It seems he did not relapse this is his cycle, to relapse you have to have time clean, not just a month and making progress by working some kind of program.
He doesn't want to stop, and he probley wasn't wrongfully terminated. People who use drugs or drink their mind is elsewhere it isn't fully on their job. I know my ex he loved his job but his addiction was always on his mind. So instead of giving 100% to his job he was giving 70% and 30% was spent figuring out when he would get to use drugs and how he could use drugs, stay married and not loose his job.
I know your frustrated and last night was hard as I had many nights AH didn't come home like he said. I think its great your going to school plus working. I am doing the same. The only person you have control over is yourself.
Your husband doesn't want to stop and with losing his job it will get worst, do not play into the wrongfully terminated that only gives him excuses why he can drink or use drugs.

Thanks Katrinka...you are right about his not relapsing and his not wanting to stop...i guess that's just what I tell myself...to make me feel better. I promised myself that I would be brutally honest with the addicts in my life this year...and last night I was just forced to be brutally honest with myself...I realized that he doesn't love me...I keep trying to tell myself that he does, but I know deep down that he doesn't ...his actions speak thousands times louder than his words...and it's not just when he's using either, it's all the time...its been this way since 2007...when I quit my job and he didn't agree with my decision...so it is what it is...he doesn't love me and I just need to accept that. I don't care anymore.

As for his termination, he was wrongfully terminated. I know that for a fact. His addiction to money is stronger than his addiction to his drugs...and he did give 100 % to his job and his customers. His company terminated him because of a comment a customer made against his company not against him. We live in an At Will state, and the only way to sue for wrongful termination is if an employee was discriminated against. Other than that, the only thing you can hope for is unemployment reimbursement, if the Unemployment Commission finds that you were fired through no fault or wrongdoing on your part. Well his company tried to deny him unemployment but the commission found in favor of my husband and awarded him unemployment from his company. HIs termination and unemployment really aren't the problem. It's his inability to admit that he is wrong and someone else, anyone else is right.

I actually have no one to talk about this too, because I don't want to burden anyone in my life, but I am seriously considering talking to his family, and his kids mom about him. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him to death, but I can't take much more of this. He is literally destroying all the love I have for him. He has a brother who is an addict, homeless by choice, and now is in treatment for cancer, and his family and HIM routinely get together to have intervention type meeting with his brother. I think it's time they knew the truth about what he's been doing to me and to us.

two things before I go...I realized that we dream about our worst fears...and I find it ironic, that yesterday while he was getting ready to go to his brothers house, I took a nap, and had a dream that he knocked me over the head with the refrigerator door and that that was the last straw for me and I told him to leave...He has never hit me, and I'm pretty sure he knows not to, because if he did, I would have him thrown in jail, I don't love him that much; unlike him, I love myself. more than I love him.

another thing that is driving me crazy, is he came home for about five minutes last night after 1:30...was walking in his I'm flying high as a kite manner, and took something from our kitchen...i can't for the life of me figure out what he took and that is driving me crazy.

anyway, its a sad day in our life when I had to bring everything of value with me to school in my truck, just to protect it from my addict husband...what the hell has our life come to?

again, i'm sorry for ranting on and on about my pitiful relationship.

thanks for listening.

Depressed Recluse

Hi, so sorry for what you are going thru. We both had a good income, he spent all the money he could, when I caught onto that he started pawning any and everything. They are not capable of loving anyone, the addiction is the no. 1 priority. Telling his family is a GREAT start, we can't sweep it under the rug like it is not happening. I did that for a long time and it ate me alive. Tell yours as well, you need all of the support you can get right now. When the secret is out, it puts him the position to have to face everyone, not just you. Good luck

well, I couldn't make it to work...it took all the strength I could muster to make it through my two classes...I had to come home...and what do I come home to: not him of course, but I did come home to the fact that he took his plasma tv to pawn or trade or whatever ...it is his and I don't care one way or another what he does with it...but still it's sad to me that he has reduced himself to being a slave to these dealers...and of course who knows what else he's doing...fuck it...I'm going to bed...maybe I can get up later and study for a test I have tomorrow. certainly won't be watching House tonight!

He took the TV, AH pawned all his stuff very fast and then moved on to mine. I know how you feel about school, I ma taking three classes and that is hard with working but to be taking two classes, plus work and have to deal with a addict that is really tough.
When I made ex leave this last time, I cryed my eyes out, I loved him so much and didn't want to think he loved his drugs more. Maybe you could get him to leave and take a break from all the drama.
Don't agree even if you do about the job that just gives him reason to use. "They let me go I have a right to be using". Drowning his sorrows.
Maybe you feel you need to knocked over the head with something like a refrigerator before you'll end it. Our subconscience tells us stuff our hearts don't want to hear.
Hugs

hey guys,

i'm feeling very strange today...of course nothing has changed since my last post...except that he finally decided to come home...and i find myself lashing out at him because I am angry...I don't want to be home, but I am tired...I don't want to look at him...i don't want to talk to him...I just want to be alone...I was studying over the weekend, and this strange feeling of anxiousness came over me...like i just wanted to run and scream...it passed but today, when i woke up...i have that feeling again...its a real strong feeling of frustration and anxiousness...I'm trying to focus on school...but even that's not working...I feel like I am so behind and can't seem to catch up...FUCK

AARRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I want to be alone...but I don't want to be alone...what the hell is wrong with me?

we haven't talked about what happened on Superbowl weekend...but then again we don't talk so whats the use of being upset...he tries to be playful, and like makeup for what he did...and it just frustrates and angers me more...I am so pissed at him...but apparently I don't have the right to be. I should feel sorry for him and pity him...i don't even know what i'm saying ...i'm gonna go to class now...maybe i'll talk to y'all later.

Depressed Recluse

Be careful with the pity thing. My x used the pity trip to fool me for a long time. He has heart problems and allowed me to believe he had 2 years to live to keep the pity going. It is mentally draining, and mental abuse. I guess I'm just totally burnt but, the passive agressive behavior of him trying to be playful after making you mad by using also gets very old. Also, sounds like you are having alot of anxiety which goes right along with all of the stress he is causing you. Katrinka is right he's not relapsing he has never stopped using. Good luck, get in alanon or a support group, you are trying very hard to go to school and work to make a life for yourself, he has to help himself. Prayers, Maxi

I remember being so anxious about everything, and angry with my ex, and terrified to be alone... all I can say is try Al Anon, it could really help. You have to look after yourself first.

I do not miss the anxiety, stuffing in the feeling so I wouldn't rock the boat and feeling like I could just scream on the inside!!! He isn't going to mention the Superbowl thing that would be admitting he has a problem.
I agree you should not pity him because this will keep you stuck. He will know how to use that to his advantage. Its one thing to know the reasons of addiction, like environment, genetic, chemical imbalance except every addict has to realize for themselves, they have to want to change otherwise you are wasting your time. If they don't think they have a problem and don't want to change they have made that choice.

I am currently in the same kind of cycle with my husband. So I kind-of know how you feel just being so angry you could explode at any minute. I've started therapy and it seems to be helping...even this early on. I love my husband too and know it's so hard to realize that the one you love loves his addiction more that your marriage. All of these folks giving adivce are right...take the advice. I'm starting all-anon next week and can't wait. finding your strength will be a turning point.

Hi Guys!,,,

I'm back after a very long hard week...

About an hour after I posted last (on Monday) my son texted me that a friend of his had killed himself...

until now, my son had not experienced the loss of anyone close to him...so this has hit him, his friends and church youth group pretty hard...and I can see that he's hurting, and of course that makes me hurt...so we've been dealing with that this week...the wake was Friday, and the funeral was Saturday...and it's just been very draining....

then on top of that, I have financial issues to deal with....transportation issues to deal with...familial issues to deal with...and of course, addict husband issues to deal with...the addict husband issues are really getting to me...i've been dealing with this for 7 years...and I'm just tired...and its so selfish of him...to want me to take care of him/us when our situation/issues seem so damn insignificant in light of the loss of this seemingly happy 16 year old kid...this week has been nothing but drama with my husband...on Tuesday, while looking over his COBRA paperwork, they had another name under spouse and had me listed as a child!...needless to say, I was livid! I don't trust him, with $20 cash, much less anything else...and of course this just went there for me...it was proof that he has been playing me for a fool...well needless to say, it was an error on the office's part, but still it was the last thing I needed to deal with this week...

then, he started asking me for money...money to pay his car...money to pay our insurance...and threatening me, that if I don't help with the cost of the car, then I just can't use it anymore...and not that it matters to me, i don't need the car, except for in situations like this week, where I had to get my son to the wake, and funeral...I just can't justify doing things to help him out when he shows me everyday with his actions and lack of actions that he could care less about me and what I need!

i know i'm just ranting again, but I have so much crap going on in my mind that I can't focus on anything...and that is driving me crazy...i can't find a place of solace...a quiet restful place...i literally feel like this relationship is killing me...I don't want to give up...I'm usually a very strong willed, patient person...but this is getting the best of me...

i'm running around like a crazy person...and the worst part is i have no one to talk to!!!!!!

DR

Sorry to hear of the loss of your son's friend.

You do have someone you can talk to - us :-) But also there are meetings, and they are free too!

I read back to your first post in this thread on 7 February - do you remember the dream about the refrigerator? I admire your ability to "survive" all this drama and crisis and trauma, but, and you knew there had to be a but, it is all unnecessary. You don't need to live like this. Will it take a large household appliance hitting you in the head to realise you can change? We can't take the first step, only you can do this.

If you could just get one day away from all this, and get some space to think, then the realisation might bubble up to the surface and you might decide to do the work you need to do to get healthy and safe. It doesn't always mean leaving, but it does mean stopping being drawn into the dramas.

hold on to hope, thanks...i understand about the but...and i guess maybe your right...but you say it doesn't have to mean leaving...i'm determined not to leave...I don't want to go into it, but I realize that this is not the real him...so what do you suggest I do...how do I stop being drawn into the drama...we had another fight today (we usually don't fight cause neither one of us like to argue so we both just shut down)...but we had a big one today...I told him that i was angry with him...that i don't trust him...and that I treat him the way he treats me...and all it does is piss both of us off...I am contemplating going on a trip with my church during spring break, i did it last year and it was great...but...well I just dont' know what the hell to do...I am going to work on getting my house in order so to speak...get my trucks and motorcycle running...but it's hard...i want to have a relationship with my husband and I don't...

i'm sorry i'm just rambling again...I'm gonna go sleep now...have class tomorrow...

BTW, i'm not bragging, but I don't have an addictive personality, and i've always been able to contain my drinking to celebratory events and situations...because of him, I haven't drank in seven years...except occassionally...like at a bike rally last year...but today, i really felt like I needed a drink just to relax!!!...i don't know why i'm telling you all htis, i just am.

bye

Depressed Recluse

You don't want to leave, I would suggest reading the book, Get Your Love One Sober. http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812
You will learn some cognitive behavior techniques to help you deal with living an addict. I did read the book, learned not to argue or nag about my ex's addiction. Eventually like the end of the book talks about you may have to give up which I did. But I am glad I tried numerous things trying to make my marriage work and trying to help him quit drugs. So try this book you have nothing to loose. You will learn how to detach when he is using and how to try and change his using habits.
Goodluck.