Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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/ Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

what don't i see that others see or vice versa

yellowly
yellowly
I was told by the sister of my recovering addict (RA) ex.. that one of the persons on the fellowship of my RA is so amazed and inspired by my RA and how he handles his recovery even at early recovery (1.5 yrs)... and this was the same time that my RA drove me away..set me aside.. well til today that is the case...he has not talked to me. there was a time we saw each other and he did not even try to talk to me. no effort. no hi's or hellos. which i cannot comprehend or accept.. that how can he be doing well with these kinds of attitude?? how can he be doing well when i feel that he is hiding so much from me. He rejected me for reasons he told me he cannot handle a relationship now. I was very hurt because that even is so selfish. I know recovery is selfish.. but how can you say it is recovery when you only care about yourself and has no love to give? I mean even basic respect and recognition, he won't give it to me. it does not make sense at all.

I never rejected him. i never judged him.. though there were times that i really got frustrated at him because I could not get what was going on. I never said STOP or its the END. he decided to end it. Even if I was struggling I fought... and tried to understand him.. because I know that as long as 2 people TALK and try to understand each other, it can work. but a relationship should always be 2 way. He is hard to understand and his ways...

Makes me second guess myself.. what did i do? Do I need to be more compassionate and understanding? But if someone decides to push you away or set you aside, me as partner I have limits too. I cannot not get hurt. No matter how practice being a Christian, I should set my limits and that's part of loving myself.

But when I miss him, that's when I second guess my decisions.
8legs
8legs
Have you read anything from al-anon. If no then please do. Learn the 12step program. It helps you to understand how recovery works for an addict. Most addicts must change everything about their past life. There are just to many triggers. They can not live the life they had before their addiction nor while in their addiction. You must understand this is not about you when it comes to his recovery he must save himself. Relationships are hard enough for healthy people. Addiction is an illness and must be fought daily for the rest of an addict's life. Only when they feel they are able to have an relationship should that happen. It does matter how much they may love someone. I will pray for you to find peace
missmaple
missmaple
8legs puts it well. The person you were with was his addict self. You may have never even MET his true self. HE may not know who that is, either! He will need to change completely in the ways he forms relationships when his primary relationship is not with alcohol anymore. It is possible you will meet again years from now and get along. But you will be two different people, then. Addiction is TERRIBLE! It hurts so many people and I am so sorry you are one of them! But move on. Love again. Get in touch with 12 step.
blessuall
blessuall
This is a great post and understand completely yellowly.
I can not believe how addicts can reach early stage recovery & then think it is ok to 100% disconnect from their triggers leaving those who loved them in a state of beyond disbelief!!!
why aren't addicts told they must deal with any/all triggers instead of running from them.
just another escape route ---again!
how is it possible that the addict is not grateful for those who have supported him in every way and focus on that extremely positive thing in their early recovery??
yellowly
yellowly
exactly blessusall... sad
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
I worked for a church, and was called in the middle of the night to go stay at a family's house to be with their children while the parents took his father to be committed.
No problem, except afterwards, they quit the church and never spoke to me again because they were embarrassed. They even stopped hiring my daughter to babysit.
I learned to let it go. It is all about them, and all I can do is look clearly at my role and not take it into my heart. Any mistakes we make in any relationship can be forgiven, if they want to. If not? that is their burden to carry.
His journey, and you are on a separate path now.
yellowly
yellowly
hi blueviolet. i can totally relate with your story.. except that it seems im turning to be someone like my addict... what that family did to you in your story, was what i did to my sponsor. which til today i still feel guilty about. i just suddenly dropped my support group mtgs. I felt embarassed too. I was ashamed to reveal so much about myself. i felt like i was surrounded by people who were observing me all the time. It was too much an emotional labor for me. i was not comfortable. today, i still could not accept that i deserve to be treated the way the addict treated me... and moreso, being pushed to think that something is wrong with me. i know at the end of this all, all these issues are only mine. But i feel like i have nothing to gain. i can't accept that I need to forgive the addict and that i also have to admit my faults. he rejected me.. i wanted to help him and loved him with all my heart. yet he chose to be alone. the support group tells me to try one last time...i do miss him, but i feel like initiating the first move will put all my efforts to waste and that the point will be missed. however, i suffer still waiting and hoping for him to reach out. Why does it have to be me again!?
blessuall
blessuall
Hi yellowly
I hope you don't waste too much of your life waiting for something that may never come. If your situation is like mine then you have no idea how sick he really is. Your mind can't grasp it. Hope the following helps you to understand a little more....
A small amount of codependency is normal, explains Tracy Prout, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at the College of Mount Saint Vincent in Riverdale, New York, and a therapist in private practice in Manhattan. Sacrificing your own needs in moderation, or temporarily, can be good for a relationship. Its when you are totally out of touch with your own needs and feel that your partner "completes" you that your behavior can imply something unsettling: that you're not OK on your own. Read on to learn what you need to know about codependent relationships, how to figure out if you need help and where to find it.