ultimately you have to live with the decision you make and no one can make it for you. you have to be comfortable. i don't think there is a one size fits all answer for addicition. hugs and prayers

You are, of course, 100% right, jainlor. On both counts...no one can make this decision for us, and there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Dang it.

In my opinion I would NEVER recommend cutting communication off. If
Something were to happen to my boys I would hate to think my last words to them would be don't call me anymore.

One of my sons and I had this conversation tonight. My DIL's friend past of an OD. His parents cut him off. When you're parents completely give up what hope do you have left?

What I would cut off is any enabling. Doesn't seem you are doing that. No money no staying at your home unless they are in recovery. That kind of stuff I cut.

I'm a big believer that everyone has the ability to change. What's a phone call always saying that?

Please think hard about this. I'd hate to see you wish one day if only.....
I believe the only reason my son is in a sober house right now is because I kept reminding him of his value. And I never gave up on him. He has a long road ahead and I will never turn my back on my child. (Unless he was violent and abusive)

I understand what you're going through and it was recommended I cut off communication from my son because even though being in recovery for codependency for 40 years there is still a chance I could relapse, cave and again try to control, fix, or caretaker especially if I'm experiencing HALT - hungry, angry, lonely or tired. But still ordering if I can do it. Best to you!

givenup...this is where I'm really struggling. Having one son clean 2 years and one still active in his addiction. The sober son tells me he used to use what little communication he had with us during his years of addiction as a tool of manipulation to play on our sympathy, knowing we would never completely turn our backs on him {in spite of the fact that we didn't help him financially either, nor allow him to live with us}.

But, like you, I feel at this point in time, the death notification is imminent. The few times we are able to communicate, we try to remind him of his value, to us and more importantly to God, but he just gets more angry and belligerent, and can't understand whey we don't "help" him if we love him so much.

I take seriously all input from this group. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Still praying and considering...not making any decisions today.

When he becomes angry and belligerent is when you draw a boundary line. I said to my son when he would call in the beginning of the conversation....if you start with the attacks or nastiness I'm hanging up and when you respect me you can call me back. And I have many times. He always calls back in a day or so and we start over. But when he would call I would repeat it again. Let's face it we shouldn't let anyone mistreat us. Addicts or not.

And I know you have one sober son. I have two also. Both presently clean. Each one handle life different. What works for one didn't work for the other.

We know there's no magic in this. It sucks all around. I just feel cutting them off completely wreaks no one cares. No one has any hope. And I live my life on hope, faith and a lot of prayer.

I hope you can practice boundaries. I get codependency and our triggers. Queen of it in my past.

Sending prayers he goes for help

Thank you for your insight, given up...at this point in time, I'm not ready/willing to completely cut-off communication. However, I will try not to be the one to initiate it. I will not call him or text him. If he wants to seek us out, okay, but otherwise, for my own sanity, I have to back off.

{Our active-addict son is very much like me...hates confrontation. So, he's seldom, if ever, angry or belligerent to my face. The times he comes across that way is through text messages.}

He called yesterday - saw his number pop up on caller ID, but did not answer. A few minutes later, he pulled up in front of our barn to retrieve some of his belongings. My husband went out to speak with him. He was trying to encourage "A" to get help while there's time to do so, and reminded him that we don't want to have to plan a funeral for him. "A" told my husband that he's planning on checking into rehab after he fulfills his 8 hours of community service for a recent speeding ticket. I don't believe one word of it. He's been promising to go to rehab for months...I'll call Monday...I'll go after I take care of... I'll believe it when I see it. It was the same way with our older son when he was an addict. There was no anger in the conversation between "A" and his Dad, just a civil exchange, then "A" was on his way back to his addicted life. Heartbreaking.

I stumbled across this verse of Scripture a couple of days ago, and I'm clinging to it's promises:

"But you will not need to fight! Take your places; stand quietly and see the incredible rescue operation God will perform for you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem! Don't be afraid or discouraged! Go out there tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!"
~ 2 Chronicles 20:17

When I read this, it is as if the Lord is speaking directly to me regarding "A", as if He is telling me, "You don't need to fight because this is not YOUR fight! It's MINE. Stand firm and watch what I will do as I RESCUE "A".

This passage jumped out at me because for months my constant plea to the Lord has been to RESCUE "A" from the darkness of addiction. That one word - RESCUE - that I pray all day, every day, was right there in God's Word! I meditate on this night and day, and I'm trying to trust God for the results.

I believe in prayer and turning it over to God.
And you will sleep a lot better at night doing what you said. Step back and let him make the contact. Best solution in my opinion. Really
Nothing else we can do right?

I know your heartache all too well. And it just stinks

I never cut off communication. I didn't enable, and he never called me drunk (alcoholic)..he called from jail, he called to tell us he was going to rehab. I could not do it.
then
rehab, he called after 28 days to let us know he was going from a hospital to rehab...and we didn't hear from him for over 2 months...until they wanted us to come to family counseling.
I was afraid when the phone rang.
but I always had to answer. even just to say NO, I can't help you and I love you...
But, if I felt it was making me sick, I would have, I think. You know what you need....my sympathies.