Families & Friends of Gays & Lesbians Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is either gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or questioning their sexual orientation. The purpose of this community is to help families and friendships grow and maintain positive relationships with gay sons, daughters, family or friends.
My son, age 25, had realized he was gay last summer and was worried on how to tell me. He broke up with his girlfriend at that time and my mother had just passed away. It was because he was facing the reality he was indeed gay. He told me recently.
I feel it took him too long and I wish I knew sooner. The strange thing is that I had a dream like premonition that he had a male companion at our dining room table for a holiday dinner. The dream did not phase me and I had other thoughts about him being gay. I was not disturbed about it.
At the same time when he told me he had a boyfriend I talked to him for a while and handled it well. Then when I went to bed I cried, couldn't sleep and had a difficult time thinking of anything else. My son was still home visiting and it really helped to talk a lot! Everything between us felt the same and I told him even in a text that I loved him as my son always, all ways.
I just feel confused as to why I am crying??? I know it was a shock and that I need to go through somewhat of a grieving process. To be honest, speaking to a male gay man would help me because my friends are not an option in that I never trust they will support me and understand me.
My daughter is having a difficult time, perhaps more than me, but she was going through her own feelings alone for some time now. She feels he is infatuated and he may be so I discussed his relationship with him and did not force any action for him but just to realize love can be blind and he needs to take a look and see if it really is a meaningful relationship. That is not for me to say or judge. My son was very thankful for my thoughts.
The first few days were extremely hard for me. I do believe in traditional marriage but I also told my son, although I feel this way and have my set of values, I do support whatever he feels is right for him.
My son is a well educated and exceptional person, and nothing will change that!!! He begins Medical School this summer. He is true to his feelings and knows what he wants. That is good enough for me.
Thanks for "listening".
~Resa
I feel it took him too long and I wish I knew sooner. The strange thing is that I had a dream like premonition that he had a male companion at our dining room table for a holiday dinner. The dream did not phase me and I had other thoughts about him being gay. I was not disturbed about it.
At the same time when he told me he had a boyfriend I talked to him for a while and handled it well. Then when I went to bed I cried, couldn't sleep and had a difficult time thinking of anything else. My son was still home visiting and it really helped to talk a lot! Everything between us felt the same and I told him even in a text that I loved him as my son always, all ways.
I just feel confused as to why I am crying??? I know it was a shock and that I need to go through somewhat of a grieving process. To be honest, speaking to a male gay man would help me because my friends are not an option in that I never trust they will support me and understand me.
My daughter is having a difficult time, perhaps more than me, but she was going through her own feelings alone for some time now. She feels he is infatuated and he may be so I discussed his relationship with him and did not force any action for him but just to realize love can be blind and he needs to take a look and see if it really is a meaningful relationship. That is not for me to say or judge. My son was very thankful for my thoughts.
The first few days were extremely hard for me. I do believe in traditional marriage but I also told my son, although I feel this way and have my set of values, I do support whatever he feels is right for him.
My son is a well educated and exceptional person, and nothing will change that!!! He begins Medical School this summer. He is true to his feelings and knows what he wants. That is good enough for me.
Thanks for "listening".
~Resa
You are absolutely right that you are going through a grieving process. Parents have an idea for their children; how they will live and grow and thrive. When a child comes out, parents often have this idea shattered and in a way mourn their idea-child. Usually, they will recognize that the real child outweighs their idea and can embrace their child for who they are. You've done beautifully.
As for the crying, let it happen. It is most definitely a shock. My gruff and reserved father didn't cry at his own grandmother's funeral. When I came out, I caught him sobbing like a baby. My point is it's a lot to process. Sometimes just letting the emotions out can be a great catharsis.
Also, you are from an older generation. You remember times where being gay could get you killed, you remember when it limited your career options, you remember when it meant you were never going to have a family, and you remember the AIDS crisis. We don't. My mom has always been frank and pragmatic. When I came out she said "Whelp, I guess I won't have grandkids". I laughed and said, "I haven't decided if I want kids yet, but at the very least you won't have an 'oops' baby from me". I had to educate her on the ideas of surrogacy and adoption by gay couples and individuals. My boyfriend and I eventually want kids. My mom caught wind of that. So now whenever she sees us we get the "I'm not getting any younger" speech.
Be patient with your daughter too. My big brother took the news hard, but as long as you all keep communicating things will be ok. Encourage calm and sincere interactions. Yes, some uncomfortable questions may arise, but I find this is more from ignorance than malice. My brother used to use "gay" as an epithet. Now he is one of my biggest allies and supporters; all because we kept communicating. Your daughter sounds like she needs a bit more education on exactly what being gay is.
I will say that out of all this, you may have made one mistake. You told your son you believe in traditional marriage but will support his choices. By context I assume you mean you believe marriage is a religiously consecrated union between a man and a woman. Your beliefs are yours, and you are entitled to them. I perfectly accept that there are religious institutions that I am barred from. Just as I am free to live my life as an openly gay man, so are these institutions free to believe I am wrong/sinful. But let me be honest, I want to get married. Marriage serves 2 very important secular purposes; one emotional and one legal. The emotional purpose is for two people to declare to each other and the world that they plan to cherish their love together for the rest of their lives. The legal purpose is to afford all the rights and liberties associated with marriage. Did you know that marriage affords over 1100 legal rights and recognitions in the United States? This is why last year's reversal of the Defense of Marriage Act was so monumental; gay couples had over one thousand legal rights re-instated that were stripped from them simply because their love made someone else uncomfortable.
So back to your statement on traditional marriage. It's not so much a wrong versus right issue. I could debate the historical/religious/legal history for hours, but that wouldn't really be helpful here. For you it is how you frame your discourse with your son. By making the distinction of traditional marriage, a sharp person (like your son) will be able to extrapolate this meaning "real" marriage. What you said to your son was that he won't be able to have a "real" marriage. I don't think for a second you meant it that way, or worse to harm him, but intent or not that is what you will be doing. So going forward, try to learn and embrace that marriage can also be a legal and secular institution as well. If you or your son bring up marriage, don't go to a place of traditional versus civil. Instead just accept it as marriage. Accept it as a legal union of two loving and consenting individuals. So I am not asking you to abandon your religious concept of marriage, but to expand your view on what a marriage can be; that a civil marriage is no less "real" than a traditional one.
My final bit of advice is this: being gay is such a small part of who we are. Important, but small. In a few years (hopefully), people won't be calling your son Gay Doctor, they will be calling him Doctor. Every day people are recognizing that gay propaganda is bigotry masquerading as morality. And we as members of the LGBTQ community are asserting our rights to life, liberty and happiness. The world is changing for us every day. Your son will have a bright future. He may have some heartache, some stumbles and some sadness, but that is called being human, not being gay. So long as he has his mom to pick him up, I imagine these down times will be much shorter. So continue loving your remarkable son for the person he is and the both of you will be just fine.
All the best,
Steve
I had a lot of conversations with my son and my daughter. It has helped tremendously. I was also sure to let my son know that he will always be my son and I always will love him.
My son was very receptive to my feelings and was not offended by my beliefs on marriage because her already knew them. If he wanted to married I would not be opposed to it. I told him I would be right at his side. It is not for me to judge. I already told him he has his own relationship with God and that I would not tell him he lived in sin. That is a big difference from some the information I read from some churches! I am not that kind of Christian. I am actually appalled by the people who throw stones.
I am thankful society is more accepting and live is not as harsh as when I was younger. No one ever thought of my son as gay so as far as being a Dr. I don't know if people would ever pick up on it. I do hope he has some supportive role models. I know I learned from gay men, not from their parents recently. I went on this site and visited the gay men section and wrote someone!
I told my daughter of my experience and she sounded better. She just is leaving from visiting my son now. I am so glad they are back to normal already, as am I.
Though I know there will be ups and downs and lots to learn I am open to it all.
Thanks again for your thoughts. They are really helpful and I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to hear me out.
I wish you much love and happiness!!!
My best,
Resa