all to be there and reconnect but the other girl started to ignore her, not talk to her and just turn around and walk away when she came around. She then seemed to use some excuse about my daughter saying bad things about the charter school as an reason to be mad at her.
Short insert... the girls mother then calls me to say that her daughter no longer wants to invest in the friendship because of things my daughter has said about the charter school and some other choices she (my daughter) has made. It was a weird phone conversation and then a couple of emails which demonstrated that we were not communicating on the same wave length, and we finally got face to face to talk.
Apparently is was a problem for her daughter that mine liked her. She told me that she became more and more uncomfortable with it and that it was a major factor in her deciding to change schools. She also claimed that her daughter 'probably' said some things to indicate her discomfort, but my daughter never heard anything. Then she told me that she has many gay friends and that she asked them about this situation and that they told her that my daughter absolutely should have known and expected that the relationship would change. That all gay people know this.
Herein lies my question: Is this true? Do all gay people automatically know that if they are honest with a straight friend about liking them that they 'know' the relationship will change? Even at 13 or 14 yrs old when they are only figuring out who they are?
I know my son had a gay friend in his teens that crushed on him, but it never bothered him or any of the friends they hung out with. Would it be different with boys vs girls? I felt it was wrong to make a blanket statement like that. She also claimed that my daughter should have picked up on her daughters clues.... all I know is that when she did think something was off, she would ask and be told no, everything is fine. (Sorry, meant to stop at the question part...)
Any insight would be appreciated!
I am the parent of a 15 yr old daughter who is gay. We have no problem with it and have been completely supportive of her. As she was starting to realize she was gay, she developed a crush on a straight friend. We had moved to a different state and she just started a new school just before she turned 13. She, this girl and two other girls became very close and did almost everything together. Our daughter is very bright, honest, kind and has a great deal of empathy for people. So after about a year here she started to go through puberty and her ADHD became very active. She was struggling with eating disorders, attention problems and also trying to figure out why she didn't like boys like her friends did. She finally decided to tell one of her friends that she was closest with about her feelings and things went very well, then she told the other friend and that went well too. They both told her not to tell the other girl that she had the crush on though. However, as you can imagine, girls start wanting to talk about who they like, yada yada...and the girl my daughter liked knew she liked someone - and that the other friends knew who it was. So after some time of being questioned and even being told that it was ok if she liked a girl, she wouldn't judge her, my daughter admitted that yes she likes a girl and that it was her. She hoped that by admitting it, it might help her get over it. It seemed to have gone really well. The girl said, ok, but you do understand that I don't feel that way. She knew that of course, and they all remained friends and continued to do stuff together. However, it was after that that my daughters problems with her ADHD really blossomed and she wasn't doing much with anyone the last half of the school year or this past summer while we were dealing with getting her tested and finally changing diets and medications. This school year they started HS and as they all had gone to a charter school, had to make the decision to stay or go to the main stream HS. (one of the friends is still in 8th grade) So the other two girls decided to go to the main HS and my daughter stayed at the charter school. She had missed out on a lot of time with her friends and in trying to reconnect was feeling shunned by the girl she liked. She asked her about it but the girl said everything was fine. After the first quarter of school, my daughter realized that she needed more structure in her learning environment and transferred to the HS. (The charter school has no bells and it's similar to college where you had to get yourself to a class...not good with her ADHD) When she went to the HS she thought that it would help for them all to be there and reconnect but the other girl started to ignore her, not talk to her and just turn around and walk away when she came around. She then seemed to use some excuse about my daughter saying bad things about the charter school as an reason to be mad at her.
Short insert... the girls mother then calls me to say that her daughter no longer wants to invest in the friendship because of things my daughter has said about the charter school and some other choices she (my daughter) has made. It was a weird phone conversation and then a couple of emails which demonstrated that we were not communicating on the same wave length, and we finally got face to face to talk.
Apparently is was a problem for her daughter that mine liked her. She told me that she became more and more uncomfortable with it and that it was a major factor in her deciding to change schools. She also claimed that her daughter 'probably' said some things to indicate her discomfort, but my daughter never heard anything. Then she told me that she has many gay friends and that she asked them about this situation and that they told her that my daughter absolutely should have known and expected that the relationship would change. That all gay people know this.
Herein lies my question: Is this true? Do all gay people automatically know that if they are honest with a straight friend about liking them that they 'know' the relationship will change? Even at 13 or 14 yrs old when they are only figuring out who they are?
I know my son had a gay friend in his teens that crushed on him, but it never bothered him or any of the friends they hung out with. Would it be different with boys vs girls? I felt it was wrong to make a blanket statement like that. She also claimed that my daughter should have picked up on her daughters clues.... all I know is that when she did think something was off, she would ask and be told no, everything is fine. (Sorry, meant to stop at the question part...)
Any insight would be appreciated!
My daughter is still working through it. Getting better day by day. She is now scared to have a crush on anyone for fear it could go horribly wrong... Luckily we do have her seeing a great counselor too. I am doing my best to release the negative energy of this whole situation. It's hard as a mother, wanting to protect your child...and wanting them to experience things in order to grow to be wise and strong. This certainly provided a lot of those opportunities!!
Blessings and thanks!