Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
So our son has been in rehab since January, his GF is pregnant and due in Oct. She is on the Methadone treatment.
He is loving his job he's had since March. He bought a crap box to get him to and from, his credit is a disaster, he can't get an apt because of it, but has his VA benefits trying to help him. He's got an apt just for himself at the VA rehab that he pays for monthly. She is at home with her family, which wasn't always a good thing for her, but they are pulling it together wonderfully per our son. No, we haven't even met her yet. SMH....
So I finally had the chance to tell my in-laws this weekend about the baby, etc. They 'knew' about the issues, but had been selling their home after almost 50 years and alot of stress and now that is done, it was time to tell them. It was a little worrysome for them for sure, but in talking during their stay, my MIL made a comment that 'well, he's had issues since his early teens', which I had to stomp on and let her know these issues didn't start until an operation he went through that they gave him pain meds for and after that, it started to spiral from there. She was totally unaware. smh....
It's amazing to find out her 'thoughts' were that he had problems before her 'son' came along. No he did NOT. He was a well rounded child prior. He was a 'typical' teen.
She made the comment that 'he didn't graduate high school and only had a GED'...NO, he went to night school, he tested out and GOT his diploma, he didn't 'walk' the stage because he was in boot camp. SMH....
Sometimes it makes me wonder why I tell anyone anything, because they certainly still have the 'stigma' of the old thoughts.
I finally had to burst and tell her that 'you'd be surprised at HOW many people around you that have this same issue going on but don't talk about it because of the old myths that people still seem to have'....it made her think for sure.
But it is all out in the open.
I feel badly for my kid, he can't seem to get a 'break' but at the same time, he says 'well, I did this to myself, I'll fix it myself'....
He DID ask me yesterday if he thought that hubby would be good with co-signing a car loan. Which I nipped in the butt real quick. I just bought a new car, first one since 1998. We have another car loan, we have a mtg, we are both working full time to get ahead and pay off our OWN debt and with the stock market issue, losing our retirement as we speak. He seemed to 'understand' but thought he'd ask anyhow.
Although I'd LOVE to be able to co-sign for him and I know I could handle doing it, what if something happened? I am NOT willing to risk my own financial well being as I worked for 4 years to pay off credit card debt (our prior home was a HUGE mtg ick)...and FINALLY got it done that I can't see at our age, putting ourselves in jeopardy.
I feel selfish at the same time. Here he is, baby on the way, doing the right thing and I can't seem to lend a hand up.
Am I being selfish? Or am I continuing with the line I've drawn in stopping the enabling and having him be responsible for the damage he's done to himself?
He is loving his job he's had since March. He bought a crap box to get him to and from, his credit is a disaster, he can't get an apt because of it, but has his VA benefits trying to help him. He's got an apt just for himself at the VA rehab that he pays for monthly. She is at home with her family, which wasn't always a good thing for her, but they are pulling it together wonderfully per our son. No, we haven't even met her yet. SMH....
So I finally had the chance to tell my in-laws this weekend about the baby, etc. They 'knew' about the issues, but had been selling their home after almost 50 years and alot of stress and now that is done, it was time to tell them. It was a little worrysome for them for sure, but in talking during their stay, my MIL made a comment that 'well, he's had issues since his early teens', which I had to stomp on and let her know these issues didn't start until an operation he went through that they gave him pain meds for and after that, it started to spiral from there. She was totally unaware. smh....
It's amazing to find out her 'thoughts' were that he had problems before her 'son' came along. No he did NOT. He was a well rounded child prior. He was a 'typical' teen.
She made the comment that 'he didn't graduate high school and only had a GED'...NO, he went to night school, he tested out and GOT his diploma, he didn't 'walk' the stage because he was in boot camp. SMH....
Sometimes it makes me wonder why I tell anyone anything, because they certainly still have the 'stigma' of the old thoughts.
I finally had to burst and tell her that 'you'd be surprised at HOW many people around you that have this same issue going on but don't talk about it because of the old myths that people still seem to have'....it made her think for sure.
But it is all out in the open.
I feel badly for my kid, he can't seem to get a 'break' but at the same time, he says 'well, I did this to myself, I'll fix it myself'....
He DID ask me yesterday if he thought that hubby would be good with co-signing a car loan. Which I nipped in the butt real quick. I just bought a new car, first one since 1998. We have another car loan, we have a mtg, we are both working full time to get ahead and pay off our OWN debt and with the stock market issue, losing our retirement as we speak. He seemed to 'understand' but thought he'd ask anyhow.
Although I'd LOVE to be able to co-sign for him and I know I could handle doing it, what if something happened? I am NOT willing to risk my own financial well being as I worked for 4 years to pay off credit card debt (our prior home was a HUGE mtg ick)...and FINALLY got it done that I can't see at our age, putting ourselves in jeopardy.
I feel selfish at the same time. Here he is, baby on the way, doing the right thing and I can't seem to lend a hand up.
Am I being selfish? Or am I continuing with the line I've drawn in stopping the enabling and having him be responsible for the damage he's done to himself?
My son lost his license. He did it. Not me. When he comes home and needs to get to a meeting I will be happy to give him a ride there. Anything else and he needs to figure it out. I didn't make him use drugs. I'm surely not going to sign anything and put myself at my age (55) in a situation where I may have to carry that debt.
He's going to be a Dad. Take it from me (read my post he flew under the radar). I did it all for my son. So much.
If we want them to become men and stand up on their own two feet then they need us to stop
Because she was doing a 40 hour a week internship (for free) and only working part time, the bank she was dealing with (getting ripped off by) pulled her funding without a cosigner...I had NO intention...but anyway, we did. She is not our addict. She is a type A personality and a workaholic devoted to her clients. (an Occupational Therapist who specializes in equipment for multiply handicapped adults)....ANYWAY...I don't think about it often, but it is still a HUGE burden for us. It, besides the house, is our only indebtedness. She pays over 700 bucks a month...I don't want to be on the hook for that in our retirement. In fact, I had her put us as her beneficiaries on her life insurance, as disgusting as that sounds because I read about a family who are still paying for their now deceased child's college loans!
It would be lovely to be able to pay for my son's wedding, give my daughter a new car (hers has 200k miles) but we can't
So we can't
we can not.
And maybe someday they will have to make the same choice.
And maybe that is the way it is supposed to be.
He is doing well. He will figure it out.
I pray for them, but they have to figure it out themselves.
He is coming for a visit this long weekend. I am picking him up as his car won't make the 'trek' up here, it's basically a 'local driver' to get him to work and back.
I'll be able to tell how well he is actually doing then. That cynical voice in my head never goes away, sad to say. Only time will tell.
This whole addiction thing sucks for not only the addict, but those that love them seem to have the worst time of it, no matter what. SMH....
It took me a couple of years before I relaxed about his recovery...so that is something I wish I could have worked harder on. Trust takes time to rebuild.
meanwhile. Enjoy, celebrate. and yes, send him home with goodies.
enabling, and gifting can be two different things when they are well.
I think the visit, and goodies are great positive reinforcements for him.
Let us know how it goes!