Whatever you do, don't enter into any patterns of enabling his drinking. I've been married for almost ten years, and I can't tell you how important that is when dealing with someone with an addiction or mental health problems. In fact now is the perfect time to establish yourself in the relationship as being someone who will simply not make it easier or excusable for him to drink. Of course, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be caring and supportive, he has a problem and the most compassionate and supportive thing to do is to stand firmly against it getting any worse. It won't be easy, but you could very well be saving his life.

Keep all the money for bills separate so you have a place to live and keep your credit. If he drives, get a rider to home owners or renters insurance for additional coverage from being sued for damages.
Go to alanon. Keep your own activities and interests and job. Don't bail him out of any situation, he is a grown man and can handle things himself. If you have plans to go to something and he doesn't show up, go anyway.
If he wants help, understand that he may be at meetings every day, or have to go to inpatient rehab for a while. If he gets sober, he will have to be dealing with whatever he is covering up from his drinking. And if he gets violent? all bets are off.
At some point you have to say "is this how I want to live the rest of my days"
The enabling thing is huge. learn all you can about it. Maybe Katrinka will give her list of books....I read lots of alanon literature. Some I like, some not- but it helps me think straight.
Welcome. Sorry you had to find us. Keep on comming back.

I think it's tough being married to someone in active addiction (or recovery). I would definitely google search on alcoholism, signs of alcoholism, traits of alcoholics, etc. You'll see a lot about detachment and the idea of worrying about yourself, protecting yourself, setting boundaries, etc. I think it makes it possible to survive but personally don't think it's sustainable for a lifetime. The self esteem, hiding things, etc. are typical of addicts and something you have to learn to handle. Being newly married and just learning about this, I would definitely give it time to sink in and get adjusted before you make big life moves like moving away from family or starting a family, giving up your career, etc. I know this wasn't the most uplifting response, but it's stuff you'll need to work through to make things work.

I guess it would depend on how you define a "successful" marriage. Does that mean simply staying married, or does it require being happily married?

All relationships go through rough times. If he is willing to admit he has a problem and get help, then this may be one of the rough times you will go through. On the other hand, if he's not interested in changing and only in making you accommodate his addiction, it can come to define your relationship. The difference between helping a spouse recover from an alcohol addiction or forever being married to an alcoholic...some things to think about.

I know it is so hard. My husband is addicted to prescription pain pills. We've been married almost ten years, and I've only recently learned of his relapse. There are success stories out there, so learn as much as you can and try to stay positive. Here's hoping we'll both be among the success stories one day.

Sorry, but
Alcoholic Successful Marriage

You might as well ask, "How do a bake a sweet cake without sugar?" At the risk of sounding cynical, though I have been in your position, is to have a 'manageable' marriage, but that is a far cry from successful.
I don't paricularly recommend Alanon or CoDA or any of the 12 step programmes, because you will end up serving them instead of your husband, which is a poor substitute. Abstaining from a relationship is not the solution for ridding yourself of a bad relationship.
Brace yourself now, that your husband drinks to masque some sort of personality disorder he would rather deny and not deal with.
These days these so-called help groups will tell you that alcoholism is a 'spiritual' disease that is not his fault; he's not to blame, and that's the way it is. They will attempt to send him on this labyrinth of twelve magical recovery steps which will have more resemblance to the Search for the Holy Grail than true recovery.
Your husband needs long term psycho-therapy. You probably need short-term psycho-therapy, to move beyond the guilt that 'dumping' him is morally condemnable because he's a poor innocent 'sick' man who 'caught' alcoholism like others contract cancer.. Alanon and CoDA will urge you to get him into AA if there is any hope for you, and all you will be doing is turning to this group and solving - sadly - nothing.
If you want to manage him, you will have to learn to be a harsh person, who will be very domineering, and mentally punish him for bad behavior (drinking) by totally withdrawing and ignoring him, and rewarding him for good behavior (abstinance). That is nothing less than emotional blackmail, but it works, until it burns you out. Most don't have that sort of mental strength. I have no doubt you will eventually try it, because you will leave no stone unturned.
If you do not use this sort of manipulation and emotional blackmail, then it will be you who will be manipulated and blackmailed. He will forever behave like 14 year child who refuses to mind his mother, and you will be the mother, powerless to bring him to reason. He will hold all the trump cards in his hand, and everytime you think you have gotten through to him, and he promises to change, he will trump you and get drunk again. This process will repeat ad naseum. He will say he's sorry, promise not to do it again, and break his promise. You will threaten, get angry, and want to quit, but just before you do, he will pretend to change. Go to recorvery, or something like that.
Most alcoholics seek a partner who would do anything to make them happy, believing that spouse 'understands' them. In this case 'understanding' = being able to behave as they damn well please.
You could save yourself years of grief, by telling him now to go to recovery. Make it condition to stay married. And makie it a condition that if he has a relapse, then it's over. Then you must get a divorce. Plan youir escape now. It is highly likely he will try to pretend to want recovery. Some call this emotional blackmail. I call setting damage limits. He has a choice to choose what is more important: his nasty habbit, or you. If he choose the former, you did not fail. He made a poor choice, but at least you have spared yourself much grief.

Please plan for your eventual escape now. When you foolishly believe he might change for you, if you love him enough, you will wait too long. When you have children and aging or dying parents, this escape will be so much harder to enact. Do not ruin your chances for happiness martyring yourself to someone who may never have the ability to appreciate you until you're not there.

I have to say, that I believe Al-Anon WILL HELP you.I have been married 23 yrs.And I wish I knew to go then,I could have dealt with his alcoholism so much better and taken care of myself so much better too.I have been going to al-anon off and on for a year whenever I can afford to go.I dont have any nearby and travel.I have to disagree
with the other person's description.But we all have our perspectives.
But I do have to say,it will help you whether you decide to stay or leave. It doesnt encourage you to suck ass, Oh how I wish I could have known of al-anon so many, long years ago.I would have been in a whole lot better shape and not have suffered like I have.Good luck to you.Please give the group a very good try.It will help you know how to deal all this.
Hugs,
Ross

Everything you have said Weissdron is whats happening to me for the last five years of my marriage. My husbad hid it from me after been together for a year we got married and thats when i got to know.his other side. After what it seems to be over 100 times, he hasnt quit. He even got a dui last year and now is on probabtion. The lawyer we got basically got my husband a slap in the wrist since he didnt have to do much but attend AA for two months and take a class thats was also two months. After that he went back to drinking . We live in california and his blood alchool level was close to the percentgae of it being treated as a felony and not a misdemeanor. He promised and promised and nothing changed. Now im suffering the consequences and dont know where else to turn but hearing eveeyones advice is really making me rethink my life and move this year n buy my own home with money i have been saving for a while. My grandma always has aaid to never rely on only your husband but you yourself must be prepared for anything that happens. Save as much as you can and i hope you never have to use it to leave your husband.

Hi! I am in your same position! I am a newly wed- 9 months in. I discovered the same thing. I do not want a divorce yet I am starting to think ahead to having kids. I worry about the future of our unborn children. I am not getting any younger but I do not want to be selfish and bring kids into the world when his drinking is not under control. I am not sure what to do either. Glad I found someone in my same position. If you get any support/resources that help, let me know! I will do the same.

Thirty five Years later after trying every therapeutic philosophy, years of therapy for me (quite useful) years of therapy for him ( a complete waste ) , AA, alanon.
Pleading screaming begging trying to control trying to detach on and on and on.
He is a 63 year old addicted to whatever he can get his hands on, lying, useless , example of a waste of precious life. ( sorry if I sound harsh here ... I'm on the triggered side today b/c he asked me for a tranquilizer so he could go get the taxes done?????? He had anxiety????? ) anyway, this is an example of how things, in my case turned out. With me as the bad guy policing mother of a 63 year old child. I know there are success stories out there..... but in my home all the love support offers of help etc DID.NOT.WORK.

Weissdorn - I feel like you perfectly articulated how I feel about AA. The magical "Higher Power" is going to fix everything, if only the alcoholic will give in to it. I feel like there's no accountability or no real search for the reasons why these people choose to drink. My husband has been going for almost a year now with several relapses and I am beyond frustrated. I'm so sick of hearing "you don't understand because you're not an alcoholic." In my head, it's like, at some point you are sober and you CHOOSE to drink! Until you figure out the reason behind that (via therapy of some sort), you are destined to be stuck in the never ending cycle of waiting around for the Higher Power to decide you are going to stay sober. From the online research I've done, AA has a 5-10% success rate, which is why I find it so hard to understand why everyone seems to think that AA is the gold standard for the treatment of alcoholism.

Oh man, I'm not sure what weissdorn is smoking, but her writing seems to reflect a lot of ignorance and disrespect for groups and people that have found different ways of dealing with the effects of alcoholism,. that work for them.
Anyway, as far as alcoholism and marriage, it's not a good mix for joy, happiness, or real love. And the fact that he felt he had to hide it from you perhaps shows that he also knows this.
There is help available if you look for it. You can ask your Dr. for advise or try support groups, including Al-anon. Some have different approaches to deal with it, but in the end, it all comes down to you, and what you want for your life.
Even being here on this site can help tremendously. Like anything else, you take what you need and leave the rest. Not everything people say or advise will work for you. It may work for them, but we all have our own paths to follow, and by continuing to look you will find yours. Wish you all the best. James

I am 7 months in to my marriage and like many others on here, my husband is an alcoholic. "you don't understand because you don't have the "disease", is what he says and tonight he told me that I bring up his drinking to convince myself that our fighting isn't my fault...ha! Considering the only time we fight is when he's buzzed up, i can't believe it. I believe I've hit my breaking point. He has started to get mean (not physical, but yelling and grumbling) and seems like he's so angry. He pretty much told me he can see I'm not happy and to go. I guess this is it. It saddens me and I love him very much but I'm so tired and exhausted of trying so hard and it breaks my heart.

Loaded question. As much as I loved my husband when we married, given the pain and suffering I've experienced because of his alcoholism, I don't think I would have married him if I knew what I know now. We are complete strangers now and I don't want anything to do with him. He is not the man I married and has turned into the type of person I would never have wanted anything to do with. This is my first marriage, his second and we have no kids together, thank God. I can't imagine having kids in this terrible environment.

Had I gone to Alanon, etc earlier in our marriage, not sure I would still be with him. I stayed with him because I loved him so much--now that is almost gone and I'm really questioning why I am still here.

Get some help for yourself. Don't let this ruin your life.

Being in this for 19 years, I feel like we go into a survival mode and just go through our days. In the beginning, we fall in love with who we think they are, but slowly over time, find out who they really are. But before that, we hold out hope that some day, we will see that man we fell in love with. That someday, all our suffering and hard work will pay off and they will come around and want to change the way they are. When things don't change, we get numb and resentful for the way things turned out.
Plus, it is hard to justify leaving, when they don't physically harm us. And we don't have the heart to just up and leave, or we would have a long time ago. With me, I held out hope for many years, that he would sober up and things would get better. He did for three years, but by then, I was spent and done living like this. I started realizing, even sober, I really didn't like who he was and would have never married him had I known the real person that he was inside. Now, still here because I have two teens to raise.
I agree with your last statement, don't be stubborn and think that your man is different, read all you can about the disease and what it does to families and the addict, and decide if you really want to go down this dark, lonely, painful road with someone who may always put their addiction above you and the family.

The only person who can make a decision on what you want to do is yourself. I been with my husband through hell and back, its not alcohol.. but drugs in our case. It took alot for him to get clean prison time etc... He been clean now for almost 7 yrs, has a full time jobs he loves for construction company and just recently got promoted to a higher position. He does go to a men's group meeting for AA and we go together to speakers meeting. I never attended Alanon ... we been together for almost 13 yrs and married for almost three. I go with him to a speakers meeting once a week. We have support from our families and friends, but thats not how it has always been.

It's up to every individual on how much and what they can or cannot handle. You can try Alanon meetings to see if you will like them or if they will work for you. You can try journaling because its a free therapy, but never ever enable the addict who is in active addiction.

Don't give in into his excuses, don't give him money for alcohol and etc..
take care of yourself first, find hobbies and stay busy, make sure you have another account where u keep money... i didnt so that was one of my mistakes ... we still have our money together... but he is working full time .. and his checks get deposited into one of our joint accounts. He does have a bank card and credit card, and home depot card. I pay the bills... i know what we have and where all the money goes. We are kind of spenders though...