Wow, this is absolutely true.... My ex and I have been on again off again a few times. And I left a church, changed some friends, etc... It's a cycle that I think most of us who love an addict have... In anger, in love, all of it. It is very difficult to leave in love, I agree. I am hurting very much since we broke up two weeks ago. But the decision of letting go has to be made at some point in order for us to be sane. If i relapse, by being with him, then i have to go from there... the was I see it, we are also addicts... To them! And it is VERY hard to let go! Not easy at all. But in my case, I do feel a peace I haven't had in a while. And I am looking forward to putting my life back in place. What happens in the future is the future... One day at a time, right?

Half the battle is recognizing what your are doing and making a conscious decision you want the life you left back... not a romantic view of what you want the relationship to be.,... it's that simple - logically. Emotionally, ctrbos, you are right. It is the same as the addict's addiction to drugs. We become addicted to the drama, pain and hyperactivity of living with an addict. It becomes what we are comfortable with at a core level. We might hate it, but it feels normal.
Just like the addict, we must all hit bottom and emotionally detach.
And, we must accept and validate our feelings of anger, resentment, hate and fury.... or we must learn to love ourselves more than we think we love the addict. logically we know - this is not love. it is when we begin to soften that we are most likely to go back and repeat the insanity.

I think the reason i rarely post or comment anymore is because i have moved on so much.
I have checked in many times & have been reading many posts but just cant seem to comment without offending (dont mean to)
I look back on my crazy life with my ex & think "WTF was all that about?"
he is still stuck in his drug using & i am thriving along with my children.
Looking back on the life i had is like looking at someone elses life, i am a very strong independant human being & i am now finding it harder to understand why i got myself in that situation than how i could get myself out of it!
I am not vulnerable, i am not weak, I am not gullable & i have never known any sort of abuse within my family, i had the best parents ever, never heard them have a cross word in my life, my father died when i was young & we (5 of us) were brought up with a stepfather who is the best stepfather in the world, my mum died 25 yrs ago & my stepfather stayed with us through some tough times, he is still with us today making sure we stay on track.
So as you see i have had no bumps in my life but still got sucked into the life of drugs, even becoming addicted to speed a while ago but leaving that life behind has opened so many doors for myself & my children, my oldest daughter is a college lecturer, my youngest goes to one of the best schools in the northeast of England & i am head of the household staff in an exclusive hotel, a far cry from where i was 2 years ago!
The only time in my entire life that i experienced loneliness was when i was with my ex.
I hope at least some of you can take something from this & i hope you can make sense of it, my life continues to bloom, all because i made the most valuable decision of my life..........to leave!! :)

I was thinking about this very subject when i woke this am. I was thinking about how the addicts life intertwines with the all that love him. It poisons all it touches. The non user is not immune to the dysfunction it spreads. The non user holds so much guilt that does not belong to them and the ANGER!! This in itself is poison brought on by the filth of addiction. Don't kid yourself you are not immune to it's destruction. As an addict in recovery I can tell you leaving addiction was extremely difficult. It has been far the most difficult thing I have ever done. The key for me was the same as you speak about here. Walking away without holding all the guilt, anger, pain. If I leave the drugs but hold all this inside then I am still not free from it's clutches. Leaving in love is the key. Loving myself enough to let go of all the past has kept me clean 4 years. Knowing I am loved beyond what I could ever imagine has been my saving grace. I am so grateful to those who loved me enough to walk away, but it was walking away in love that they struggled with. It's not an easy thing to do but all the anger and guilt will only destroy you and if you truly love someone, tap into the love, leave them in love. Drugs want you to take all the negativity, they want you to spread this poison throughout your life and all your life touches. This is addictions only purpose in life. It's purpose is to destroy all it touches. You are as much a victim as the user, in fact more so, you din't bring it into your life yet it is. In my experience the only way to defeat addiction is with love. This is your greatest weapon and we are all deserving of this. Spread this love in your life and in every life you touch. Remove yourself from the drugs and alcohol which only destroy love.
My thoughts are with you
Audra

Great post Lynn. When you leave the addict with love you have learned to not hate the addict, not pass judgement on them and also no longer enable them.
To me after a 1 1/2 yrs in counseling I have learned its okay if I still love my AH. He isn't all bad and none of us are perfect. Just learning to let go of the past, not wanting anything bad to happen to your love one but not letting their drama drag you down.
I accept I will always have a place in my heart for the man I loved, his humor, his hugs, his cooking me anything I was in the mood for. There are lots of good memories along with the bad but I chose to move forward and not live in the drama anymore.
I still come to this site everyday because I want people to know they can love their addict not their behavior.

Hey Everybody,
Great post,I left my ex 5 months ago and have been posting how its been in The Codepency group.It hasnt been easy,not only did I leave him but got away from my family,who is very sick in addiction.Its had its moments,and i have really struggled with depression and lonlleness.But ,the good news is Im healing.I woke up one morning and decided that if i had to spend one more day like this i would rather be dead.And i left.I dont talk to him,call him or ask about him{my daughter remains friends with him}yes its hard ,but how hard was it living in all that misery,chaos and drama?Being scared of never knowing whatll come next?Im soooo glad i got away from the craziness.Im not rich and finacia;;y im just survivng,but im free,able to think more clearly,do what i want to do within my means.God never closes a door without opening another.

Heres a site I found that explained some of my symtoms of living with the people i lived with its very enlightening and I hope it helps someone.Thankshttp://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/

I remember years ago I heard Lois (founder of AA) speak. She said that she felt our lives were harder since we lived that life "clean and sober". We didn't have drugs and booze to numb the pain. She felt that sometimes we got sicker than the addict. This is not an easy thing. In some cases we have watched a kind, loving person turn into someone we don't know because of their drug/alcohol use. And it's not easy to watch someone we love destroy themselves. I no longer see falling in love with a "recovered" addict as a character flaw. I fell in love with a wonderful man who destroyed himself. Now, do I love myself enough to walk away and save myself. And in some ways save him. I just wish more people felt they could vent here and not be downgraded or hear program "jargon".

You all have many words of wisdom- which I so appreciate- It IS so very difficult -- I am so not programmed as a mother to walk away from her drowning child-- I feel like he has fallen in quick sand and I need to throw him a rope as he will never be able to pull himself out & will be dead w/o some intervention- (there have already been a few) it just needs to be a LONG mandatory program- til he can see clearly again (hopefully) He already hates himself and his life and says would rather be dead- It seems if abandoned--- he would be dead as he obviously has no regard for his life-?? Ahh the guilt of the parent----- I do feel somewhat responsible- I'm the one that took him to the doctor --at 20 yr old that prescribed the oxy- (unknowing the magnitude)-- for his back injury-- That has gone way wrong---

I don't see this as your fault. How many millions of people take pain medicines every day without getting addicted? And in fact, the new theory in hospital is to NOT tough it out. Take the pain medicine and stop the pain. You could have never known that your son would be one of those who would become addicted.