Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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HopeLivesHere 10/12/2011

I am heartbroken today to see the man I love is giving up on his recovery. Yesterday he finally admitted to me that he had used. He said he hasn't been using continuously, but I def know its been at least twice in the past few weeks. I cried and told him that I can't watch him die from this and that I couldnt be with him. He said that he loves me and doesnt want me to go. I suggested that he needs to get to meetings and he said no that he wouldnt go. He said that he didnt care about recovery but then he said he didnt know what he wanted at this point. He got mad when I said I couldnt stay around for that and said that I made my choice and that the break-up was on me. Like WTF seriously, he expects me to stay around and just continue to let him use? I dont understand how he could say he loves me and wants a family but that he wont do what it takes to get clean. He asked what I wanted and I said for him to get clean and stay clean, but I also told him its not about what I want he has to WANT to be CLEAN and STAY CLEAN.

For the rest of the night we didnt speak. Though I wanted to hug him and hold him we didnt even dare touch. I know it drives him insane when we are right next to each other and we arent speaking or have contact. I love him but I cant stay if he's going to do this. Its not fair to anyone.

So the question is what do I do now? Do I keep trying to talk to him about recovery or do I just stay silent and let him think and decide what to do on his own.?

katrinka 10/12/2011

It sounds like you still have hope so try reading the book Get Your Love One Sober by Dr Robert Meyers. In the book you use CRAFT to get them to change. This book will help you learn how to set boundaries and you may help him see he wants to be with you more then the drugs. http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812
Addiction is genetic, chemical imbalance and environment. So there are so many factors, if one or both of his parents were addicts he has a much higher chance of being an addict. If he close to your age his chances of quitting are better then those who are over 30. After early thirties statistics show that they won't quit until much older.
CRAFT stands for Community Reinforcement Approach and Family Therapy
http://www.robertjmeyersphd.com/craft.html

HopeLivesHere 10/12/2011

His grandfather suffered from gambling, drug and alcohol addiction which is what he has. The environment that we are in is not condusive to recovery either. Unfortunatley the "friend" he usually takes off with is his sister's boyfriend and always is around. When he first came home from rehab when this friend would appear, my boyfriend didnt want to be around him. Anytime he would come around he would say he didnt want him there and we would go for a walk. Then slowly over time he would come around and my b/f would want to hang out with him withought drinking, then the drinking starting and the drugs followed. Funny part is whenever we go somewhere liek upstate to his sisters house or to PA. I am not worried about him doing drugs. He only thinks of drugs he says when he is in our neighborhood. Even after his 2nd rehab attempt he was clean for 2 months came back to the neighborhood and began to use.

blueviolet725 10/12/2011

plan for the worst, hope for the best. Put you and the children first.
You can't cure it, control it or contain it...

katrinka 10/12/2011

Addicts have triggers, so just driving down the street where they used to purchase drugs can trigger a craving. The addict wasn't even thinking of using and his brain will react. For some moving to a different part of the country helps them. It takes a long time to get pass the psychological part of drug abuse.

deleted_user 10/13/2011

My advice would be not to keep trying to talk about his recovery. I would suggest working on your own. Find a meeting to attend to help yourself. In this way you can feel a bit better and get support around you and from that things can improve. You might be really lucky and he'll follow you into recovery. Addiction makes us all insane. Let it begin with you, I'd say.

deleted_user 10/13/2011

Great comments from everyone! I would add a couple other resources. One is low cost phone counseling for family members and friends of someone addicted(https://www.whydonttheyjustquit.com/counseling/).
In one hour you can learn a ton of info that will give you the tools you need to "speed up" the process and at the same time, take care of yourself. This is something you can do today to formulate a plan for moving forward.

The other resource is a book called "Soaring Above Coaddiction" by Lisa Espich. Great practical tips how she managed to make it through her husband's addiction.

Hang in there, and don't give up yet (or ever)!

HopeLivesHere 10/14/2011

Thank you so much to everyone.

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