I hate to be so blunt, but that was such an ignorant thing for her to say... its so easy too pass judgment on someone else when they haven't been there.

It isn't anyone's fault. Unless the child is a 5 year old, there's really nothing that a parent can do. No parent has that kind of control over their child's life.

Way back when I took a Women's Studies class in college, I remember a discussion about rape and domestic abuse. Women look for ways to blame other women for getting raped, whether it's because of the way they dressed, where they went, what they drank, or whatever. We convince ourselves that we could never end up in an abusive relationship. The psychology behind that is that if we can somehow find a reason why a woman would be raped or abused, then we can feel like we're safe because we never dress that way or get that drunk, or whatever. We lie to ourselves to make ourselves feel safe.

This is the same principle. Parents lie to themselves and think that only bad parents have kids that get into trouble with the law or get addicted to drugs. If they convince themselves of that, then they can sleep at night with the belief that it would never happen to their kid.

I have two kids and raised them the same way and did everything I could to warn them repeatedly about the dangers of drugs. My daughter never touched drugs and my son is a recovering heroin addict. A friend of mine has two sons. One is a model son and the other (recovering) addicted to heroin. She's a middle school guidance counselor that certainly did everything she could to warn her kids of the dangers of drugs. It's really not a matter of parenting. It's more a matter of peer pressure and opportunities.

God help her that she never has to live thru anything like this.
Hold your chin up...I know a PERFECT set of parents...both VERY successful...both would have been considered model parents...

Their son is a full blown addict.

So is mine...just sayin...I WASNT perfect and I was an alcoholic myself and I NEVER blamed my sons addiction on myself. Addiction to me is like a bug...you have it or you don't....nothing anyone can do.

Actually my parents were model parents and they have THREE alcoholic daughters.

I feel better just hearing from you fine moms. I preached to my children from when they were very young. I also pray that she never has to go through anything as horrific as this. Thank you so much!

joenick, are your sister-in-laws children all grown up? How old are they? I too, have had "friends" & family make those comments, knowing what Im going through. It cuts VERY deep & hurts terribly. I am slowly learning that is ISNT my fault my son is an alcoholic. I do take responsibility for passing on the alcoholic gene to him, but that's it. If her kids aren't adults, it could still happen to her. She better watch what she says.

donna, I wish this site had a "like" button, I would give you 10,000 likes. Not like that is important, but you really said that well & it is true

I walked daily with a "friend" and after 7 years she said to me :"good parents don't have kids who get in trouble"...I asked her if she knew she had just said that out loud.
my brother today told me he had bragged about how we had helped my son get better....I said "it is all from the grace of God, nothing I did helped him at all..i started therapy at 13 and at 23 he was a major drunk...I don't know what made him get sober" He believes he can prevent his kids going this path by my son getting sober? not likely.
My friend from here - Dee...told off some mucky mucks in the fashion/beauty industry at a big meeting after they made comments...
ignorance is everywhere.
either get up and walk away, call him on it by saying something like "Ouch, that was a nasty thing to say" or learn to treat it like water off a duck's back and let it go immediately.
I ran a church sunday school for 7 years, and my son was a sunday school teacher. and I had over 275 kids in my trusted care...and a daughter 10 out of 500 in her class...and a son in and out of jail...on tv every tuesday and thursday for a month...
I have heard every idiot thing that only ignorant people can think of.
It is them, not you.
It is not their journey....yet.

My sister in laws kids are 23, 17 and 16. All girls and all good kids, as mine were at this age. I don't think I would ever make a statement like that about someone's parenting (even if my child never had a drug problem). I am a firm believer of the phrase "don't spit in the air, becasue it will come right back at you". My problem also is that I confide and do not try to hide things. Sometimes too open, but I have always been that way...too trusting! My sister in law is more secretive and likes to know what's going on but not one to share. I have truly learned my lesson not to open up to her in my weak moments. I like Donna's comment about convincing themselves that it cannot happen to their kids. I think my sister in law lives in a bubble and I pray she never has to live half of what has happened to me.

Joenick...your sister-in-law is living in blissful ignorance. Sadly, she may one day become well-acquainted with addiction. We did.

My husband and I never smoked, drank, or used drugs of any kind. We raised our kids in a loving, stable home. We attended church regularly, home-schooled for several years, were involved with all our kids' activities, knew their friends, and supervised everything very closely.

They both graduated high school and had to that point never smoked, drank, or used drugs. When they moved out on their own, they started.

We now have two grown kids {ages 26 and 29} who gave their lives over to substance abuse. Our oldest went through rehab last summer, says he's not using, but is still caught up in the old behaviors of not working and "borrowing" $$$ from everyone. He's using his back injury as an excuse for lying around the house.

We finally set a date that he has to be out. Don't care how, don't care where, just out.

We, like you, have done nothing wrong. We did the absolute best we could. We didn't teach our children that behavior or those choices by either word or deed. We didn't teach that life, we didn't live that life. They have made their own choices.

I feel deeply for you, as we have family members & friends who are much like your sister-in-law. We never would've believed our kids would've turned out this way. Not in a million years.

As the saying goes, until you've walked a mile in another's shoes, don't be too quick to judge.

ignorance is all around us. we know the truth :) and it has made us less judgmental and raising awareness is the first step

I have heard similar comments from people. They are very shocked when I tell them my son was 23 before he used heroin. As a parent you think you are in the clear by that age but, I'm not. I am now raising his son who is 6 (I have for 3 years) and will continue to. You can just turn tell her your kids will never be to old to become addicts and with that kind of closed minded thinking you will be the one thrown for a loop!! I can't stand when uneducated people make such stupid remarks...

It's frustrating how ignorant people can be. I cannot tell you how frustrated I am after hearing these comments.

Remember

I didnt cause it
I cant control it
I cant cure it

OH, I sooooo hear this. I was reading something on FB today about police officers getting trained for narcan and the comments that followed boiled my blood. You can just imagine the hateful things people would post and the language. And you're right until you go through this hell, you just have NO idea.

It's no ones fault but the addict. They made the choice. We give them the lessons, we teach them right from wrong, but the make their own decisions. And this sentiment has come directly from our own addict. He is the FIRST one to say it had nothing to do with us, we where and are good parents, but it was HIS choice.
.

It's people like her that make it hard for us, the ones struggling, to be open and honest about what we are going through, their judgemental comments are the VERY reason we all keep so silent.

I too have people in my family that have made passing comments, although they have NO idea what we've been battling because people like them have SHAMED us into silence, I just pray they do not have to face this with their kids.

Is she someone that knows what is going on? Maybe you can reverse that 'shame' she put on you and put it back on her for being ignorant?

I guess we just have to pray for their ignorance. SMH.....