I too have a son in jail. He needs to be there - otherwise he would be dead. I love him, but his addiction has hurt/harmed many of his family. I do give him money for the commissary, visit him and write letters. I send him books. But I won't post bail or pay for a lawyer. I have done those things before & it was a mistake. Sometimes I feel a fool for what I do for him, but then reason that jail is enough of a consequence. I not know the answer, just know how I reason things out in my own case. I don't want him out before he has more clean time!

Sorry to hear you have the same situation cab6. I have been dealing with this for the last 8 years. I just hope that tough love is going to work this time. Not the first time he has been in jail, or been in rehabs, but I will always have hope, as long as he is breathing.

So sorry that you are dealing with this but I definitely think you are doing the right thing. It is nothing short of a miracle that my son who is also a heroin addict has not been to jail. He has spent time homeless on the street and suffered a great deal. It is heartbreaking as mother to watch your child suffer knowing that you cannot step in and rescue them. One of the hardest moments was when my son had lost everything, including his phone and he was living on the street and in shelters in another city. The only way he could communicate with me was through the library computer. He messaged me that he was scared and alone and he wanted to come home. I told him I couldn't help him and I felt like I was dying inside. I know he has to experience the full consequences of his addiction or he will never learn to help himself and I know he understands why I can't help him but it doesn't make it easier. He knows my position is I will only help him to make healthy choices and I will do nothing to support or enable bad choices. I will never give him money. I have purchased items for him while he was in treatment, like warm clothes. I sent him care packages when he was in sober house with some food. I also helped him pay his deposit and rent on the sober house but I'm not sure I would do that again because he only lasted 6 weeks and lost the deposit. I never miss an opportunity to tell him I love him and I miss him. I do believe that is is very important for him to know that even if I can't help him.

Hi. I did commissary for my son...he never stole from us, but others. I also sent him books through Amazon...(not allowed to directly give) And I sent him letters with what I was thinking about.
And I did take his phone calls. It gave us a chance to get back closer, and support him, and correct some really crazy thinking- (Max was a rapist who hit women with a hammer, and he said "he's not such a bad guy" - and I shouted in the phone "That's because you are not a woman, and he doesn't have his hammer!")
Let the judge and court do what they will and love the son, and let the addict pay the price.

enabling is doing anything for them that they can't do for themselves, so i was pretty nice to him in jail....and I preached, and laid down the law etc. too.

It didn't sober him up....it did for a while when he got out, but he was just too sick. About a year or two later he got sober. 6 years now. THANK GOD.

I would give a small amount. Having a son in jail from his heroin addiction has been difficult. Just know that they can get drugs in jail too. They trade for things. In small amounts he will use it for food.

pray he gets drug court. They will monitor him closely. My son is in rehab now for 30 days. He violated a protective order I took out against him. He was drinking when the police showed up for something unrelated. Saw him drinking. I gave him the choice. Rehab or take him to trial and put him in jail. Thankfully he took rehab. I did post money when he was in jail because I wanted to know he was ok. The second he started the blame game or his pity party I would end the call.

Jail is a way of knowing where they are at night. Best nights sleep I had in years

Thank you for your replies. I did go see my son after he was in jail for 2 mos. I was relieved he was not complaining about his situation, other than he wished things moved quicker. He accepted the Drug Court offer, he just needs to wait now until a bed opens up for a 6-9 month rehab. He is hoping for a Dual Diagnosis facility, due to his addiction, bipolar and depression. Sounds like he knows he screwed up and its all on him. He thinks after drug court, if successful, he will go to a halfway house and then to transitional living. I have put small amount of $ in commissary, I know for a fact the food is awful, inmates are always refusing meals. I told him I love him and I was glad I went to see him. I may not go every week, but we keep in touch through letters. I just deal with one day at a time.

Baker noes the time to work on you. You have a breather now knowing where he is at night. Drug court is a wonderful thing. He will now learn how to be accountable.

You did the right thing. You want him to know you love him and support him when he will go to rehab. Makes a difference
In their recovery. At the same time you want him to see you take care of you and get stronger and not enable.

I pray all goes well. My son is on around day 73. 73 peaceful days is the most I have had in years. One can get used to this.

I was just leaving with heroin addict for couple months. Basically all you have to do to get them of it is get doctor to prescribe anti psychotic meds. Once they will eat enough of them interest in drugs will reduce. They will need less heroine to achieve same effect and possibly will not need it at all

Square with all due respect that sounds outrageous. First off you don't prescribe psych meds for someone who isn't mentally in need. Second it's trading one drug for another.

The only true way to kick a heroin addiction is by wanting to and getting help thru a program that has support and knowledge.
I am not even a believer in Suboxone or methadone (except for detoxing). It's just a crutch some use for long term because they haven't fully committed to being completely clean.

I don't know your story. Maybe psych meds is what was needed in your case. But I certainly wouldn't suggest that for any heroin addict.

I am glad you are using the opportunity to see and speak with him. and that he is taking responsibility for his actions. My son did rehabs and halfway, then sober living....very good. Hope he gets in....and soon.

as for advice here. We try our best. Sometimes it is worth what you pay for it...nothing. sometimes we all disagree...occasionally we have people on board dealing (or not dealing successfully) with their own issues that influence their advice.

Anyway, keep us in the loop as to what is happening. I am so glad that you have maintained a relationship and are being positive and supportive of his desire to recover. I wish you peace.

I must say you deserve a hug. I do know how you feel. Lost my Amber to Heroin in 2012. She was just 27 and very beautiful. One bit of light. Your son is in there somewhere. I promise you! The actions done by your son, were not done consciously. His brain has been reprogrammed by the Heroin. Only way to get him back is time clean. I must warn you. Drug Court can be so much pressure, it could actually be the very thing that leads to relapse. It takes a village. If you have family/friends that can take turns staying close, this is key. He needs you. He wants to live. He misses himself as much as you do. New routine, Exercise, Time, New Reward System. Let him know you are mad. Let him know you Forgive him for his bad decision. This will allow him to know he can forgive himself & deserves it. I know it is hard for you to understand if you have never been taken over by a substance. No, money should not be given. I hope this helps. I hope you accept my friend request. I couldn't save my daughter. Maybe in some small way, I can help other mothers.