Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
It's getting worse and worse. He drinks... so much. I am terrified all the time. Terrified that he will get behind the wheel while drunk. Terrified he will crash (and die) or get pulled over and go to jail. Terrified he will black out and cheat on me (if he hasn't already? He says he has not) terrified he will take the last $20 again that I need for groceries and instead by whisky.
We have nothing. Sure, we live in an apartment (that we got with the help of my brother, by him co-signing the lease) we are late on rent. He will blame me. Because I quit my job in November. We have an 18 month old. I needed to quit. I was not able to work anymore, in that horrible environment where I got yelled at almost every day and would cry and have anxiety, I got so depressed because I just could NOT handle all that, and be married to an alcoholic, and have a 1 year old. But... he will blame me if we are short on rent. Even though we always have more than enough money for rent and bills... he just drinks it away. I have to sneak money for groceries.
We have no car. My other brother is lending us a car for free (I think, because of the baby) so my husband has put aside zero dollars for us to buy our own car. We used to have a car, it is long gone now. It was my car. I was so close to paying it off! Oh well. No use crying over it now. But this car, the loaner, is a manual. I have no idea how to drive it. I asked him to teach me, about a month ago, and he said yes. But... we have had zero lessons so far.
He's always angry that we don't have sex. Any time I bring something up, he responds with "well if we had more sex" or if I say something like my back hurts, he'll respond with "my d*ck hurts." But how CAN we have sex? Usually when I am ready, which is after I put the baby down and clean up the messy house, he is too buzzed to respond. I'm sorry, but when your partner can't even focus his eyes on you. Or is too sleepy by then. Or simply his body cannot respond because of the alcohol. And then when I explain it to him, he says that if I really wanted to I would find a way to excite him. Well, honestly, when you reek like old bottles and are slurring and can't see straight, or are just simply awake... you CANNOT blame only me for our lack of sex. I want to have sex too! But God forbid if we actually do get intimate, and then I ask him to focus on me. It's like I'm just a body, with no needs of my own. :(
His new friend is disgusting. My husband is smart, has a great job, has so much potential... yet he chooses to befriend this creep, another alcoholic who makes good money and lives like a bum. They get together a couple times a week and get so wasted that usually they miss work the next day! And then I have to babysit him!
Today he came home drunk from this friends house. He said... when we fight he drinks more because I make him angry. Basically is blaming me for his drinking. Um... I get angry too. But I don't blow our cash on booze. I clean and cook and iron and oh yeah, take care of your baby! He said for me to get a job because he is only paying half of rent this month. So... I started looking. I have no car. I need to put my kid into some kind of daycare. And then I will be taking public transportation to whatever place hires me! God please help me! Today we got a letter saying if rent is not paid in 2 days our lease will be terminated. When I told him, he looked at me and said "That's your brothers problem, he signed the lease." Then he started to cry (because he was drunk) and told me to stop putting him down when he is already so low. So I swallowed my pride and gave him a hug and he pushed me. Kinda hard. It didn't hurt, just I was not prepared for it.
Oh yeah... and then I had to make him dinner. Because I don't "work" so it's my job to cook for him. And then he fell asleep. As I bathed our 18 month old, put him to bed, and cried.
I don't know what to do. I LITERALLY have no car, no money, no job, am being threatened of eviction... and he is sleeping, without a care in the world, and here I am, loosing my mind at almost midnight.
How can he do this? Day after day after day after day. I suggest AA, marriage counseling, for him to go to the gym, to do ANYTHING to take his mind and body away from alcohol. Bu he simply refuses. It's like he doesn't want to get healthy! And we have a baby! He will grow and see and maybe even follow in his footsteps!
Thank God I found this website. Even if no one makes it to the end. Even if no one even reads one word. At least some of it is out of me. And reading other posts makes me not feel so alone. I've been wanting to go to meetings, but without a car... well. At least I have this place now.
We have nothing. Sure, we live in an apartment (that we got with the help of my brother, by him co-signing the lease) we are late on rent. He will blame me. Because I quit my job in November. We have an 18 month old. I needed to quit. I was not able to work anymore, in that horrible environment where I got yelled at almost every day and would cry and have anxiety, I got so depressed because I just could NOT handle all that, and be married to an alcoholic, and have a 1 year old. But... he will blame me if we are short on rent. Even though we always have more than enough money for rent and bills... he just drinks it away. I have to sneak money for groceries.
We have no car. My other brother is lending us a car for free (I think, because of the baby) so my husband has put aside zero dollars for us to buy our own car. We used to have a car, it is long gone now. It was my car. I was so close to paying it off! Oh well. No use crying over it now. But this car, the loaner, is a manual. I have no idea how to drive it. I asked him to teach me, about a month ago, and he said yes. But... we have had zero lessons so far.
He's always angry that we don't have sex. Any time I bring something up, he responds with "well if we had more sex" or if I say something like my back hurts, he'll respond with "my d*ck hurts." But how CAN we have sex? Usually when I am ready, which is after I put the baby down and clean up the messy house, he is too buzzed to respond. I'm sorry, but when your partner can't even focus his eyes on you. Or is too sleepy by then. Or simply his body cannot respond because of the alcohol. And then when I explain it to him, he says that if I really wanted to I would find a way to excite him. Well, honestly, when you reek like old bottles and are slurring and can't see straight, or are just simply awake... you CANNOT blame only me for our lack of sex. I want to have sex too! But God forbid if we actually do get intimate, and then I ask him to focus on me. It's like I'm just a body, with no needs of my own. :(
His new friend is disgusting. My husband is smart, has a great job, has so much potential... yet he chooses to befriend this creep, another alcoholic who makes good money and lives like a bum. They get together a couple times a week and get so wasted that usually they miss work the next day! And then I have to babysit him!
Today he came home drunk from this friends house. He said... when we fight he drinks more because I make him angry. Basically is blaming me for his drinking. Um... I get angry too. But I don't blow our cash on booze. I clean and cook and iron and oh yeah, take care of your baby! He said for me to get a job because he is only paying half of rent this month. So... I started looking. I have no car. I need to put my kid into some kind of daycare. And then I will be taking public transportation to whatever place hires me! God please help me! Today we got a letter saying if rent is not paid in 2 days our lease will be terminated. When I told him, he looked at me and said "That's your brothers problem, he signed the lease." Then he started to cry (because he was drunk) and told me to stop putting him down when he is already so low. So I swallowed my pride and gave him a hug and he pushed me. Kinda hard. It didn't hurt, just I was not prepared for it.
Oh yeah... and then I had to make him dinner. Because I don't "work" so it's my job to cook for him. And then he fell asleep. As I bathed our 18 month old, put him to bed, and cried.
I don't know what to do. I LITERALLY have no car, no money, no job, am being threatened of eviction... and he is sleeping, without a care in the world, and here I am, loosing my mind at almost midnight.
How can he do this? Day after day after day after day. I suggest AA, marriage counseling, for him to go to the gym, to do ANYTHING to take his mind and body away from alcohol. Bu he simply refuses. It's like he doesn't want to get healthy! And we have a baby! He will grow and see and maybe even follow in his footsteps!
Thank God I found this website. Even if no one makes it to the end. Even if no one even reads one word. At least some of it is out of me. And reading other posts makes me not feel so alone. I've been wanting to go to meetings, but without a car... well. At least I have this place now.
I'm so sorry for how you are living. I was married to an addict many years ago. I had three small kids and he took my car keys and parked my car so I couldn't leave the house. I felt so helpless too. My family didn't want to hear any of it. So I was truly alone.
Can you stay with your brother? I'm sorry to say that you NEED to leave.
Sex? Mine was like that. He lied he hit me he cheated all the time. I had not a nickel to feed my kids. So I found a cheap babysitter and off to work. I moved out and never looked back. He is destroying you. He will destroy your child.
My thought is to call your local domestic violence help line. You are being abused. You don't need back eyes to be abused. Emotional abuse is sometimes worse. It's effect is long lasting. They maybe able to help. I left mine 22 years ago. He came to visit this past weekend to see my son off to his move. He and his wife got so drunk they were on the floor. My son was horrified. It's taken me days to calm down. I can't imagine ever living that life again. You can live a better way.
One of two things can happen if you leave.
1) he will stay the same and you won't be the emotional punching bag. And you may be able to one day meet a wonderful man
2) it would be rock bottom for him and he can go for help.
Seems your brother cares about you. Can he help you get out. Do you really think this will change if you stay? What will change if you stay is you. You will have zero self esteem. Your kid may end up being taken away. Mine are heroin addicts. I stayed long enough for him to "f" them up. Now I fight keeping mine alive.
I wish I could show you what your future will look like if you stay.
I worry that violence will escalate toward you and your wonderful baby.
I worry that eviction will make you live in the car...that you can't drive.
I worry about everything in your post.
Should he go to AA? Of course. The gym and marriage counseling won't help as long as he's drinking. So I will say what you already know...
You need to leave. Right now. Today. This minute. Your husband, who you say is "so smart" and has a "good job" (but might lose this job because of days off) isn't smart about the one thing that will allow him to survive - he's a nasty drunk.
Your brother has helped you by co-signing and lending you a car. If he truly cares for you, he will help you. Do you have other brothers or sisters? Parents? Friends? Cousins? Someone who could take you in while you apply for some sort of aid from your county? Because you have a child you would qualify for more benefits than if you were a single woman.
Or call a women's shelter. They will take you. They might come and pick you up.
Your husband is blaming YOU for his addiction. You know this isn't true. He is belittling you, emotionally abusing you, blaming you because you won't have sex with a drunk (and blaming you for his lack of performance), expecting you to pay half of the rent, and he is being a total ass. You know this.
Don't wait until you become a battered woman. You have a baby to think about. It is NOT all about your husband, but he's done his best to make you think it is all about him.
And when you leave (not if you leave) remember that family and friends will only help so much before they stop helping. If you return to your husband after a few days and begin this cycle all over again, they will remember and maybe not help you the next time. Expect him to cry and beg and promise to change. He won't.
Will leaving change your husband? Maybe for a while, who knows? He needs 90 meetings in 90 days, he needs a sponsor, he needs to clean up his act right now. And you need to be safe.
I am sorry for you and your baby. Your love for your baby shows in your post. Be a brave, raging Mama Lion to protect both of you. Get away from your addicted husband. You are worth it.
MysticDay
In answer to your question, no, it won't get better unless something changes drastically. Alcoholism is a disease that gets progressively worse. Your husband is in serious need of help in order to get better. He is not willing to get that help, so he's going to get worse.
It's possible that he may change his mind at some point in the future, but it's also possible that he won't. If he does get help, it's likely that it will happen because of something drastic, such as legal trouble or loss of his job because of his drinking. That trouble is likely to cause trouble for you and your child. Eviction is one example.
I am also very concerned about your brother. By trying to help, he very well could be setting himself up to be harmed by your husband's drinking. Your brother co-signed the lease. That means that if he doesn't pay the rent, his credit rating will be damaged. He owns the car. If your husband drives drunk and has an accident in that vehicle, your could be sued if someone gets hurt. His insurance will also go through the roof.
Talk to your brother and see if you can live with him while you look for a way to support yourself. Check into getting child support if you leave your husband. That would be taken right out of his paycheck before he can spend it on booze.
Your brother may want to keep paying the rent to protect his credit rating, but he should talk to the landlord about having your husband evicted first. If that won't work, then he should take back the car.
Your husband needs to have consequences for his drinking so he'll have an incentive to quit. If that means losing his job and his transportation and his wife and getting evicted, then it might just save his life. You are on a separate path, where you need to do what's best for yourself and the baby.
It does get better, but not if you stay.
Many of you mentioned my brother. I have two. One co-signed, the other lent us the car. No, I cannot go live with them. They helped where they could, but are not able to to anymore. I also talk to my mom almost every day, who is very supportive but she has refused to help financially because she said that he will never learn that way, and I agree with her 100%. In fact, I want the car taken away because we can live without it, and I will have less worry. So I will just be smart, keep my mouth shut so as not to provoke him, slap a smile on and act like everything is ok, until the day comes where we go our separate ways. It's just so obvious that the more responsible I want to be with my life, the more he does not.
At this point I am not afraid of him physically hurting me. I am not making excuses for him, he is just not that type of person. When he pushed me yesterday, he pushed me out of a hug, not like, a violent push, I think I may have described it incorrectly.
I do love my son. He is here now. Putting up toys up to his ear and saying "he-wo, he-wo!" because he cannot say the L yet. He keeps me strong. My love for him is absolute. Whatever I do, will be for his safety and well being at this point.
I know from experience that emotional and mental abuse is harder to recover from than the just physical abuse. I knew I never deserved the physical abuse. But the constant haranguing and putting me down and making all problems out to be my fault, constantly telling me I am dumb, wrong, messed up etc eventually eats away at one's soul. We begin to believe it. Frankly, it took longer and was more difficult to recover from the mental abuse and regain some self esteem than it was to recover from the physical abuse.
Don't wait to save money, get hold of a women's shelter today, often they can come and get you and the baby and get you to a safe house with a secret address where you can stay until you get on your feet and figure out what you are doing next. They can help you live until you get a job, or get some assistance, and get your own place. They can help you connect with counseling, education, training, childcare, and resources in your community.
You can't even think straight in the environment you are in, RUN don't walk, to the nearest safe place. Don't even think about going back until and unless he demonstrates two years of documented sobriety and treatment. You can participate in family treatment and counseling with him, but other than that you should consider divorce if he continues to refuse to make an effort. His alcoholism will only get worse without him making a change.
Frankly, you putting up with it, sends the message that his bad behavior is okay. (To both him and your one year old.) Sometimes the Alcoholic needs someone to dump him or kick him in the ass, in order to realize they are powerless over alcohol and their life has become unmanageable. He will likely not seek help until he hits a rock bottom and loses something important to him. (Like his family.)
Ala- non could be helpful to you as well, the women's shelter will help you get to meetings as well.
No idea how he decided to get sober...but it was nothing I did.
you are right. Get a job, get some money (he will come sniffing after you for yours)...get a separate bank account. And you probably need to be ready with a bag to leave and go to a shelter.
amazingly enough PEACE will be so much better than the "missing the man you thought you married" that you and your child? you will be better off.
if he hits bottom and gets better? you can revisit...if he doesn't? you will be out and surviving.
and raising a kid in that situation? makes it much more likely he will have the same problem
find out from social services what you can get in supplements.
plan. do. be free.
http://michellelisaanderson.com/?gclid=Cj0KEQiAvJS3BRDd44fjndyii6MBEiQAN4EkPT-62WZS1cSsIPlqBXXHh08Z1E7aLJYmXY2LpM2ZA98aAhZk8P8HAQ
*prayers & hugs*
http://michellelisaanderson.com/2015/12/7-common-mistakes-might-making-while-loving-an-alcoholic/
you know what you want to do...do everything so you never feel guilt...
BUT
Plan for the worst while you hope for the best.
don't start at zero in november if that becomes necessary.
I wish you only the best.
stick around