Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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what to look for

KimW62
KimW62
It's been awhile since I've been here, but I need advice. My cocaine-addict husband has been gone on business for 5 weeks out of the country. We had 4 really rough months since I found out he's an addict, and our relationship has really gone downhill. He had one relapse in April and said he had been clean since. Well, he's been in a country where drug use is everywhere, and I really don't know if he's been clean the entire time or not, says he has been. He comes home in just a few hours and I'm really nervous! Anyway, I'd like to know some signs to watch for - I just don't want to be lied to any longer. I'm really naive with this, and honestly the time he's been gone has been such a relief for me, no worrying, just taking care of me. I know he hasn't touched our credit card or our bank account, but he had access to cash. I guess I'm really looking for advice on how to trust him again - just in case he's really trying to stay clean. By the way, we've been married almost 30 years and this is the first time I'm ready to walk out. thanks for listening to my ramblings....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Dear Kim:

I am praying for you in your situation. I can imagine you are filled with anxiety. I am new to this whole world. (My son finally admitted using meth). I think others can help you with the signs to look for. But I just wanted to give you my support. Be strong. From what I've learned so far, addicts lie. Please keep posting. This site has been so supportive for me and I just recently joined!
deleted_user
deleted_user
First, I would trust that nagging feeling that something is wrong when/if you get it. I never trusted it at first but learned over time to trust it . Then I would look at the usual stuff - check the places where money could come from periodically (retirement fund, home, bank accounts, credit card(s), etc.). Someone using can do surprising things (a new credit card, a loan against the 401k, etc.) but it does tend to show up in the finances first. You can't make yourself crazy with checking & policing but if you are staying with someone in recovery I think you have to protect yourself by staying on top of things. The other signs would be the weird phone calls, crazy stories that require money to fix, and unexplained absences (or explained absences but that are frequent).
katrinka
katrinka
Like Bhamguy stated, listen to your gut it will tell you. If you notice difference in behavior, like extreme happiness followed by extreme depression or saying he is sick. Finances, unexplained whereabouts, change in his normal routine. The proof is there we just tend to not want to believe it so we rationalize it away.
Goodluck.
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
yup. what they said. And if he was using over there...he won't suddenly stop when he gets home. You will see the physical signs on his face too...Wow, I am at 29 years, and I cannot imagine that change in my marriage. We have had strokes and now diabetes...but drugs at this point? yes, I would feel overwhelmed.
You could always have him do a p-test....but that would be for a "I will walk out if you used" kind of line in the sand.
I wish you well. Be careful of your health with all the extra stress.
KimW62
KimW62
Thanks for your comments, I think I know what to look for, I just hate feeling like I'm policing but since this happened right under my nose for over 3 years!, I guess I'm a bit gunshy. He's now been home two full days and is trying to do stuff together, but I'm not in a routine and it's hard to just change that and be a couple again because we basically had a separation for almost 6 weeks. I really don't like him very much right now - I think I went a little far with this detachment :) again, thanks for your help.