Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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The boy who cried wolf.

deehigs
deehigs
When Matt was little he had every Disney movie under the sun. One of his favorite movies was Peter and the Wolf. I remember watching that movie with him a gazillion times and trying to teach him a lesson about being honest. I used to explain the story to him that you should always tell the truth because like Peter if you lied then no one would know when to believe you and when not to. So this weekend Matt stayed over a friends on Saturday night ( I spoke to his friend"s mom and she said it was fine and she would be home etc..). Anyway yesterday when he came home i noticed an abrasion on his forehead as well as one on his elbow so I asked him what happened of course he said Oh I knew you were gonna ask me that. Well yea I'm curious. He claims he and his buddies were horsing around and wrestling each other. I don't believe that for a minute and the sad part is it could be true or a complete lie and i will never know and quite frankly I guess it doesn't matter much he is fine and alive but it just saddens me that i have to second guess almost every single friggin word that comes out of his mouth. In my version I think he either got fallen down drunk or high and fell and hit his head on something . There is no lump or bruise just a small scrape but it really sucks that my son has become such a liar like Peter or is he? I really do not know. I won't lie I have gotten so much stronger than when i first came on here but i still have my queasy moments when I don't know what to believe anymore. I am letting him suffer the consequences of his own actions on all accounts. I totally have my boundaries in place the problem is my heart has no boundaries when it comes to loving him and it has been broken so many many times by one of the most important people in my life. I am just sad that it is what it is but I know just that it is what it is. I only hope and pray that one day my son may return the real person he used to be not this new and unimproved version of his former self. I pray to God every day for the return of my REAL son and I have seen much progress from where we were last year but we still have a very long hard journey in front of us. I am sorry to go on for so long but i know you all understand. So now I am going to get my big girl pants on and go forward afte rall that is all any of us can do anyway.
cardinal39
cardinal39
Oh I understand,,, love your son ,,, hate the addiction,,, really does it matter where he got that abbrassion,,, if it is a lie,, that's between him and God,,, sometimes it's best to know less,,, you can't controll them,,, so don't be so hard on yourself,, we have dealt with so many lies,,, that you just go with the flow,,, when I talk to katelin,,, I listen to my daughter,,, but usually don't hold everything she says has facts,,, remember symptom of addiction is lies,, that they actually believe themselves,,,

Girl it's not about the storm ,, the ability to dance in the rain,

Honestly don't analyze every circumstance ,, sometimes it really does not matter,,, if he is going to use,,, unfortunately all you can do is pray


Love ya sister !
cardinal39
cardinal39
You also need to let Matt make those decisions,, and if he crosses those boundaries,, you need to implacate a consequence ,, if you continuously follow him thinking he is using,, he could very well say screw it,,, and use,,, support his sobriety with positive reinforcements
Release, relax,, recharge,,,,

Say that serenity prayer
jainlor
jainlor
i am sorry dee....it really sucks when you want so much to believe them but all trust is gone. i will pray for you and matt tonight. you are not alone...we understand. xoxo
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
Oh, I do remember all those unexplained scrapes and bruises...why did my son and his friends think it was funny to punch each other or wrestle to such extreemes? Dumb testosterone.
Sometimes you can't tell what is the truth, what is a cover story....Don't you worry about being tough. everyone needs to let it all hang out once in a while. I still have moments when I don't hear from boy-o and get that scared feeling in my stomach. Will it ever end? I don't know.
You are doing the best you can. Don't be hard on yourself. We all join you in prayers for Matt. He did it before, he will do it again. I believe.
katrinka
katrinka
Sometimes you have to step back and not be the, "Mom". Instead let your adult children live their lives and make their own mistakes.
Instead of thinking of the bad stuff like lies think of the good and how far he has come.
marg6300
marg6300
we all change and none of us are ever going to be the same including our addicts.Matt is different now but you can and will still love him like you used to but realize he won't come back to the way he was before his addiction but he will come back! I am afraid all addicts become liars for the rest of their lives but that is one casualty of their addiction. As long as they are still here all we can do is hoe and pray for them to be their best selves whatever that isgoing to be.
I think the lying is the absolute worst side effect of this awful disease but its one we are all going to have to live with sadly.
I know you are sad today and I get sad too but they are alive and still with us so we have to count our blessings!

Hugs to you today
deehigs
deehigs
Thank you friends. You are all right. I know I can't control it and I do try to let him make his mistakes I really can't change it anyway . The thing is I hate the fact that if he is lying he thinks we are dumb and he gets away with it. I didn't even bother to tell him what I was thinking there is no point because if I am right he will just swear he is telling the truth and it will just end up an argument so i have learned to bite my tongue. Kim the one thing that sticks out in my mind of what you said is celebrate his sobriety and that is where I struggle with this because I don't know if he is sober. Most of the time I know he is because he has come so far he is now on his own at work (he used to be with my husband all the time) he has his own company work truck and he gets himself up at 4 am everyday and out the door on time . He is still going to outpatient treatment 2x a week. So there is alot of reasons to be grateful. Today january 15 marks the one year anniversary of when I found out about his drug use, so i guess i am feeling a little down. I am still in the learning phases of letting go it is a process that I work on daily. I think that sometimes we get so entrapped in their world of how we have to deal with them that a "normal" thing like asking a question about a mark on your kids head has to be thought about and disected when it is asked should i or shouldn't i ? if it was either of my other 2 kids I wouldn't give it a second thought. Know what I'm saying? Anyway I am thankful that he is doing as well as he is and hope and pray that with time he just keeps getting better and better. Thanks again. Dee
jms7229
jms7229
Hi Dee, I know how you feel about the lies. I am grappling with this issue today. Most days I try not to worry over it too much, but it is so sad to doubt each word someone you love utters. I also am conflicted by my feelings of guilt " just in case he is really telling the truth this time".
Moving forward....I agree with all other friends. All we can do is pray, be OUR best and keep on loving.