Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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patnard 01/01/2013

OK my friends this is going to be a long one, I need to vent and I need some advice. I'm going to start from the beginning. 7 years ago my daughter fractured her back and had 2 failed surgeries that left her with nerve damage.She went from doctor to doctor and finally to a pain clinic and was given pain med after pain med, she was on vicodin, percocet and fentanol patches all at once. She cried and complained so much that I really thought she was in all this pain, test after test showed that her spine fused and there was nothing they could do about the nerve damage, she got shots every few weeks but nothing seemed to help. She was 22 when all this began and in a serious relationship. her bf tried to help her but she was addicted and the med's took over, she overdosed and was in ICU for 5 days and the bf had enough and they split up.This went on for the next several years, the bf came back and then left again 2 years ago they got back together and she got pregnant, they got engaged and bought a house she had everything she ever wanted I thought thank god the nightmare is finally over,boy was I wrong. These stupid doctor's still believed she needed the pain med's even while she was pregnant, even the obgyn doctor. I guess you know what happened the baby, my grandson was born addicted and she had everybody fooled even the nurses in the hospital believed she needed this medicine, they told her it wasn't her fault about the baby after all she needed the medicine. He had to stay in the hospital for 3 weeks while they weaned him off the opiates.She swore she was going to change and I believed her, I stayed at her house when the baby came home and helped her detox off the fentanol it took 5 long day but she did it I was so proud,nothing changed because she just used more of the other drugs. I stayed with her and the bf off and on to help with the baby because she was al ays in pain and I believed her ( HOW STUPID WAS I ). When she ran out of her drugs she would pretend her legs gave out and she fell and I would run over and call the ambulance, they would admit her to the hospital but couldn't find anything wrong, she did this 3 times and then the bf said he had enough it was the pills or him. She chose the pills and lost everything, her and the baby moved in with me and I got to see just how bad she really was. This was last January, since then she has hocked everything for drugs, she looked terrible the only reason she had the baby was because I took care of him. That changed too, in August I went away for the weekend, I wan't even gone 24 hours when she got in a car accident with the baby, high as a kite and his father filed for emergency custody and took him (thank god). She has beenin and out of re-hab's and psych hospital's ever since. She is now on suboxone and hasn't taken the opiates but now she complains so much about her axiety the dr put her on clonapine which she eats like candy. I'm sorry this is so long I'm almot done. I told her the last time she was in re-hab that the only way she can stay with me is if I hold all her medicine (suboxone and clonapine) and if she didn;t like it to find some place else to live, she agreed. She went to court last week and got joint custosy back and is now going to a women's program that is supposed to be helping her but it's not.
My problem now is that she is getting more drugs somewhere else, she's nodding off, talking about stupid stuff that makes no sense and is really sounding crazy. I go through her purse all the time and yesterday I found clonapine, she couldn't have gotten it from me because all of our med;s are locked in a safe at all times. I think someone in her program is giving her the extra clonapine. I confronted her but of course I'm crazy. I can't take this anymore, I know she has to go but what about the baby? I called her councelor and asked for a meeting but I'm sick over this I really think she has mental issues because of all the drugs she's taken, I'm lost I feel like I lost my best friend and I don't know what to do anymore. Is it time to just give up? I really need HELP.
Thanks for reading thid and I'm sorry I rambled.

Pat

deleted_user 01/01/2013

Please do not apologize. How much you have been living through. Welcome to this forum. May you find peace to carry you through.

katrinka 01/01/2013

I would tell father your daughter is back using something so he can get full custody.If you have the money you can try an intervention. It may help, then again it might not. She has to want to stop.

patnard 01/02/2013

katrinka, why do you need money to do an intervention? I have already told her my main priority is my grandson and if she doesn't smarten up I will not hesitate to tell his father. I am watching her like a hawk.

marg6300 01/02/2013

Pat first off never apologize for a long post!! we are on here to help and you have alot to say! MY son was on Suboxone and got 2 DWI's while on them. he stayed off heroin while on suboxone but he took everything else so I do not feel like suboxone works. My son LOVED clonapin and abused it any chance he could. I think you know what has to be done. Your daughter can not take care of her child while she is using and she needs to be in some sort of treatment program (residential) She will continue to act crazy until she gets off the stuff. There are detox centers in every city that are free. Tell her to go to one and take her if you have to but if she refuses you have to get tough and make her leave. She will NEVER get ooff this stuff if you keep helping her live. I KNOW how hard this is but if you want her to survive you have to play hard ball. My son would have busted into any safe I had to get his drugs while he was using and you do not have to put yourself through this. You are a mom not a cop or a drug specialist or even a nurse. Your daughter needs PROFESSIONAL help today. The drugs creates mental illness and without professional help she will just get sicker and sicker. Please know we are all here for you and keep us posted we all just want to help you.
Hugs
Marg

cardinal39 01/02/2013

Pat,,, your not going to like what I'm going to say,,, just remember I care,,,, frist she is never going to stop, she has no reason ,, the threats you have warned her about , just wasted air,,, this is where ( trust me I know it's hard) where setting boundaries and sticking to them is so important to stop this craziness,,, her exsisting world is not threat to her,,, she basically gets her cake and eat it too,,,, even after you told the rules ,, she found other ways to get drugs,,,, well let me tell you if she was standing out in the cold looking for a place to sleep,,, the pain of the addiction has got to be worse then the pleasure of the drug,, for to want to quit,,,,
Of course your grandson is the most important,, then you call his father,, and tell him she is using ,,,, we took legal custody ofmy granddaughter ,, we did that to protect Ava, until her mom, decides to get her life in order ,,, it may or may not ever happen,,, but at least I know my granddaughter is safe, structure living, and secured, so that she can live without false hopes

I'm sorry,,, but until you make changes,,, your daughter will continue to use,,,, give her a reason to quit,,,, your feeding into her addiction,,, the best thing I ever did,,, was stuck to boundaries 19 weeks ago ,,,, my daughter had no choice but to get into recovery for herself, trust me living on the streets may not best senerio,, but it was a wake up call for her,,,,, it took a lot out of me, knowing their we're moments she called telling md she was Hungary,, I told her if you can find the dope,, you can find food,,, or the time she called and said she is scared,,, I replied if you can find the dope house,,, I'm pretty sure you coukd find a police station, hospital,,, well 19 weeks later,,, she is in recovery, found a nice place to live ,,,, we may not be where I want to be,,, but better then we were,,,,,has long has she was living under my roof she woukd of never quit,,,, she actually told me that,,,,
So tough love does not mean to stop loving,, it means stop killing your child ,,,, because exactly what I was doing for the last two years,,,,

You are never going to fix her, change her,, or control her,,, until you fix, change, and control you,, and your surroundings,,,,
In order to get different results,, you have to change the actions,,,

Peace

patnard 01/02/2013

Marg and cardinal I know yu are both right, this is so hard and I know you both know that too. I stopped taking my daughter to hospitals and re-habs because they would only keep her for a week maybe 2 if I was lucky and then ship her off on some other drug. The last stay at reohab i really thought she was going to make it, but the only lasted for about a week, then she ent back to her old self. I don;t have the money for a long stay at residential and the state run one have a list a mile long. Right now she is in a day program for women but I haven;t seen a change yet, I spoke with a nurse the other day and told her I want a meeting with her, the doctor who is giving her the clonapin,myself and my daughter. I have alot to say and I will be heard, changes are going to be made or my daughter will face some erioud consequences. I haven;t figured them out yet but this is the last chance she gets, I am going ti start this year off right!!

deehigs 01/02/2013

patnard I know how hard it is I will tell you i have many times not asked my son to leave when his actions and drug use were out of control and there is only 1 reason why and we all know what that is I was afraid he would end up dead. I have been the police officer nurse chauffer maid and everything else you could think of. None of it has worked. I second guess myself each and everyday. i have learned soooooo much from so many on here and I have implemented alot of the suggestions I received. My life has not been my own for the entire last 12 months. I am however in the process of building "MY" recovery. i have gained much strength knowledge and true friends on here that are always here for me. It is perhaps the second hardest thing a parent can go through having a drug addicted child only thing worse is burying that child. I agree with Kims analogy of keep trying different things and the pain of using HAS to be worse than the pleasure of using in order to move forward towards a true lasting recovery. everyone is different and will respond to different things. I am trying with my son as well.( 19 heroin addict via perscription pill abuse.) It is hard sometimes to hear the truth but it is what we seek when we come on here for advice. i wish i had the answer but i don't none of us do. It is a living hell without a doubt but I believe we must remain strong and not get sucked in to the craziness of the addict which is very easy to do because it is just dealing with complete madness sometimes.
Just stay strong and don't get walked on do what you have to do to keep your grandbaby safe pray and keep coming here for support no one should have to deal with this on their own. God bless Dee

cardinal39 01/02/2013

Also keep in mind,,, you can get that stuff off the streets, to,,, you go girl take control of you,,,, you can't change or control your addict,,, oh have I tried,,,
Going to be honest with you,,,, when that day comes that you have had enough of the insanity,,, and your addict choice to leave , because she will not follow boundaries ,,, she is going to hate , tell you mean things, accuse you,,,, just keep conversation to 15 words ,,, don't argue back,,, keep voice level between your neck and your nose,,, but you know what that's ok if she does not like you,,,, because right now that don't even like themselves !!!

Walking with you pat!

Hugs
Kim

LoriFla 01/02/2013

Pat I'm sorry you are going through what you've been living through. I'm going to tell you the reality of what happened to me. I enabled my son, tried to control everything, give him a place to live when he promised he would stay off the drugs when he got out of prison. He had choked me, thought I was going to die, literally! I pursued charges, and a jury acquitted him. He got out of jail, again had warrants and instead of me telling the cops where he was I didn't. I had to bury him from drugs 6 yrs ago at 30 yrs old.I wish I had the chance to turn him in now, he would still be alive! Meanwhile I have a 32 yr old daughter that has been on opiates, benzos,methadone,zanex, anything she can get her hands on. I found her in convulsions in front of my grandchildren and called 911. They removed the kids from her, she can't even get clean to be apart of their lives and visit them. I will not enable her in any way, she hates me for not lying to the authorities and telling them I was there caring for the kids when she did this, and blames me. It is heartbreaking I can't see the kids, but I know they are safe now, and have plenty of food and a decent place to live.Still today she spends everything she gets on drugs, and then wants me too help her financially, I will not give her a dime, and she won't live here. I agree with the other comments, if we don't set boundaries that we intend to follow through on, we are just feeding their addiction more.My daughter lies so much she believes her own lies. I limit my contact with her because I refuse to live in the insanity and I am the only one in control of me. My heart goes out to you, I know what you're going through. Until I was sick and tired of being insane, I did nothing but threaten and didn't follow through. I can't give advice but if I had to do it again, I would turn her into the cops in a minute, what I pray is I won't have to bury my only other child. I hope you are able to make some firm boundaries, no more chances, and stick to it.Do what you have to do to protect that child. We have all walked this path and are here for you! Hugs!

katrinka 01/02/2013

The reason you hire a interventionist is so this person can keep addict on track. People do try to do interventions by themselves only the addict has a way of manipulating everyone. Whereas, a professional will call addict out when they start to try to change everyone's mind and make family and friends think they are wrong. It been proven professionals have better success rates. She can watch her like a hawk, but ask yourself how long you want to keep doing that. I know it hurts, but you have to do what's best for your grandson. Then do what's best for your daughter, you can enable an addict to death by not making them be held accountable for themselves. She already knows you will do whatever needs to be done. Your gonna have to get tough, but still let her know you love her.

cardinal39 01/02/2013

Lorifla,,, thank you so much for sharing,,,, my only regret is not sticking to my boundaries earlier,, I was awkward trying to fix,, literally at times walking in egg shells,, cause I didn't want to upset my addict,,, I was riding the rollarcoaster of insanity,, I didn't even recognize me,,,, one day my 6 year old, said G-ma you look like a circus clown your all over the place,,, hit me,,, my addict,, was living the life she wanted,, and I was jumping through circles trying to help her,,, that day,,, she chose to leave,,, of course she says I kicked her out,,, which prior to that together we wrote boundaries before we allowed her to move back in after many attempts at rehaps, jail time,,,I stuck to them,,, during that time was thd hardest thing I have ever done ,,, of course she dislikes me,,, coukd say hated me,,, today,, we may not have the relationship we once had before drugs( we were extremely close ), but that's ok,,, because she is over 90 days not using, and said she would still be using,, if she lived here ,, I made it easy for her,,,, I've never gave up hope,,, and if it takes 10 years one day my daughter will be back,,,

I made a vow to myself,,, that never again will I let the insanity of the addicts drug
use, consume me again

Again thank you,,
Kim

patnard 01/02/2013

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I know that you all understand what I am going through sometimes I wish I understood a little bit better. I will be making boundries and keeping them this time, I can't do this anymore. I will keep you all posted and let you know how we make out, I know this isn't going tobe easy.

Hugs.
Pat

deehigs 01/03/2013

Patnard Thats why we are here to help keep each other strong. Like many have said the addict will manipulate you so bad that you start to think your the crazy one believe me I know. I know it is much easier said than done but you must keep the boundaries . Ask yourself this Is my addict still using even though I have tryed watching like a hawk every minute? It just does not work. My son is in outpatient for the 2nd time and he is also being treated by a psychiatrist for dual diagnosis things are better than they were but far from perfect. My strongest boundary that I will not break is that if he brings drugs into my house he MUST move out. I have 2 younger children and I will not let that happen again for their sake.I know it is heartbreaking but if all the things you have tryed don't work you must try something new. Always let them know you love them but not their addiction and you will help in anyway regarding recovery efforts, I know you love your daughter and it isn't fair that you are put in this position but we have to get past that and find something to give them the incentive to want to break free from the devil. Take care of you. Here if you need me. Dee

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