I'm not sure why you put up with it either. You said "I have basically given up on him getting sober...i allow him to live his own life while i live mine..." but you don't do you? Be honest. How is getting upset with his behaviour when you're 300 miles from home "allowing him to live his own life"? You don't really want to let go of him, so you let his bad choices affect you.

Also, there are lots of people who can help build homes for the underprivileged. You don't see that you are more underprivileged than they are. Better a dry crust in a happy home, or something like that, is in the Bible. I'm sure you know the verse I mean. Going off to help others when you have such major problems in your own home is a common denial/avoidance tactic that us codependents use. By definition, the addiction that you and I have, of compulsive caretaking, means that we have to work harder than others to avoid our own form of "using". Do you get what I am saying??

The number one reason spouses stay with their addict husbands, is because they are afraid the husband will clean up his act, and find happiness which was suppose to ours with someone else.
I know how you feel, because I've been in your shoes before. My ex did the same things. Why I don't know, when asked the addict doesn't know. So now someone is holding his phone hostage until they get paid for whatever drugs they think they are owed. Sadly you know where the drug house is and even when you turn them in nothing is done.
I think its good you did go off with your church group, that shows you are making some progress. For me I never wanted to go off for fear everything would be sold for drugs and I would come home to nothing.
You have to decide how much you can live with, how long you can live with the anxiety that goes with being married to a active addict.

sorry guys...i guess i should have mentioned that those were rhetorical questions...I had just gotten off the phone with my husband and was feeling a bit frustrated and angry...and just needed to vent by writing...

deep down i know the true answers to those questions...for myself...it's just that every time he makes a bad choice, which is more often than not, I get pissed off...and I have to ask myself those questions just to remind my self of the answers...

yeah...i allow him to live his own life...but because I love him...his choices affect me...whether I'm there in the house with him or 300 miles away...sure there are others who can build houses for the underprivileged...but they don't ...because they think their problems are much bigger than the underprivilged...when in reality they are not...my problems with my husband or actually my husbands addiction is far less important than the 16 year old girl with a 12 day old son who we are building this house for...her own mother was deported a week before the baby was born...her father broke his back at work and then was hit by a forklift...and after the baby was born, the baby's father became abusive and she had to go live with her dad in a trailer with cardboard for windows...they can't have running water because it leaks all over the place...they cook amongst fly's and rat/roach droppings...so who do i choose to help...the 16 year old girl who is trying to be a mom to this precious little baby or my addict husband who chooses to live this life of addiction?...with the exception of my marital relationship, I am ecstatic in every other area of my life...so I choose to help the underpriviledged...because at least i can make a difference in their life and they will appreciate it...I choose not to allow myself to get caught up in my husbands addiction...i did for the first few years of our marriage...i walked around on eggshells...didn't want to say or do anything that would upset him or make him want to go use...until i realized that if he felt the need to use...he was going to use...and there was nothing I could do to stop it...so I stopped letting him control my life and started doing my own thing...i started putting myself and God first...before my husband...if he uses, he uses...if he doesn't he doesnt...either way he still isn't himself...so i'll just sit around and do my own thing until he gets it...he is not a stupid person...he will realize this one day...when? I don't know...but I am very patient...i just have to remind myself every now and then that I am in love with a addict...I usually don't like him very much...but I do love him to death...literally till death (or he, not me) do us part...

yeah i know you all will probably say i'm only fooling myself...but hey, i've seen it happen before...and i have faith that it will happen again...i can't do it...he can't do it...but God can...and thats what I'm putting my trust in

yes i do love my husband...i dream of the day that it will be the way it was in the beginning...but until that day...i just sit here and pray and vent...sorry.

Interesting that you say you are ecstatic and yet your username is "depressed" I too suffer from denial, minimization, undying hope and faith. I believe one day my daughter will be a clean contributing member of society and until then I continue to love her...from afar. I can't have her live with me or be in my life everyday (currently not an issue since she's gone AWOL) because as much as we say that what the addict does will not affect us, the truth is it does. No need to apologize for venting- that's what we are here for. Good luck to you.

thanks hushpuppy (i luv the name and the food!)...

wow you guys are tough this week! LOL!...but its good..and thought-provoking...

i was actually thinking of my screen name last night as i wrote that post...but you see, my screen name is a reminder of where i've been and where i don't want to be again...my user name is one thing that is not a direct result of my husbands addiction...that is all mine...here is a link to my journal entry about my user name..http://www.dailystrength.org/people/292559/journal/1153553
anyway...today...if i think about it, i am happy in every area of my life...except that one marital relationship part...and i just leave it alone for now...i'm going to continue to make my self happy despite what he does...ok gotta go...headed back home today...

\see y'all later!

Hi there,

You say you love him. I have just one question for you .... how much do you love yourself?

Denial is a nasty thing. We believe that the other person will change because we want it so badly. We must accept who and what the other person stands for. Acceptance can free us. I really feel for you and can hear your frustration big time. We all have to eventually come to the final question ....when is it enough? When will the situation end and what am I prepared to do, to make changes in my life so that I am not dealing with the ongoing drama for the rest of my life.

You have the power to make any change you want in your life. Any change at all. No matter how hard, there is always support to help you through it.

Taking control isn't about taking control of the other person, it is taking control of ourselves and putting ourselves in positive places with positive people.

Take good care and wish you well,
V

I just read your comments on your screen name and find it interesting that you have choosen a name that relates to the past. I am a life coach and try to keep the client in the NOW. Not the future or the past.

When you think about right now ...what name would you choose for a screen name, if you were to change it. Would you choose something positive instead of negative?

Just a thought.

Sending love and light,
V

To quote just one sentence from your post:

"so who do i choose to help...the 16 year old girl who is trying to be a mom to this precious little baby or my addict husband who chooses to live this life of addiction?.."

Why is it that a stranger and your addict husband are the only two options as targets of your help?

Why not you?

Where is it written that we are not allowed to help ourselves?

Could helping ourselves be God's will?

Can we help others before helping ourselves? Is that really helping them?

When we are convinced that it's our job to help others, is that a problem?

I have to disagree a little with HoldOnToHope. I do NOT think you should give up your mission trips to stay home and baby-sit your husband. You need to do things for yourself. Doing so helps in many different ways.
However, you ARE letting his bad choices affect you. I know it's hard.... so hard.
:-(

Its good you are able to help those less fortunate, plus its best you so things like that because it makes you feel good.
As for your husband, its up to you if you stay or leave. I think you know how addiction works by now and I comment you for being able to live in that anxiety. I did it for years, but I couldn't do it anymore. Its not easy, but it is your choice.
It seems he has times of using and times not so hopefully his times not using are growing longer and his times using are getting shorter. That is how most addicts eventually quit.

I didn't suggest babysitting the husband, just stepping back and reconsidering where the priorities are. Helping others isn't bad, it's just that some of us get addicted to it. Our addiction leads us to put energy into the wrong things. Living with an addict is so hard that we need to conserve our energy for ourselves, just to survive. When you start putting your own wellbeing first, you soon realise that trying to fix other people's problems while not facing your own is an unhealthy path to take. Every time I reclaim a bit more energy for myself I feel the burden lifting from my shoulders.

ok...i don't know if i can answer all these questions but i'll try...let's see...

i love myself very much...i love myself more than i love him...but I love God more than i love myself...i can't help my husband, if he doesn't want to help himself..so i choose to help those that I can help...i stopped worrying about him in 2009 when he stole my truck and traded for drugs (although he denies that vehemently)...i started focusing on myself...i discovered what MY three loves were and that i had stopped taking care of myself to take care of him...and i stopped doing it...i started focusing on me...and that allowed me to reach a point in my life where I am happy with my life and with him without denying the fact that he is and probably alway will be an addict...i don't always like him, because of his addiction but that is something i choose to deal with because i do love him...and i just give it God...i strongly believe that the choice we make dictate the lives we lead...i had the ideal life, but others peoples choices always end up hurting me, because i can't control them, only they can...i can only make the choice for myself...and i choose to not give up on him or us...as for my screen name, i chose it when i was at that point of my life...i was literally a Depressed Recluse...i don't want to be there again, so i keep the name on this site as a reminder...after thinking about what i would choose for a name now, it would be the same as my email address and my alter ego...Darque Starr...I chose it long ago, because I have always been a dark, kind of gothic person...my favorite color is black...i grew up playing in funeral homes and cementarys...I am not an depressed, recluse today, and i don't need my addict husband, I want him because i love him, and I refuse to give up on him just because he is making bad choices....at the same time though, i am not going to give up my happiness for him...i go to school to realize a lifelong dream, I maintain a strong and constant relationship with God before anything, and I always take time to ensure that I am taking care of myself before worrying about him...however...his actions or choices do affect me...by angering me...but i calm down and remind myself why i doit

If you are able to truly thrive in this environment that you choose, good for you. It's very, very rare. Maybe next time you are angry at him and want to vent, you might like to try journalling.

At the end of your post you said "why? why am i going through this...why am i putting up with this...why do I love him so much that I am willing to put up with this? why?"

Clearly you were venting and you didn't actually want our answers to your five questions. I have made a note-to-self to try and remember next time this happens that you will probably just be venting. You might like to help me and others by either letting us know in your post that it's just an angry vent, or better still, keeping this stuff between you and your journal or therapist.