Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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topazmoon1968 09/25/2011

Even though my husband has basically stopped drinking on his own, he never admitted he was an alcoholic and never went into a program. He never told me why he stopped, but I think it is because of a health scare he had. He does still drink once in a while, but he used to drink at least a pint of vodka every day.

The verbal abuse has not stopped. Just today, he kept telling me how fat I am and how much I "don't" do. Meanwhile, I basically take care of everything in the house, including our only son. I have a Master's degree but cannot find a full time job. This is his biggest complaint. He is a slob and never picks up after himself, so I am basically cleaning up after him and the entire house.

I try to fight back and defend myself, but I am getting really tired of doing this. He can be very nice when he is on his xanax and calm. But the last few days he has been horrible. He stopped smoking pot also because he is starting back at his job next month and will have to take a drug test. I know that is part of the reason, but not sure if that is all of it. He said his blood pressure is really high even though he takes medicine.

Whatever the reason, it is really taking a toll on me and my mental health. I want to be able to leave or tell him to leave, but I know he won't. My son has his own issues, and stability is super important right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I just needed to vent. I know people will tell me to just leave or kick him out, but it is much easier said than done. I am basically in a really bad place right now and I need to do something for myself. Just not sure where to start.

katrinka 09/25/2011

I was married to a abusive man. The verbal abuse is just as bad as the physical. Men who grew up with a father that was verbally or physically abusive to their spouse will do the same. So your son is watching and will repeat his dad's behavior. People say, no he won't he saw how his father was. But that is not how it is, so many son's say they would never treat their wife like their dad did, but they do.
For your husband this makes him feel better. My counselor had me read this book, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Men like this seldom change, majority don't. It was hard to leave my first husband, so many years of put downs, It took all I could but after 17 yrs of marriage I did. Best thing I ever did. He went on to repeat this behavior with his next two wives. It is known men who drink are abusive.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1316979849&sr=1-1
I know how much anxiety you are going through, consider getting some counseling.

deleted_user 09/25/2011

I'm so sorry that he's being a jerk!!! I know how that feels, my ex would start using and then quit. He was MOODY when he was off his drugs and mean. I agree with Katrinka - abuse is a cycle. But yeah, they get crabby without their drugs- if you choose to stick around I'd suggest finding some activity that you can do AWAY from him, maybe with your son too where you can meet positive people for you and your son to hangout with. I know this sounds super dumb but having a normal not addict's point of view keeps you in check. And wow, A MASTER's degree!!!! You rock! As for the cleaning stuff - good luck - I would just throw my exes dirty dishes and clothes in a big pile but ummm..that doesn't really help their moods hehe!

laurap1980 09/26/2011

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 8 years (not and addict, just a jerk! although I was just as co-dependent then as I am now). I agree 100% with Katrinka about your son. He is learning that it is ok to treat a person like that. I eventually did leave, but I let my daughter continue her relationship with him because he had always treated her well and I too was worried about stability in her life. Eventually, I realized that she needed to know it was NOT ok to be treated like that (he continued to be very abusive toward me, and in front of her even though our relationship had ended), so I told her exactly why should would no longer be seeing him. I told her I understood it would be hard and that she would miss him, etc etc. Even if you are not ready to leave, you should at least talk to your son and let him know that this is NOT ok. When your hubby says these things to you, walk away...don't react...that just makes him feel more powerful. My hubby/addict is moody too, but he NEVER belittle's me. (sure, he's crabby, he does yell some times, he isolates, he even tells me I am pissing him off... etc...but NEVER abuses me verbally (or physically) in any way.....so please don't think this is just part of the process).

yaskwhy 09/26/2011

Look at your son that's all I can tell you.

I was recommended that book when I went to DV program. Katrinka, I don't even know what to say about the book. I cried reading it. A lot! I read it about two more times and then I had to get rid of the book. I did not want to think about that anymore, but finally I understood.

My oldest son starting using when he was 14. He is angry, scares me more, has no coping skills and depression.

deleted_user 09/27/2011

You will know when it is the right time to leave. I'm leaving my abusive relationship, but I stuck it out waaaaayyyyyy past the length of time anyone thought they would stay. The truth is, you don't know what you will do until you are in the situation.

Find something that makes you feel good about yourself. Take a dance class or do volunteer work. Do not underestimate the power of exercise to make you feel good. The more good you do for yourself, the more strength it will give you to do the best thing for you and your son.

topazmoon1968 09/27/2011

Thanks so much for all the great advice and encouragement. I have started to do some things for myself and I am hoping I can stick to them so I can be a stronger person. Last night, he started to say some things and then told me he was not trying to start. I did not say a word and he kept saying "what?" like he was waiting for me to fight back. I told him I was not playing that game anymore and he stopped. I was so proud of myself. Not to say that will always work with him, but I am trying to control my emotions more so he can see that it is not getting to me. I will definitely be talking to my son about his behavior. I have told him before that it is NOT okay to treat people this way. Thanks again - I am so glad I came here.

katrinka 09/27/2011

Good for you and not playing into his game!

deleted_user 09/27/2011

topazmoon,
It will work only a few times at best until he finds a new way to trigger a reaction. Mine did the same thing. I moved into my STBEXBF's house when I lost my job and stayed almost two years. But I paid for his utilities, his iPhone and made untold improvements to his property. I finally got a shitty job last December and was just getting myself out of the debt hole I was in. What did it for me is when he called me an ungrateful, freeloading c@nt. So I went out and got my own place within a week. I am once again financially strapped, but free of this ass. Having my own place changed everything, the whole dynamic and put me in the power seat. Like I said, you will know when it's time. Stay strong until then.

jms7229 09/27/2011

my experience was the same as casseopia's i refused to respond to the verbal abuse and told him so. then he upped the ante by adding what he thought was scary anger to the mix. i didn't act afraid and removed myself form the general vicinity( usually for several hours). my attitude communicated that that kind of disrespect was not acceptable and i would walk further and further away with each event. he got the message.

deleted_user 09/27/2011

Yes, you have to keep upping the ante on both sides. My BF's fallback was always, "I'll throw your shit out and change the locks and then let's see how you do." That threat always put me into a tailspin until the day I got the keys for my new place. He relied on that threat for so long, that now he has nothing. He has no way to cope with me actually taking the threat seriously and doing something about it. Getting my own place shut it down with a finality that he can no longer ignore or write off as 'hormones.' All he does now is lay in his bed and suck his thumb and moans poor me, poor me. I don't even have it in me to feel sorry for his ass anymore. You will get there, I know it. we are all rooting for you and we are here as a place to go to vent. We've been (or are) where you are and we understand. Stay strong honey.

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