I’m sure Im one in millions to have began a statement like this, so in that I know I’m not unique, which is why I’m here.   I’m hoping to find some support and understanding, not only on what is the best thing I can do for my son, but support as I go through the process of understanding my own emotions, reactions and challenges.

I’ll begin with how he told me.   It was random and unplanned.  We were talking and catching up after working through a little tiff we had recently had.  It was a great conversation and like any typical Mom, I asked if he had a girlfriend yet (insert forehead slap).  He ofcourse said no and did his usually shake his head and smile.  I told him what Ive told him before, about how I didnt get it because he was such a good looking young man that I was sure there were girls out there making themselves known (insert second slap).  Then I went to laugh and say, “ok boyfriend?”, and the look on his face pushed the words “are you gay?” Out of my mouth.  You now know his answer.

My reaction was “Are you kidding?”, and he shook his head no.  I immediately got teared up and said “OH MY GOD”, throwing my arms around him.  He said “please tell me those aren’t tears of sadness”.    I told him they were absolutely NOT from sadness, but from surprise and the joy of knowing the truth.  They weren’t false words.  I meant it.   We then went on and chatted through my surprise and he opened up about someone he had been very attracted to and hopeful for.  My heart honestly beamed to see his face as he talked.  I had never seen him talk like that before about any potential love interest, male or female, but now he openly could and I was thrilled but still reeling in shock, wanting to say the right things.   All ended well there...

The days since that revelation have been such a mixture of emotion.   After the initial numbing shock wore off, the flood gates opened.  I literally became a scene from a movie where the person in the shower yells out, then laughs to the point of heaving sobs.  It was all down hill from there.  My husband, who is not his father, was gone hunting for a few days.  I didnt know how I was going to tell him or if I even should.  It wasn’t my story to tell yet as my son has not come out officially except to his room mates.   I had just been experiencing several other sources of stress that were at the time manageable.   This put me over the edge and I felt ashamed that it did.   The night my husband came home, I tried life as usual.  I did tell him.  I needed to...  I needed him.    He was ofcourse surprised but went along with my light attitude about it and the night went on as usual.   Then the damn broke.  I broke.  I suddenly couldn’t distinguish my different stresses and it all came out in a major breakdown.   Although I’m still crying intermittently and isolating myself to lick my wounds, I have at least made progress as to what I know my wounds really are.

I am NOT upset or disappointed in my son.  I am thrilled for him.  He can live his life as real as it can be and that is a wonderful thing for him!  He is, and always be the same Jakerman I love.  I’m the one who has to change and accept that the movie reel that played in my head, was just that....  a movie and not real.   I had NO CLUE.  Im so disappointed in myself that I didnt see it, and that I couldnt have helped him through his own confusion years ago.   The guilt was, and still is heavy.   I also had put a lot of pressure on him in my head to be the one child out of my three to fall within the bell curve.  Ive struggled with his two older sisters for completely different reasons, and in my head he was going to be the one that came out of my parenting struggles unscathed.  Now, I know I didn’t cause any of their issues, or my son’s sexual preference, but my lifelong picture of Norman Rockwell completely died a few days ago and I’m grieving.

I know its ok to grieve, not the loss of my son, but the loss of what I thought I knew and believed and the fact that I completely missed the mark.   I know I will figure this out in my own head and the process of grief will give way to something better, however I will still need support for those break through emotional times as well as the how to deal with the rest of my world now and after he decides to come fully out.   I hope to find support in all of that here, along with supporting others down the road once my experience is a bit more ripened.

Thank you if you chose to read this whole saga.  It felt good to spell it all out slowly in front of my own eyes.

JakermansMom