Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Well ladies, here we go. In light of the recent situation with my sister in laws passing my husband and I decided to re-do our will ( bad idea)
So, as I was going through some things, I said I wanted to change a couple of things, he said fine. So we went through his first, and I asked do you want to gift anything? He said yes, I want my watches to go to Sean ( recovering addict) . I said great, however, I think we should put a stipulation in our will that if Sean for whatever reason relapses and is using that nothing is released to him at that time! Well, you would think that he has not been living with me the last 33 years. He said, why would we do that? Who will be the judge of that? I'm not doing that!
I have to say I look at him to make sure I was talking to my husband, the man that went through the nightmare of addiction with me. I said, calmly, dear look at our friends Karen and Frank ( frank alcoholic sober for 30 Years) has some trama in his family and relapses one year before my girlfriend was tragically killed in a car accident) Relapse happens, and all I am saying that if it does happen, I do not want everything we have worked our lives for sold for Drugs...... and My brother will be the one to be the judge. Not our daughter.
Then I looked at him, and I said, the scars run deep. Your jewelry was stolen from you, each and every piece no matter how expensive or not had sentimental value and I make sure I keep that locked away in my mind so that I remember what the addict can do, not my son. The addict. Needless to say we never finished revising the wills.
Sorry for the rant, but I would love your input on this, and how maybe you have or would handle this. Thank you.
So, as I was going through some things, I said I wanted to change a couple of things, he said fine. So we went through his first, and I asked do you want to gift anything? He said yes, I want my watches to go to Sean ( recovering addict) . I said great, however, I think we should put a stipulation in our will that if Sean for whatever reason relapses and is using that nothing is released to him at that time! Well, you would think that he has not been living with me the last 33 years. He said, why would we do that? Who will be the judge of that? I'm not doing that!
I have to say I look at him to make sure I was talking to my husband, the man that went through the nightmare of addiction with me. I said, calmly, dear look at our friends Karen and Frank ( frank alcoholic sober for 30 Years) has some trama in his family and relapses one year before my girlfriend was tragically killed in a car accident) Relapse happens, and all I am saying that if it does happen, I do not want everything we have worked our lives for sold for Drugs...... and My brother will be the one to be the judge. Not our daughter.
Then I looked at him, and I said, the scars run deep. Your jewelry was stolen from you, each and every piece no matter how expensive or not had sentimental value and I make sure I keep that locked away in my mind so that I remember what the addict can do, not my son. The addict. Needless to say we never finished revising the wills.
Sorry for the rant, but I would love your input on this, and how maybe you have or would handle this. Thank you.
would I? Who would get stuck deciding when he was sober enough? Hmm...I am going to go have a discussion with my husband and see what his thoughts are, and return.
Very good post. Hugs to you.
He said something interesting, that he does not want to project that image onto our son, or his memory as he is "passing over"...
So, we decided that if you don't feel confident enough about his sobriety, you should wait another year and if he is sober, then go ahead and do the will with no restrictions. Because, it shows you are trying to control things (even from the grave) and we are not able to control anything.
While I find it amazing that your hubby was surprised by your thoughts...he might have less stress than you because of it.
If I really think about it (I need more coffee) my daughter is the non alcoholic, but she drinks when she goes out with friends, and at this point, does that make her more likely to have a bad future than the one who is sober and knows the consequences?
When we are dead, it is not our problem. Let it go to the universe and have positive thoughts.
My husband did say that if his son was newly sober, he would not feel the same way, that he would have to wait two or three years to feel confident.
I hope that helps. And we have to make new wills too, because my son and daughter go live with my sister...and they are 27 and 29. Mine will be everything to hubby and if he is gone, everything to the kids 50/50.
we know for a fact that addicition is a life long disease, we never know if or when the symptoms of the disease will ever appear,,,
like Blue said,,, who clearly gets to decide if the person is sober enough?
Unfortunatly I don't think there is a right or wrong answer,, do we always live with one foot in the past,,, waiting for the person to use,,, Is it truly fair to Sean,, today he is clean,,, what if's only drive us insane,,, we can't control it,,
love ya
Several years ago my husband and I got to thinking about what would happen if we both were killed at the same time. We realized that our kids would each get half his retirement savings, my death benefit from my employer's retirement plan, our house and everything in it, and both of our life insurance policies. Our addict son would be sitting on about $500,000 cash, while grieving the death of both of his parents. There is no question in our minds that he would be dead in a matter of months.
We changed all of our life insurance beneficiaries to our estates. Then we went to an attorney and wrote a will. Our son's half of the estate would go into a trust managed by my sister and her husband. We will probably eventually update that, but not until he has proven he can stay sober and support himself.
Even then, we might still limit his income from the trust. My husband's best friend inherited some money from his father when he was 18. The friend did not have a drug or alcohol problem, but he was immature and grieving the loss of his father. He partied away about $100,000 in a few years and actually did have an alcohol problem when the money ran out. So, inheriting the money was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Even addicts who are recovering may have a problem with immaturity and money is a trigger, especially if they are going through a rough time.
I guess it just goes to show you can set it up anyway you can think of!