Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi,
I really cannot distinquish things right now in regards to my husband who is an addict and actevily using, I think. Have not been comunicating much but I assume he still is.
My problems is that he did everything 4 me over 24 years. He was always there, aside 4 the time he through me out and got a restraining order and requested no visitation so he could use Adderall and whatever else. I thought he was having a nervous breakdown but now have come to believe it was drug induced..
See my problem is I don't want this life any longer even though he was a functional addict. What is confusing me is that now that I am here alone with my son at this house which is 3,000 sq.feet trying to do it all. I realize now, part of what he went through over the years trying to pay all the bills and be a father and run a busienss. He barely ever complained and never asked me for much either. He always gave to me. He let me watch my shows, never complained about dinner, ect. But when he relapse I was the enemy of course and when he was clean he was carting around other addicts to meetings.
I just can't decide what to do. I want to divorce him b/c he has mental illness and is non compliant with a medication regimen. I don't want to live with this up and down person but I feel so guilty b/c I did not give to him in many ways like a wife should, plus I was unfaithful twice.
I have forgiven myself, i just can't seem to flip the switch and just keep moving forward and I have been so cold to him the few times we do communicate but it is b/c it is so hard to reach him and I have important decisions to make. I thry not to bother him b/c I can't deal with him and don't want to call him but I have to at times.
How do I know what to do when I lived with a nice , functiaonal addict who was dr. jeckl mr hyde several times in 25 year. How much slack do you cut a person in the name of forgiveness?
Thank you
I really cannot distinquish things right now in regards to my husband who is an addict and actevily using, I think. Have not been comunicating much but I assume he still is.
My problems is that he did everything 4 me over 24 years. He was always there, aside 4 the time he through me out and got a restraining order and requested no visitation so he could use Adderall and whatever else. I thought he was having a nervous breakdown but now have come to believe it was drug induced..
See my problem is I don't want this life any longer even though he was a functional addict. What is confusing me is that now that I am here alone with my son at this house which is 3,000 sq.feet trying to do it all. I realize now, part of what he went through over the years trying to pay all the bills and be a father and run a busienss. He barely ever complained and never asked me for much either. He always gave to me. He let me watch my shows, never complained about dinner, ect. But when he relapse I was the enemy of course and when he was clean he was carting around other addicts to meetings.
I just can't decide what to do. I want to divorce him b/c he has mental illness and is non compliant with a medication regimen. I don't want to live with this up and down person but I feel so guilty b/c I did not give to him in many ways like a wife should, plus I was unfaithful twice.
I have forgiven myself, i just can't seem to flip the switch and just keep moving forward and I have been so cold to him the few times we do communicate but it is b/c it is so hard to reach him and I have important decisions to make. I thry not to bother him b/c I can't deal with him and don't want to call him but I have to at times.
How do I know what to do when I lived with a nice , functiaonal addict who was dr. jeckl mr hyde several times in 25 year. How much slack do you cut a person in the name of forgiveness?
Thank you
I feel like crying b/c I feel so selfish at times. I think of all the ways he cared for me over the years but he just happened to be an addict at the same time. I knwo he really did try.
So now here he is at his worst, lost everything, no business, no wife and yes, it is partly b/c he is an addict.
I just wish I could stop being so angry with him and accept him for where he is but also move forward with my life.
You are recognizing that you're about to find out what you're like without him, what your home is like without him in it. Scary, but part of divorce. Dissolving what was in exchange for what will be. Feel all of what you're feeling and keep evolving.
This holiday season, I'm wishing you self care, rest, nutrition, and peace of mind.
I could say my ex was a great guy, he cooked, helped clean he gave good hugs. We never fought and most of time things were good. But now that I have had time to adjust to being without him, I see that yes he did all those things but was wanting money for drugs. He also would lay around depressed watching TV, stayed up all night, sleep all day. Only by having time away from living in the chaos did I see the bad stuff and start to remember them. One other thing he eventually left to another enabler when I would no longer replace phone, give him money,. take him to town so he could use drugs, answer the phone when he called in the middle of the night after a crack binger.
You cut him a lot of slack over the years, he has had 25 years to get his act together. So its your choice let him back and in a year if your lucky might be sooner you will be back here asking all the same questions.
Thank you
I'm really glad that you are so much stronger these days with all that you lived through with your ex. You have the sweetest looking angel face and I see the caring person in your eyes. Tomorrow will be a better day for me.
ps. I actually sent Bill a text saying " I hope your stomach is feeling better" See, it's hard for me to be nice b/c I am afraid he will try to manipulate me but tonight I said "let him try". I will be nice and when he tries I will turn him down. How bout that? lol
It is so hard to adjust to the fact that we have to become a little selfish in order to take care of us and our own needs for a change.
This is one of the toughest things I still struggle with at times. Not with regards my ex so much because I have no desire to be with him at all anymore if I can help it, too much damage was done there by verbal and mental abuse..
It is because I am also having to do this a little with my adult children. Not allowing them just to walk all over me and use me and my home at whim. Trying to teach them to respect my privacy and need to be alone at times, and that life is now different. It is very hard to know where to draw the line. I so feel for you, it has to be very difficult dealing with a drug addict because they change so much when under the influence of the drugs.
Good luck at working this out for yourself. It takes time, so don't try to rush it. You will work it all out in due course. One step at a time.
How long have you been divorced? How many adult children do you have?
At first like you it was overwhelming but as time went I excepted there were somethings I would have to let go and other I could hire out and then there are the ones I can do myself.
Its the holidays nothing worst, family get together, TV shows, movies, Folgers commercials!
New2free I have a sweet friend who needs to set some boundaries with her children also. Its not selfish to need me time, and her daughter is always assuming her mother can watch her kids while she goes out with bf or has to do shopping. If her mom doesn't do whatever she gives her mom a guilt trip. She told her a couple of weeks ago, " I wish you and dad wasn't always broke!" I said, did you tell her, she needs to work some extra hours if she needs money. She doesn't work 40 hours a week, only around 30.
I'm glad your doing better, I can read it in your posts today.
Hugs!!!!!
I'm glad that your life is better and that you are happier. I have a ways to go but it's nice to know that everyone who has already been through it and knows more about addicts is here to guide me.
Thank you so much for your inisight.