This might look tricky, but it isn't. The family has to know. Here's why:

- The worry and stress is too much for one person to handle alone. Once he leaves, how are you doing to handle the uncertainty of his whereabouts, what he does, if he continues using or if he proceeds to the next level of drug use?

- Your ex husband is the father of this young man. Don't you think he deserves/wants to know about his son?

- Lies... they are never good.

How old are your children? And why is he leaving?

Within the family, I think people need to know. I know your son may feel betrayed, but your daughter deserves protection and her protection will protect him. What if she has him visit her and has pain killers on the counter? Or has been lending him money? Hopefully he won't relapse, but the immediate family (I think) needs to know.

It gets trickier as you push the circle out farther. I struggled with being put in the position to lie to others. It's bad for me. It also means they have a secret to be ashamed about and worried about - two things that are bad for an addict. But I also know people who haven't experienced things like addiction or divorce or whatever are quick to judge others.

I didnt tell my family members. I kept it all a huge secret. The only people who knew where my two very best friends as I needed someone to cry to about it all the time. They kept telling me that I should tell family members for support but I never did. Its a pretty big burden to carry all on your shoulders alone.

Part of me feels its the addict who needs to be the one to tell others. But the other part says that there is a big benefit to having those around you all on the same page. They can better help the addict in need of moral support or you for support just in case something happens where you need back up.

My husband has been clean for almost 6 months from Oxys. He still has yet to tell my mother or anyone in my family. His family knows but only because I reached out to his sister for help. For back up. Otherwise, nobody knew. I just felt it wasnt my place to tell anyone. I know others feel differently. Its a personal decision.

My son started with Oxycontin and advanced to Heroin... For a while we kept it a secret too. we have a large extended family that is very close, and gathers often (:-D) when we finally shared what was going on with S__, they were all very supportive. Actually, it was helpful to them, because they had all noticed changes in him, and were very worried... but when we opened up they were glad that we shared... Many have tried their best to approach and support my son... a brother-in-law has even taken S to AA meetings (I know, different addiction, but a supportive & recovering environment), and told him to call if he ever needs to talk.

Pen is right, this is too big for one person alone... I hope your family will support you, and your son.

Like everyone here, I kept this secret for a while because my son aske me not to tell his grandparents. Which I did, I too have a very large family that is close, so I chose whom I wanted to share with not for my son, but for me for my own sanity. My brother and sister whom were so very supportive to me and my husband lifted us up when we needed that and also helped us to see the light. Your daughter must know. Addiction is a family disease. I was very clear with my son who I told, and who I didn't but I made it clear that if he used again, I would make sure that the family knew because now this could potentially effect them all. As bhamguy said, the risk is people will judge, but then again people will always judge. Good luck.

I would say that you should tell your husband because its important for him to know what to look for. Also, you want to make sure that your son is not turning around and asking your husband for rides, money...ect. You and your husband need to be on the same page in how you are going to handle the situation. As for you daughter goes I would let him tell her when he is ready, unless his addiction is taking advantage of your daughter. If were to tell your daughter without his permission it might make him distrust you and make him feel more isolated from the family.

I have never told family members about mt husbands addiction issues ( off course sons know). I have spoken with close friends. Here is what the truth was..... People know, other friends have approached me with their concerns. How can my parents not know? Drunk is drunk. It is a tricky and uncomfortable issue all around.
I cannot tell you how to handle this , but I know that the burden of carrying all the emotions of this disease AND the responsibility of somehow " protecting" his secret brought me to my knees.
Now, I fully realize this is your CHILD, whole different thing than a husband.
I finally decided that people figuring it out was one of the consequences of the behavior, and he had no right to place that expectation on me.

Well lets just say,, put thd shoe on thd other foot,, your husband knew, and never told you,, how would this make you feel,?
The biggest relief I had is when I finally put a title on my daughters demeanor ,," herion addict", dealing with an addict is not an easy thing,, you sometimes have no idea what tomorriw will be like,,, I believe you have options who chose to tell,, right I would pick the ones that will support you,,,,

Denial is the biggest enemy in the world of addiction,,, because then we become consumed with the lies of protecting our addicts feelings, we then start making excuses has why they are acting this way,,, at the end of the day,,, the addict is still an addict,,,

You can't just hang a picture over a hole in the wall,, and expect it to be fixed,,, eventually the picture falls,, and the hole is still there

Hugs!

I'm curious, why is he leaving and where is he going? I hope he's going into a rehab program because that is not a substance you can simply quit on your own. I know because my son was addicted to that too. I say was because he went into a 1 year program. He couldnt have done it on his own.

And I agree with alot of the other members - its too much for one person to bear.