I was wondering what TROSA was. Sounds very serious and successful! No contact for 3 months makes me believe they want all residents to focus solely on recovery. Do they use a 12 step program like NA?

Your son has already put forth the effort necessary to enter this program. That's a good start.

Thanks for sharing...best of luck to your son!

sounds like a really good program! so glad your son is there!

Oh, I hope it helps him. After you get back in contact, you will have to give us a review.
my son was not in contact with us for 28 days in detox, then one call to tell us he was on to the next place. he called us from his counselor's office to ask us to come to the family meetings...that was about 2 months later. It turned out he could have called us anytime, but he was working on himself and needed the focus. I don't think the 3 months is a bad idea. lots of guys left because their families "needed them" in their codependency...and they weren't ready when they left.
Wishing him the very best....and I bet you sleep well now!

My son left the program. He said he was approached repeatedly by gay guys in the dorm to the point he was unable to sleep. He said he went to the authorities and was told they had as much of a right to be there as he did. Nothing was done. He got to the point he felt he would get charged with assault because he was ready to knock someone out if they didn't leave him alone. I don't know if there were underlying issues as well as these but he left. He called me and said they were giving him a bus ticket to get home. An hour later, he called and said the bus wouldn't leave until 8PM and he wouldn't get in until 1AM and could I come get him. In retrospect, I feel that I should have pressed the issue and not gone to get him. I did call the facility and speak with one of the counselors there and told him what my son told me. I also told him sexual harassment was against the law, but of course, due to privacy, he could not confirm or deny that my son was even in the facility. I know he was though because I dialed the number on my caller ID and I reached them. He has done well since coming home, but I am not fooling myself in expecting anything. I have made an appointment to see a therapist for myself. I told him I would be glad to go to NA meetings with him as I need to learn as much as I can. I can only hope and pray.

I also want to add that I have been hesitant to post about him leaving as I felt ashamed. I felt so hopeful when he left to go into the program and now I don't know what to feel. One day at a time. He is actively looking for work, taking care of his appearance and his attitude has gotten better. Maybe he learned a little something while he was there. I didn't want to post because I wasn't ready to deal with it myself.

First and foremost don't feel ashamed, be kind, patient and compassionate with yourself. You had hope, what's wrong with keeping the hope inside a mother's heart alive? Not a thing! Keep that candle burning for him always.

With regards to him leaving however, it sounds as though it may have been an excuse and that's not your fault. Addicts are unfortunately master manipulators when not in recovery. However, there are opportunities here to change some things which you do have power over and that's the enabling. In my opinion picking him up wasn't such a good idea, he should have been told to stay and see it thru. He's got to be taught to manage life on life's terms, we all have to do it. He's got to learn to fight his own battles, all you can do is provide the tools and support but you've got to let HIM do it, just like his NA meetings.

I think it's GREAT you're seeing a therapist (so proud of you!!) would be even better if they have extensive experience in addiction. The therapist will help you and help you come up with treatment plans/strategies after learning more about the family dynamic and your son. Nar-anon meetings would be very helpful for you as well, sometimes we feel lonely/lost and good to have a support system who understand and keep us in check.

Will keep you and your Son in my prayers, stay strong and don't punish yourself. Take good care of yourself so you can be clear and objective when making decisions, because some will indeed be tough!

Here's a suggested read: http://jaggedlittleedges.com/2015/08/i-love-you-to-death-3/

So sorry, Dontstop. Guess we are in the same boat with our adult children who have left recovery programs. Your son's reason sounded much more logical than the reason my daughter left her rehab. At least you have that.

And at least your son isn't using; my daughter is drinking daily.

I hate this hamster wheel.

It's possible that your son is telling through complete truth, partial truth, or complete lie. Many addicts will exaggerate a minor issue to gain sympathy and acceptance for their refusal of treatment.

My friends son complained of horrible snoring at his facility and that his lack of sleep was causing him distress. Therefore he left. My son went to the same facility and confirmed that yes there was snoring. But there was also a separate room for those snorers.

I read a complaint from an addict that attended another facility my son went to. She complained about the food, the size of the place, having to do chores, and she left early. It's a common issue with addicts who are not quite ready to surrender. They think "of this place sucks, I'm sober now and hell, I can do this in my own". That's why it often takes a few tries before they find themselves fully ready to accept the conditions of a given rehab.

TROSA is a tough program. My sister also knew somebody who's son left early. They make your work full time ata trade they are training you for to help pay for your stay there. From what I understand they have very high expectations there.

I can't imagine the average opioid addict fears much given they lives they've led especially advances from other men. My guess is that maybe the was some flirting and he was uncomfortable. Just a guess

Thank you all for your support. I do now realize that I over reacted when he called and in a state of panic I ran out and "rescued" my son. What a sucker! He is 33 and does not need rescuing, he needs help. And yes, the comment that stated he needs to fight his own battles rang loud and clear with me. The comment that he could have been exaggerating the conditions also rang loud and clear. 20 20 hindsight is so clear and it really helps to hear what everyone else has to say about this AND about their own experiences. It really does make us stronger and yes I will never stop, as my name "dontstop" implies, I will never stop having faith and loving my son. But I must stop being weak and that is why I have sought help. My first appointment is Feb 15 and the therapist has many specialties and one of them is addiction, so we will see. I pray that God will give each one of us the strength we need to face each day. I love this place!

Loving your son and following maternal instincts is not weakness.

As parents, friends and family of addicts we are always battling between our instinctive need to help/ save those we love and understanding that not helping in the traditional sense, while seemingly cruel, is whats best.

thank you Pink. These experiences make us grow but they sure are painful to say the least.

driving past the place where my son got sober, I saw a man wheeling his suitcase down the road. I was so sad to see him leave. No one can make them stay.
set your boundaries.
And I hope he really does get support....maybe some meetings?
just take care of yourself. it is all we can do.

I try to encourage him to go to meetings, but to my knowledge he hasn't yet. He went to three meetings a day while he was in the detox center and he really got a lot out of them. I will continue to suggest this. Thanks blue

dontstop, my son was at TROSA and left about the same time your son did. My son left for the same reasons your son did. He told me the same stories your son told you. So grateful he left!! I'm pretty disturbed!!

i am so very confused about this place. there are very few bad reviews on the net about it. people in the Durham area, and in general have mostly good to say about it. i guess part of it, is if you believe in the toughest love approach. besides the 630 am to 11pm cleaning and whatever in the first 30 days, the total isolation for such a long time and then even when the total is over, not very much contact with family...there is the part that really bothers me. and that is the demeaning in the beginning. yelling, belittling, name calling.....it just really really upsets me. i get that its part of the tearing down to rebuild. but on the other hand it is kin to bullying. and for some people i think it can be very destructive. on the other hand maybe even a small dose of this could be enough to help someone turn around?? my son is out after only a week due to mental illness flare up, but being treated and has not ruled out going back once hes stabilized. hes trying to figure it out (go back or go to a different program) while getting his meds and mental clarity back in check. for some reason i keep thinking bout leah remini and that church. :( i just dont know how i feel about it. i dont want to enable, i know they manipulate, i know they need structure. i know its his decision. i know he can leave if he chooses. its just i hate that if he goes back and leaves its gonna be a setback that maybe could have been avoided if he goes to a different program that better suits him. and its a worry with his mental illnesses what could transpire. or it could go well and he could be one of the 30 percent who actually graduate the program. then again, i believe someone said it helped their son even though he didnt do the whole 2 years. im goin in circles here. sorry. its confusing. maybe if they werent so damn secretive about how they run it, and why it would help.