Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi All! I know I haven't been on much, I stop by and read up, I don't post as much as I did last year. It has been a whirl wind for sure.
This time last year, I had just found this site. I logged on broken hearted and at the end of my rope. I had just thrown our son out of the house after finding out he flunked out of his 1st semester of college, after a long 1 1/2 of his drug use since he got out of the Navy and he came clean about it all, did a 4 month stint in the 'big house' and moved back home, got into college and then slipped back up, I was hurt angry and tossed him out into the cold. It's strange to think it was a year ago last week. I hold my breath still every day.
Today, I'm starting a 10 day vacation. I never took my vacation time last year, so kinda forced, but needed for sure.
I have to say, looking back, I don't know where I found the strength to get through it all, but I know it's thanks to all of you for seeing me through those tough times. The begging texts and phone calls, and Cardinal there to guide me through it....kicking my butt to not cave....LOL...I saw you yesterday on my hill out back and every time I giggle to myself how someone I've never met, helped bring me through a dark time, a time where I didn't know if I myself would make it through. I don't think I came totally clean as I was, at that time, pretty much thinking that I didn't want to live anymore. How crazy is THAT! Because of someone else's digressions I wanted to end my own life? I have a great job, a great hubby, a great life, but I was so weak and hurt and scared...BUT with the outreach here, I got help, I got strong, I got present to the fact it was NOT ME! I think THAT is the hard part for all of us. No matter how the ending goes, the worry will ALWAYS be there. BUT I hear Cardinals wisdom in my head (it's like those sayings your parents use to use and even now you still hear the voice in your head...LOL) Say what you mean and mean what you say!
It was a hard year, noone at work knew what was going on, luckily I had to take a furlough of a month, which is when it all broke open, and by the time I got back to work, I was dealing with it properly. I got two promotions through the year.
Fast forward to now.....he has a GREAT job, the company he worked for during the summer, brought him back, put him in a position he is educated in and he wakes up by himself every morning, gets his butt in the shower, gets his coffee, lunch and out the door.....he visits his gf every day, she is a good light for him, and sometimes she will stay here for a night on the weekends, and sometimes he stays there....he doesn't hang with the 'old crew' anymore. Matter of fact, it seems he is VERY picky about who he hangs with. He said it is important who he surrounds himself with. He doesn't drink AT all anymore. He is VERY easy to talk with, no outbursts...he does have dreams still that keep him awake, but he reads himself to sleep.
Now he is looking to trade in his 900 car, which was THE best thing he ever bought, truly gets him around, to a more efficient car...he is planning...which he NEVER did before....his room is kept better than it use to be.
His birthday is next weekend. He will be 23. I didn't think he would make it, and he has said he honestly didn't think he would either.
He did meet up with his birthfather, my ex idiot, and his mother last year around this time out of desperation and they did NOTHING to help him. And we for once spent Christmas day at home together, just the three of us. And the ex monster in law was FBing me through him and it was getting pretty bad. He came up to me and said, I'm just going to ignore her Mom, what she doesn't realize is they already have shown their true colors, YOU guys where there when I needed you...YOU guys helped me out, it was a BLESSING you tossed me out of here, I would NEVER have realized what I had and what I was throwing away and for something that was killing me.....I got this Mom, don't you worry." He posted back to her that he was not happy with her immature behavior and that he would NOT be allowing ANYONE to post anything negative about the people that TRULY love him, then he defriended her. She even tried to post through her sons page, we were actually laughing at them as they were trying SO hard to ruin our day, but it only brought us closer, as the three of us sat there, on our computers watching this unfold and he had tears in his eyes and said to both myself and hubby 'you two are the ones that love me, care for me and put up with my bullshit, YOU TWO are the ones that saved me from myself....I love you both.'.....THAT was THE best Christmas Present EVER!
It was an eye opener....then for new years eve, he and the gf, went to dinner and came back here about 10pm for the night....it was just nice.
I know he isn't perfect, I KNOW he will fight this for a long time to come....I know it's a battle. What I do get is how he is now growing up. That he is PLANNING his life, that he is looking forward to a new car, his own place, and getting his life going.
He makes great money..he has paid off ALL his back debt...he has his car, he keeps it up, he knows what he needs to get done and he is doing it...he's not blowing it on crap like he use to....and faithfully, every friday, he pays rent to the hubby and the money he owes me...without even having to ASK for it...YIKES! lol
The hard part is , even hubby said this, is to not be suspicious all the time...I have found the hubby tossing his room still quite often, which is not a bad thing, but, he too realizes there has to come a time, when it stops, but I doubt that will, trust is VERY hard to earn back isn't it? And even our son said that he is so sad that he knows we don't truly trust him again yet and it will take a long time, but he WILL earn it back one day. Probably after he moves out? LOL...
I'm just thankful for each day. I'm just thankful to all of you who saw me through all of this....
Keep the faith! Everyday.....it's not OUR decisions that get's them into this, it is their own. BUT it is our guidance that helps, even though it is hard, even though it seems like hell, which it is....I truly believe in prayer...everyday, every waking minute....
I know that there is still that chance, that phone call, that time, it is still a reality, but for now, I will love my son, I will be strong for the addict and I will always be vigilant.
And the one thing I have seen is how scared he is of being homeless again. And how much he values our love and caring of him. And how he truly wants to start his own life, clean, sober and happy.
I pray for all of you....strength, love, understanding and patience, I pray for it every day for anyone struggling with addiction of ANY type.
Happy New Year to you all and I hope 2013 will be a good year for all!
K
This time last year, I had just found this site. I logged on broken hearted and at the end of my rope. I had just thrown our son out of the house after finding out he flunked out of his 1st semester of college, after a long 1 1/2 of his drug use since he got out of the Navy and he came clean about it all, did a 4 month stint in the 'big house' and moved back home, got into college and then slipped back up, I was hurt angry and tossed him out into the cold. It's strange to think it was a year ago last week. I hold my breath still every day.
Today, I'm starting a 10 day vacation. I never took my vacation time last year, so kinda forced, but needed for sure.
I have to say, looking back, I don't know where I found the strength to get through it all, but I know it's thanks to all of you for seeing me through those tough times. The begging texts and phone calls, and Cardinal there to guide me through it....kicking my butt to not cave....LOL...I saw you yesterday on my hill out back and every time I giggle to myself how someone I've never met, helped bring me through a dark time, a time where I didn't know if I myself would make it through. I don't think I came totally clean as I was, at that time, pretty much thinking that I didn't want to live anymore. How crazy is THAT! Because of someone else's digressions I wanted to end my own life? I have a great job, a great hubby, a great life, but I was so weak and hurt and scared...BUT with the outreach here, I got help, I got strong, I got present to the fact it was NOT ME! I think THAT is the hard part for all of us. No matter how the ending goes, the worry will ALWAYS be there. BUT I hear Cardinals wisdom in my head (it's like those sayings your parents use to use and even now you still hear the voice in your head...LOL) Say what you mean and mean what you say!
It was a hard year, noone at work knew what was going on, luckily I had to take a furlough of a month, which is when it all broke open, and by the time I got back to work, I was dealing with it properly. I got two promotions through the year.
Fast forward to now.....he has a GREAT job, the company he worked for during the summer, brought him back, put him in a position he is educated in and he wakes up by himself every morning, gets his butt in the shower, gets his coffee, lunch and out the door.....he visits his gf every day, she is a good light for him, and sometimes she will stay here for a night on the weekends, and sometimes he stays there....he doesn't hang with the 'old crew' anymore. Matter of fact, it seems he is VERY picky about who he hangs with. He said it is important who he surrounds himself with. He doesn't drink AT all anymore. He is VERY easy to talk with, no outbursts...he does have dreams still that keep him awake, but he reads himself to sleep.
Now he is looking to trade in his 900 car, which was THE best thing he ever bought, truly gets him around, to a more efficient car...he is planning...which he NEVER did before....his room is kept better than it use to be.
His birthday is next weekend. He will be 23. I didn't think he would make it, and he has said he honestly didn't think he would either.
He did meet up with his birthfather, my ex idiot, and his mother last year around this time out of desperation and they did NOTHING to help him. And we for once spent Christmas day at home together, just the three of us. And the ex monster in law was FBing me through him and it was getting pretty bad. He came up to me and said, I'm just going to ignore her Mom, what she doesn't realize is they already have shown their true colors, YOU guys where there when I needed you...YOU guys helped me out, it was a BLESSING you tossed me out of here, I would NEVER have realized what I had and what I was throwing away and for something that was killing me.....I got this Mom, don't you worry." He posted back to her that he was not happy with her immature behavior and that he would NOT be allowing ANYONE to post anything negative about the people that TRULY love him, then he defriended her. She even tried to post through her sons page, we were actually laughing at them as they were trying SO hard to ruin our day, but it only brought us closer, as the three of us sat there, on our computers watching this unfold and he had tears in his eyes and said to both myself and hubby 'you two are the ones that love me, care for me and put up with my bullshit, YOU TWO are the ones that saved me from myself....I love you both.'.....THAT was THE best Christmas Present EVER!
It was an eye opener....then for new years eve, he and the gf, went to dinner and came back here about 10pm for the night....it was just nice.
I know he isn't perfect, I KNOW he will fight this for a long time to come....I know it's a battle. What I do get is how he is now growing up. That he is PLANNING his life, that he is looking forward to a new car, his own place, and getting his life going.
He makes great money..he has paid off ALL his back debt...he has his car, he keeps it up, he knows what he needs to get done and he is doing it...he's not blowing it on crap like he use to....and faithfully, every friday, he pays rent to the hubby and the money he owes me...without even having to ASK for it...YIKES! lol
The hard part is , even hubby said this, is to not be suspicious all the time...I have found the hubby tossing his room still quite often, which is not a bad thing, but, he too realizes there has to come a time, when it stops, but I doubt that will, trust is VERY hard to earn back isn't it? And even our son said that he is so sad that he knows we don't truly trust him again yet and it will take a long time, but he WILL earn it back one day. Probably after he moves out? LOL...
I'm just thankful for each day. I'm just thankful to all of you who saw me through all of this....
Keep the faith! Everyday.....it's not OUR decisions that get's them into this, it is their own. BUT it is our guidance that helps, even though it is hard, even though it seems like hell, which it is....I truly believe in prayer...everyday, every waking minute....
I know that there is still that chance, that phone call, that time, it is still a reality, but for now, I will love my son, I will be strong for the addict and I will always be vigilant.
And the one thing I have seen is how scared he is of being homeless again. And how much he values our love and caring of him. And how he truly wants to start his own life, clean, sober and happy.
I pray for all of you....strength, love, understanding and patience, I pray for it every day for anyone struggling with addiction of ANY type.
Happy New Year to you all and I hope 2013 will be a good year for all!
K
The last few days he's been harder to get along with. Yes, he's been sick with a cold, but he's also been getting emotionally restless. I know he's not using because he's on Vivitrol and sees no one (he's lost all his friends, and he was a very social kid) . I had a short talk with him yesterday and he admitted that he just doesn't know what to do with his life, where to turn. With an extensive criminal record, he doesn't know who'll hire him.
He's beginning to get down and I can't do anything for him except give him encouragement, which sometimes rings hollow in the face of his reality. He's never been a good life planner, never been very good at thinking ahead and preparing for "later." I know I have to let him figure things out for himself, but being a passive observer is painful. Also, his sister (2 years younger, in grad school), goes back to school tomorrow. She's been his buddy this past month while she was on semester break so I'll know he'll miss her being around
I'm so grateful he's clean at the moment., but I'm scared for him and very, very sad right now. I just hope he doesn't let the roadblocks he's thrown in his path lead him back to drugs and criminality.
All the best to you and your family. I so hope your son stays clean, sober and happy. I know what you all have gone through and it warms my heart to hear that after the storm, you guys get to have some sunshine your way.
The bad times make us appreciate the good.
So glad he turned things around...and that you survived.
have a lovely vacation. Onwards and upwards. Blessings to all.
One day at a time brings you closer to trusting your son,,, but look at it,, how much further you are,,
Thanks for sharing!!
Katrinka: I hear that,I did try to talk to him (he is very stubborn), as I was becoming obsessive to the point of driving myself INSANE with it all and we have to learn to 'cut it loose' at some point, be vigilant but not obsessive hopefully he will get it. Hubby has trust issues to begin with and is a total realist but still hold some anger toward our son. He refuses to do any therapy, sadly. I swear he was really born in the '30's....
Dee, Blue, Kim and Donna: Just always keep your head up....and it's sooo true what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....
Cardinal: What can I say...except thank you Thank you thank YOU!
Life isn't perfect, we aren't perfect. We stumble, we fall and sometimes we repeat over and over. Sometimes we make it out alive and in tact, sometimes bits and pieces of us fall behind never to catch up again. But in the end, it is all about how we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move forward. But in the interim, it is the helping hands that reach out, that help guide us. There ARE angels among us and they don't just come to us, sometimes we have to go out and find them. I found them here, in all of you. Thanks for being strong for others even though you think you don't have the strength in your own life, thanks for picking each other up....Thanks for being there! I hope this trend continues for my son. There aren't any promises, there isn't any guarantee, but I will take each day as it comes.
I do pray for all of you, that hope stays alive, that some how, some way, addiction will be a thing of the past and the future will look bright.
Keep your faith!
The amount of strength we all gain from this site is immeasurable...
Each one of us learns something from the other and we just pass this faith and knowledge along and its so wonderful..
Congrats to you I am so happy things are better...
Hugs
Marg