I forgot to ask if there is anything I should do or not do as well, I don't want to bash her by any means, but I plan to be fairly blunt and direct with what my feelings are and what I feel has to change for us to work through this. Thanks in advance for any insight. :)

Hi Mossy - although I don't know exactly what to tell you to expect, I believe you're right on target in planning to be blunt & direct, While both using & recovering addicts are going through hell, we're going through a hell of our own and our lives are important, too. My person is a recovering methadone addict and although "clean", he's still in the very much "all about me" phase with little regard to me or my feelings so I've had to try to "detach" a bit. It's very difficult and I can honestly say my faith & trust in God is the only thing that's helped me.I pray all goes well for you.

When my EX-AH was in one rehab they had a similar support group where you wrote it started with: Your addiction has effected me in these ways..... and ended with I will no longer enable you to keep using drugs I will "blank" if your behavior doesn't change.
There was alittle more but that was the drift of it.
I learned alot, my husband now ex didn't keep and retain from all his rehabs. He let his addict behavior rule his life.
I wish you well. I think you need to start working on yourself. Start journally it will help you get your marriage and thoughts in order. If your wife doen't see how her behavior is a problem and decides she wants to make a change so her family comes first in her life not the drugs then no amount of rehab will help her.
This is one of favorite poems I share evey so offen. It is so true of the active and non-active addict.
What Addicts Do

I am an addict and this is what I do. You can not nor will you not change my behavior. You can not make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are nothing but a tool to me something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth. You see Love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself and since I don't I can not and will not love you or my children.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or for anyone else. It doesn't phase me that I hurt you, lie to you, cheat on you or take all you money.
My behavior can not or will not change until I make a decision to stop using then follow up with a plan of action. Until I make that decision I will hurt you again, again, and again.
Stop being surprised about my behavior and the things I do..... I will always blame you because of where I am in my life.
Stop being surprised~~~ I am a addict and this is what I do.

Author Unknown

For my son's family day, they sent us a letter ahead of time asking us to come with 1. boundries as explained by katrinka and also 4 or 5 examples of "when you did this...it made me feel this..." My daughter's illustrations really hit home to my son- more so than mine or his dads. We had to write a letter and read it to them, knee to knee. And if someone had a member who could not attend, than someone else had to read it for them. I had to read one to a kid that had his grandma calling him (his disease) a monster! ouch!
It is really a time to be clear and hit hard...bring up the worst things with the addict so they can see (now sober) what they did. they think they remember, but they have no idea. As was stated before, it is all about them and their sickness. It was really hard to do that, but it helps them get better. At the place where we went, they said it really increases the sucess rate for the addict.
Also, if you get confused, the councelors are there for your benefit as well...now...not during the time they concentrate on the addict- this is for you and your loved one to get well as a unit and learn how to work together to be accountable and make rules.
I learned some, my husband got a ton out of it, and our son is still sober. Work it for all it is worth. Good luck.

If your wife is serious about recovery...it will be ALL ABOUT HER!!! When my ex went through treatment I was told to work on me, because the first year would have to be all about recovery...for both of us. And if my ex was serious, there would be lots of meetings and I would feel left out. In the 2nd year, we could begin to work on our relationship. Basically, you travel the road of recovery separately and after a time, you hopefully can come back together.

Well that was eventful to say the least, we started out fair, then went down hill :) I am sooooo tired of this emotional roller coaster, I plan to share my feelings about tonight, but right now I am going to drink a couple of beers and collect my thoughts...........details tomorrow. (sigh) god bless

Are you planning on NOT drinking once she comes home? Just a question.

Hi Mossyhorn
I didn't get a chance to comment before your above post, so I'm sorry if the timing isn't right. I think it's great that you are getting a lot of excellent advice here, but I am a bit concerned about the quality or otherwise of the counselling and family support available through your wife's rehab center. I feel they should have provided better information to you from the start, and now.
I encourage you to see an experienced addiction therapist or counsellor on your own as soon as possible, so you can prepare yourself for your wife's discharge.

The fact that you have come home tonight obviously upset and/or confused is not a good sign. Also, the woman who would speak for 30 mins and you didn't get a chance to ask your own questions? That's not right. The professionals are meant to be responsible for managing that sort of thing in a group, it's basic stuff. You should be able to ask questions one on one with a professional. If it can't be someone at this rehab center, then find someone else in your area to help you. There is no shame in that. If your car need major engine work, you'd look around for an experienced, quality mechanic wouldn't you?

I feel that you would do well to prepare yourself for any of the possible outcomes - your wife might decide to enter recovery / she might not / you might stay together / you might not. With all of these, you still need to have therapy for yourself, to heal from the traumas you have been put through and learn ways to cope and parent your kids in the future. Whichever outcome happens, there will be challenges for you - I know you can meet them, but any of us would need professional help to get through this time and succeed in the future.

Lynn,

I used to drink more than your average person through my 20's, I do still keep beer at the house or in my shop the majority of the time. I havea few friends that come over to work on vehicles or tinker with stuff and we may or may not drink a few beers during or after on the week-ends. I am fully aware that this will be a snake to my wife. If I intend to change the combination to my lock on the shop and if I decide to keep any beer it will be in there unavailable to her, but that is something she can go buy if she wants it bad enough. I will respect her by not disregarding her feelings and what she is doing by not drinking in front of her for some time, but her struggle will come in many ways that I can not control, and she will deal with it in ways that I can't control.

For what it's worth, I agree with you. While she needs support & consideration, your life is important, too, We can't pad all the sharp corners for them and while we may stand by them and support them, in the final analysis, the responsibility is theirs. My BF isn't currently using but many times hides behind his "pity pot", fully expecting to get a pass on his behaviors because he's sick. I respect & appreciate that he's sick and, while I don't kick him while he's down, I've had to remind him several times that this is "his baby and he has to rock it"...I've been here and will be for as long as I can but my life, feelings, issues, etc., are as important to me as his are to him. I know it's hard but, in my opinion, you have the right attitude.