Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hello there,
I am new to this group and returning user to DS. I have been gone for awhile. I find that I desperately need help coping with my husbands addiction.
When we first met he had been clean for some time, he went through rehab and did classes. Then he eventually relapsed. It took me a long time to realize what was going on. My money would be missing, my jewelry, my laptop...he pawned a lot of my things and gifts I had given him. He eventually got help again and was forced to after a domestic violence incident between us. He has been clean, but then again I wouldn't know until it gets out of hand.
What I struggle with is the lies. The constant addict behavior where he keeps everything a secret or makes up stories. Even now when it's not even about using he will lie. He's admitted before it's what he knows how to do and sometimes he doesn't even realize he was going to lie until the words came out then he felt like he couldn't back track because he had already lied.
He has a daughter who he has physical custody of and guardianship of her half sister. Yet because of our work hours i'm the one who takes care of them most of the time, even when he's around all the responsibility falls on me. Ive come to resent not only him but the children as well. I don't want to feel this way. I feel like our entire marriage was based on lies because he was using when we got married and I had no idea. I feel trapped because of the kids, they call me mom and most of what's in the house is my stuff or my families so these kids would be left with nothing.
I am new to this group and returning user to DS. I have been gone for awhile. I find that I desperately need help coping with my husbands addiction.
When we first met he had been clean for some time, he went through rehab and did classes. Then he eventually relapsed. It took me a long time to realize what was going on. My money would be missing, my jewelry, my laptop...he pawned a lot of my things and gifts I had given him. He eventually got help again and was forced to after a domestic violence incident between us. He has been clean, but then again I wouldn't know until it gets out of hand.
What I struggle with is the lies. The constant addict behavior where he keeps everything a secret or makes up stories. Even now when it's not even about using he will lie. He's admitted before it's what he knows how to do and sometimes he doesn't even realize he was going to lie until the words came out then he felt like he couldn't back track because he had already lied.
He has a daughter who he has physical custody of and guardianship of her half sister. Yet because of our work hours i'm the one who takes care of them most of the time, even when he's around all the responsibility falls on me. Ive come to resent not only him but the children as well. I don't want to feel this way. I feel like our entire marriage was based on lies because he was using when we got married and I had no idea. I feel trapped because of the kids, they call me mom and most of what's in the house is my stuff or my families so these kids would be left with nothing.
I have a friend who married a man with kids, the mom had left them on his doorstep...then the man left her, and she was raising the kids alone without any help from the biological parents...and in late high school, she married a man (my boss- which is why I know the story) and at the graduation for the oldest? MOM shows up with a new 3 year old in tow....
I guess you have to decide what your job is with the kids...irreguardless of the marriage, and go from there...
as to his lying? once a trust is broken repeatedly, it takes a long, long time to ever build that back again. And if he is a liar- sober or not- he is very insecure, and he should either work on this problem and solve it, or you have to never believe anything he says.
In my mind, if the whole marriage was started on a lie, you either start over, or get out. I know, but what about the kids? and stuff is just stuff....and of course, I have a huge problem with the domestic violence. Maybe he should not have custody of the kids....
I am so sorry you have all this stress and unhappyness.
i guess you might still be better able to handle taking care of the kids WIthout him too to deal with
his lies and behaviour and domestic violence' probably hurts and adds more stress on you in my opinion than the kids alone
if you have to do it all you could presumably do it better alone or with his full co-operation
i'm just lost...