Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I'm new to this group and relatively new to dealing with an addict.
My boyfriend has been an alcoholic for about 15 years, a fact I didn't learn until after we learned we were pregnant. It seemed relatively manageable until his fTher passed away earlier this year and everything went down hill - his drinking escalates and he started disappearing and doing drugs. He left us for a week at which point I decided to stage an intervention. He was considering killing himself. While in the process of waiting to talk to someone about interventions, he came home. I convinced him to seek help and we got him involved in an intensive out patient program that offers a lot of services, group therapy, etc, but requires a lot of self recognizance which he is not capable of. This program is expensive but in patient even more so.
He failed the first two weeks - they expect you to be dry and he drank, would show up to group drunk or not go. His counsellor and I decided it was time to lay a solid consequence down. One drink this week and he goes to inpatient rehab.
He's been good this week but there's this selfishness, which has been a characteristic of his personality from jump, that is depleting me.
Selfish with his addiction and now selfish with his recovery, I raise our 1 1/2 year old basically by myself, I take care of the house, run the errands. I even try to work part time. And I'm constantly stressed about where he is, what he's doing, who he's with and how much money he's throwing away.
its such a slap in the face when he says things like I should be more positive, I don't do enough, I shouldn't ask favors or expect anyone to bend over backwards for me (I asked him to drive me to a friends to run an errand and he agreed but then never showed up because he got distracted by his own efforts). I'm selfish for asking for help, for expecting him to be a partner and a parent. I should let him focus on his recovery, like I let him focus on his addiction.
When does this selfishness end? When can I stop walking on eggshells? It would be so easy to walk away and let him destiny himself and not care but what would my daughter think if she knew I didn't do everything I could to help her father? Am I being naive? Selfish? Stupid?
I read today a post by a woman who chided those on the outside who expect us to be strong in the face of such abuse and expect us to forgive and forget and support and offer compassion blindly. But the alcoholics aren't compassionate, they don't say sorry to us. I have a disease
You have to be kind to me! Well I'm sick of my kindness earning me insults and abuse. I think they mistake our silence as weakness but they're wrong. It takes more strength to stay silent that it does to spew bile and purposely hurt others with your words.
When does his selfishness start, and mine get to begin?
My boyfriend has been an alcoholic for about 15 years, a fact I didn't learn until after we learned we were pregnant. It seemed relatively manageable until his fTher passed away earlier this year and everything went down hill - his drinking escalates and he started disappearing and doing drugs. He left us for a week at which point I decided to stage an intervention. He was considering killing himself. While in the process of waiting to talk to someone about interventions, he came home. I convinced him to seek help and we got him involved in an intensive out patient program that offers a lot of services, group therapy, etc, but requires a lot of self recognizance which he is not capable of. This program is expensive but in patient even more so.
He failed the first two weeks - they expect you to be dry and he drank, would show up to group drunk or not go. His counsellor and I decided it was time to lay a solid consequence down. One drink this week and he goes to inpatient rehab.
He's been good this week but there's this selfishness, which has been a characteristic of his personality from jump, that is depleting me.
Selfish with his addiction and now selfish with his recovery, I raise our 1 1/2 year old basically by myself, I take care of the house, run the errands. I even try to work part time. And I'm constantly stressed about where he is, what he's doing, who he's with and how much money he's throwing away.
its such a slap in the face when he says things like I should be more positive, I don't do enough, I shouldn't ask favors or expect anyone to bend over backwards for me (I asked him to drive me to a friends to run an errand and he agreed but then never showed up because he got distracted by his own efforts). I'm selfish for asking for help, for expecting him to be a partner and a parent. I should let him focus on his recovery, like I let him focus on his addiction.
When does this selfishness end? When can I stop walking on eggshells? It would be so easy to walk away and let him destiny himself and not care but what would my daughter think if she knew I didn't do everything I could to help her father? Am I being naive? Selfish? Stupid?
I read today a post by a woman who chided those on the outside who expect us to be strong in the face of such abuse and expect us to forgive and forget and support and offer compassion blindly. But the alcoholics aren't compassionate, they don't say sorry to us. I have a disease
You have to be kind to me! Well I'm sick of my kindness earning me insults and abuse. I think they mistake our silence as weakness but they're wrong. It takes more strength to stay silent that it does to spew bile and purposely hurt others with your words.
When does his selfishness start, and mine get to begin?
I was married a long time ago to a drinker. I know the agony of raising three children alone always wondering when or if he would come home at night. Or if he would have any money left out of his check to buy diapers or food.
I decided I had enough and got a job. I had to feed my kids and keep a roof over our head. So I threw him out. Did he get sober? No. Did he see his kids. No. Support them. No.
I realized by staying I was enabling his behavior. I stayed a lot longer then I should have. Long enough for him to screw up my kids and now they are in rehab.
Things won't get better for you until you start to take care of you and let go of trying to make him better. You can't fix him and your child might just be better off if Mommy wasn't always stress and exhausted and witness this for years to come.
it isn't just about using.
it is about a balanced life.
and WE don't have to walk on eggshells, we do that to ourselves.
we have a right to live a healthy life.
so decide what is best for you and the baby...what kind of example do you want to set for the next generation.
and where do you want to see yourself in 5 or 10 years?
only you can decide what to do...but just because you love someone, doesn't mean they are right for you.
Don't be that magnet!!
They are fully aware who they can manipulate.
No one should accept this!
PS when I was told by mr. Perfection that I wasn't living up to my potential ...... I came across an Angel card that had the title " Potential" I taped it to our mirror in the bedroom, it is still there as a reminder to myself that I am awesome.