Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Ok so im new to this. sorry this is long i just need to vent. I'm 19 and
going through my first break up. We had been friends for years before
we dated and dated almost two years. I've known him since I was at
least 12 or so. because I've known him for so long, it makes it even
harder. We started dating shortly after our high school grads (we went
to different schools, we met at church) but our shortof-ish dating
started a few months before. a month after we started dating, he left
for basic training in the army reserves. It was hard, but we stayed in
touch really well (he was gone over 3 months) and when he got back,
it was like he never left. A few months after that, january, was our first
hiccup, you could say. He had an appartment in the city and started
using drugs. after a week or so, he came to me, said he was sorry
and that I was more important. he stopped and started putting his life
back together. he got a car, a job, and rented a room from my parents.
Life went on, only better than before. Our reletionship was rock solid.
however, around a month ago, he started using drugs again. He
came back said he needed help, but continued to leave me for days
and use. during this time, I started to burn myself from depression.
one time when he was doing descently (about a week off) he got into
an accident that totaled his car. he RAN to drugs. he is being
processed for seperation from the military, which crushed us both. he
sold his xbox, tv, gps, ect. he lost his job. We went to a addiction
reformers meeting and I continued to help and support him because
he said he truly wanted help and that he still loved me. that all
changed on tuesday. he came into the house after a cigarette, and
told me he was done trying, that he no longer wanted help, and that
he was done hurting me and he hated himself for what he was doing.
He ran out of the house and I followed him around all night while he
got high, begging him to change his mind. he said he wanted to die.
he told me that he couldn't wait to got get his last paycheck from work,
he was going to use it all on drugs and lotto tickets. He said his still
loves me and that I need to let him run until he can't anymore, then he
will change. I'm afraid He will hurt himself before that happens. He left
wednesday morning early, with a promise to return later that day for
his stuff. he never did, but im not superised as thats what drugs do to
you. He did agree to try and stay in touch, just to call or drop by every
few days so I know he is alive. While I'm crushed about our
reletionship, I'm worried more about him as a person. I just don't
know what to do. This hurts so bad. It's hard because just two months
ago, neither one of us would have expected this to happen. But I don't
know what to do for him other than pray. Any support I'd greatly
appreciated during this awful time. I know that I may be better off with
out him, but that doesn't mean I don't want someone to talk to, and I
dont have anyone. Please help me.
going through my first break up. We had been friends for years before
we dated and dated almost two years. I've known him since I was at
least 12 or so. because I've known him for so long, it makes it even
harder. We started dating shortly after our high school grads (we went
to different schools, we met at church) but our shortof-ish dating
started a few months before. a month after we started dating, he left
for basic training in the army reserves. It was hard, but we stayed in
touch really well (he was gone over 3 months) and when he got back,
it was like he never left. A few months after that, january, was our first
hiccup, you could say. He had an appartment in the city and started
using drugs. after a week or so, he came to me, said he was sorry
and that I was more important. he stopped and started putting his life
back together. he got a car, a job, and rented a room from my parents.
Life went on, only better than before. Our reletionship was rock solid.
however, around a month ago, he started using drugs again. He
came back said he needed help, but continued to leave me for days
and use. during this time, I started to burn myself from depression.
one time when he was doing descently (about a week off) he got into
an accident that totaled his car. he RAN to drugs. he is being
processed for seperation from the military, which crushed us both. he
sold his xbox, tv, gps, ect. he lost his job. We went to a addiction
reformers meeting and I continued to help and support him because
he said he truly wanted help and that he still loved me. that all
changed on tuesday. he came into the house after a cigarette, and
told me he was done trying, that he no longer wanted help, and that
he was done hurting me and he hated himself for what he was doing.
He ran out of the house and I followed him around all night while he
got high, begging him to change his mind. he said he wanted to die.
he told me that he couldn't wait to got get his last paycheck from work,
he was going to use it all on drugs and lotto tickets. He said his still
loves me and that I need to let him run until he can't anymore, then he
will change. I'm afraid He will hurt himself before that happens. He left
wednesday morning early, with a promise to return later that day for
his stuff. he never did, but im not superised as thats what drugs do to
you. He did agree to try and stay in touch, just to call or drop by every
few days so I know he is alive. While I'm crushed about our
reletionship, I'm worried more about him as a person. I just don't
know what to do. This hurts so bad. It's hard because just two months
ago, neither one of us would have expected this to happen. But I don't
know what to do for him other than pray. Any support I'd greatly
appreciated during this awful time. I know that I may be better off with
out him, but that doesn't mean I don't want someone to talk to, and I
dont have anyone. Please help me.
You will do him and yousrelf a lot of damage by trying to fix our nurture this. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions, he is manipulating you and keeping you on the sidelines for when he runs out of money, gets int trouble or cries wolf one more time.
I know it will be hard. Trust me. I have been in your shoes with a someone I loved, my parents, my sister. And in the end, you only hurt them more by letting them in everytime they claim fidelity to sobriety
Don't lose hope in them....but don't lose yourself either.
I read a lot of excuses you are making for his running to drugs. He ran to drugs because he choose to, and would of found a reason no matter or even no reason if he choose to. The drug did not find him.
You do need support but I think you have support and needing someone to vent to confused. As as a recovering alcoholic addict and Alanon I know a little of what i speak. And there are a lot of great advice given on this site. Maybe not what you were expecting but then again none of us liked hearing the truth at first.
People will be here for you if you are able to hear. And until then be a little open minded , that maybe your way is not the best way for you or him.
You have mentioned some things that have happened to him, the job, the military, accidents, he hated himself... etc: Now maybe you do not believe this to be the reason but it appeared you thought it may be why he runs to drugs. My point is he will have a reason but the reasons are his choice. And addicts are infamous for manipulating and justifying and pulling loved ones into their reasons for using. So I make amends if I came off that way, online its hard to see a persons real feelings when they post, and its left to interpretation I meant no disrespect, you have enough pain right now.
My brother died of a overdose a few years ago, a year after my sister in law also died from drug abuse. 35 years of history together gone. No more never to talk to them again. His son is very angry, and could not understand why he would not stop for love, the grandkids, all the prayers, support, advice. It has devestated and seperated the entire family. Excuse my spelling I have macular degeneration and have a hard time seeing. Anyway,
it is awful addiction affects everyone around. The addict is off blocking the pain with drugs and the family has no buffer.
Books, suggestions, all of it is good but you should really consider getting into the solution by action. And that I mean get into a support group with others that have been there, so you can learn the tools that will help you make healthy decisions. To many chiefs spoil the soup. All I can do is suggest from years of experience and schooling, as it was my trade for awhile, and I work with a lot of women still today.
Addiction is insidious, it hurts, and I have been to many funerals where the person cannot get another chance. Your just not equiped right now with the tools to get through this. And doing alone does not work, as your vulnerable and I of course would love to hear the good end to this all, but unfortunately he is on a bad course and yes I will pray he gets help, but he is going to have to slide down the pole until he hits the barbwire, and enabling him is just delaying that. And again this is just my opinion.
You are doing the right thing so just be strong. You deserve a real normal relationship and eventually you will find one! It sucks when your heart is broken but I promise it will get better with time.
You are worrying about him and his safety, but you are not a guardian angel so you cannot change whatever path he is on. Let him go... Whatever happens to him is not your business or concern. It will eat you up if you continue to worry about what will happen to him.
You need to distract yourself with hobbies, or other friends, or on this online support group. Take pleasure in reading books, etc. It will get better!
You can't see that if he came back your not ready to cut him lose, it is evident in your first post. And again that is not judging just a observation from the mixed messages you are giving., And all of this is ok, its the way this affects us, and I do doubt if you love him as you say, and he loves you as he says you would not give him a chance if he got help and proved he was.
He is sick and if he had diabetes and got help for himself you would not throw away a sick person. In Alanon they do not break up relationships but help you make boundaries and many times it does work out in the end.
If your sure you are done, then take some advice given and move on. I just don't feel your really sure of anything right now, or capable to make a commitment not to take him back after reading your posts, and again that is just my opinion. Whatever you do does not make you right or wrong, we have to go through processes that is why we have support groups.
I believe that if its meant to most anything is possible. And no one is trying to beat you up, we can see things in peoples words even online that they cannot. Keep coming back and/or get into a support group, I doubt if you were so in love and close this is really over.
Tinker M, I followed him in order to give him one more chance before I cut him lose and kicked him out of my house. He made the decision to leave but I told him don't come back - and he hasn't. you have a point but I am not planning on taking him back as boyfriend, ever. (although I can't see the future) however, I will always care about him and be his friend. However you are right that it is really too soon to say anything for sure, because I feel unsettled in my heart.
Whatever you do, don't let it bitter your heart. I see so much of this even online. I hope that no matter what happens he gets his life together as its to short anyway.
Hugs and have a safe and peaceful holiday.