Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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They are Never Totally Gone

Lynnedz56
Lynnedz56
I left my ex at the end of 2005. He's in PA and I'm in AZ. Since I've been gone he's gone through one woman after another and they all throw him out. He even married and it lasted 9 months. Was I ready for him to have a life with someone else when I left...heck no!!! I had the dream that hopefully some day he'd decide he'd had enough and come out here with me (clean & sober) 2 years ago he called when his marriage fell apart and said he wanted to come here. I said ok as long as he realized NO drugs, NO booze. Several days later he called drunk and made several excuses for not coming. Then started the campaign to get me back to PA. (Which he'd done successfully in 2000). When I didn't budge, the calls stopped after six months. Except now and again, I'd get a drunken call about his latest bimbo. Well here we are 2012...and guess who called?? Told me he missed talking to me and wanted to justify his latest arrest. (it wasn't him...right) Right before we hung up, he told me his latest is pregnant. He's 48 and a drunken/crackhead. She's 38 and does whatever he tells her....pays his fines, believes his lies, etc. So, he's found a sucker. But he's on the phone to me while she's at work telling me he misses me and he'll call again in a few weeks. Sober....he said he's working on the problem only has 3 or 4 beers a night and only once a month or so, gets REALLY drunk!!! My heart hurts...cause I have never totally lost hope. My head knows NOTHING has changed with him. Same crap he said to me year after year. I also asked 3 question. Since 2001 he has been "supposedly" working on getting his license back. "He's still working on it." 2 years ago he lost his front tooth and was going to have it replaced the next paycheck. (He used to be very proud of his appearance) Still hasn't replaced that tooth. And lastly, when his marriage broke up, he was going to get a divorce. 2 years, 6 months later..."he's still working on it." And now he's going to be a new father at 48? Right....can't take care of himself...how is he going to take care of a child. My ex's 2 ways of keeping a roof over his head is..."let's get married" and "Let's have a child"...then I'll get sober. And unfortunately, some women believe that.

Again, my head knows I can't live that way anymore....and I'm glad I'm gone. My heart hurts because I still love him and miss the man he was when he WAS clean & sober. (I've known him since he was 11 years old.)
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
wow. that is a cautionary tale for all the people here hoping to save their addict from the addiction with marriage and children...You proved it, it doesn't work. You also proved it wasn't you...you couldn't save him, control him or cure him...
very insightful post.
I am sure it will be helpful to others AND as you re read it, I hope it proves to you that even with some pain on occasion now, life is better without him.
and lastly, my dad passed away about 35 years ago, and I still miss him, so why should losing the man you loved at 11 be any different? mourning is ok as long as it doesn't stop you from living.
katrinka
katrinka
Your ex is exactly like my ex. The truth is; we were the best thing that ever happened to them and when it comes at the end of their life and they are thinking over what they did with their life they will know they gave up the one person who cared and would of done anything to help them.
But eventually we have to move on to save ourselves. I know for me, when I found out last year ex was having a baby with other woman I was hurt, betrayed and so sad. He still couldn't let me go and I had to tell him not once, not twice, but several times I want nothing to do with him. He was keeping me down, after I would hear from him I was depressed, I was sad for what could of been. I loved him with all my heart and he let the drugs ruin us. Then instead of seeking help and trying to save our marriage he goes and finds someone else to suck the life out of. He still doesn't get it, he hurt me deeply yet wants us to still be friends. Even sent the message from a song, "you gidn't have to cut me out, act like we were nothing!" What!!! He cut me and my daughter out.
Does he want to share pictures of his "son" and of them together. My counselor told me we have an invisible string, he wants to keep me just in case. I am the the person just in case he needs to use me, manipulate me to his advantage never really being able to give to just me and think of someone else and not just his own selfish, self center needs.
So I had to say, " do not call me, do not contact me, if I ever forgive you I will look you up." Has this ended it no, just yesterday was a email, can I send him some pictures from when he was a child. I think when he left he could of took all his crap with him. I will send the remainder of stuff.....when I get around to it.
Making the cut was hard, it is still hard when he mails me and my sinks, but now I just hit the delete button. Then I tell myself I am better off and to move on.
Thanks for letting me get all this crap out, hope it helped you like it helped me. ;)
Lynnedz56
Lynnedz56
It helped a lot. You are absolutely right. What angers me is I have talked to a few of the ones after me and they all say "It's ok if he's just drinking". They know nothing about addiction and recovery. And they have all lived to regret it. We were the best women they ever had. Not bailing him out of jail, turning him into his probation officer were done out of love. Like I said, I knew him when he was 11. We grew up and went our separate ways and I married a relative of his. When that marriage fell apart (alcoholic), he wrote to me, told me he'd loved me since he was 16 (which I knew) but he knew he could never be with me as long as he drank and drugged. So, he had gotten clean and sober and had 2 years when I went home to be with him. We had 3 more years together until he relapsed and it was one relapse after another. I did all I could, but crack is the WORST thing I've ever seen. So after six years, I had to leave. He was not the man I knew when he was using and he got violent. And I knew looking in his eyes he had no clue what he was doing...there was nothing there. He had no emotions, no thoughts other than to use. I somewhat agree with your counselor. There is a "string". Partly because we were the only ones who truly loved them. And I know with mine, I was and am the woman he still loves...but he loves the booze and crack more. And I can't live that life anymore. I had a dream last night about him. He was drunk, violent and I was running for my life. And I have to remember. This new woman is living a nightmare and the new child is in big trouble. His first 3 were raised by his mom while he spent most of his time in jail. His youngest wanted to be just like her dad. She died at 19 of an overdose. So, what does this child have to look forward to? Unless they get help and work on some kind of recovery....they only get worse....and I no longer can live that way.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your comments have been so helpful to me. I have been living with a recovering addict for over a year. I met him a year after rehab. Problem is I didn't realize that recovery from addiction lasts a lifetime and the addiction is more than just drugs...it is the whole mentality and life style associated with it. He left a week ago and I feel so sad...but so free of the chaos, the contact from women of his colourful past, the "slipups", it"s just pot...everything. There has to be more to life than this. I see in him so much potential but I can't make it happen for him. I am successful, established, so much going for me. Why is this so hard to end?!!!
katrinka
katrinka
Lynn, my counselor told me today she doesn't think my ex is capable of putting himself in someone else place. Instead he only thinks how this will hurt, help save him or any other action but he is not capable of thinking what he did to me and my daughter. Maybe your ex is like that, they can say the words, I'm sorry or any other stuff but its just words not true meaning behind it.
I thought of how sad it was how his daughter ended up and thought what will this poor child go through. My counselor said the same thing about ex's baby with him and her as parents this child has a scary future ahead. Poor baby.
Lynnedz56
Lynnedz56
In my ex's case, he was a kind, considerate kid raised by horrible parents. He watched his dad beat his sister to death and was there when his mother had wild sex parties. He started using and I didn't see him for sixteen years. When we got together we did counseling together, separate and made sure we were ready for this. But once he relapsed, the crack took that man away. And I firmly believe that now he has no heart. I was also told before I left, by several doctors that he needed to get serious long term help...they recommended inpatient mental treatment along with addiction. And I was told if he doesn't do it, he will never get better, just get worse. And it's a shame that he's dragging down other women with him. And possibly a new child. I have a granddaughter who's father is an addict and If I do nothing else, I will not let her be raised like my ex raised his daughters. And I hope if he is having a child the woman gets smart and gets out. His arrest over Easter is just the 2nd with her. The woman before that he married to keep a roof over his head had her son beat him up so she could get away. Addiction is a horrible, horrible thing. And look at the destruction it leaves behind. Along with the addict himself. I once knew a wonderful man who was the only man who truly loved me. But, sadly, he loves crack and beer more. And I have to take care of me!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand how you feel, but my husband left 2 months ago and I have not heard from him at all. Not hearing is really hard, but he met up with his ex-wife after 21 years of marriage to me. She took him right in and says he does not take any pills, which I know is a lie. He could not stop when he was with me with the good life he is not going to stop for her. She just does not know the good man she only knows the addict now. I still love him and always will, it still hurts.