Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Lynnedz56 09/06/2009

I see a lot where we tell someone to "be strong". I took that to heart. And I tried to hide my feelings. It was "weak" to miss him. It was "weak" to still cry after 3 years. I had to be "strong". When I first left my ex I was angry. And I was "strong". But over time I realized I missed him. I missed the man I loved. The man who loved me. The man who was clean and sober. And had long term sobriety when we became a couple. Heck, I'd actually known him since he was 11. So, I saw the boy who had big dreams and high hopes turn into a man. People said I was "codependent" as if it were a bad thing. I believed everything I heard and read. And I felt guilty when I missed him or when I wrote him a letter or when I called him. I've been going to therapy to work on a lot of issues. And I told my therapist that there was something wrong with me, cause I still cry after 3 years. And he said..."you grieve at your own pace." You had a wonderful love and you lost that love to crack. This man loved you with all his heart, but he loved drugs and booze more. And it hurts. And what is wrong with crying? Why do you need to be strong? Some days it hurts like heck. And as time goes by, it gets less, but it's still there. Two years after I left his 19 year old daughter died of a crack overdose. And I wasn't there for him. And I felt bad. So, I called....just so he knew he wasn't alone. Does that mean I'll go back to him? Does that mean I want an active addict in my life? No...but it means I love...I have compassion and I still feel. As far as being "codependent". My therapist said...Yeah..and what's wrong with that. As long as you have boundaries. As long as you know when to care, how to care and when to take care of yourself.

I know I'm going out on a limb here. But it bothers me that I have had people tell me that they feel badly when they are NOT strong. And they avoid these support groups because they are looked down on when they stumble or go back.

I am certainly not perfect. And but for the grace of God, I could be in active addiction.

We are all in our own place in our journey and we need to keep that in mind. I know this is not a 12 step program. But I still try to just share my "experience, strength and hope". I for one, don't know all the answers. I just know what worked for me.

And lastly, this is no joke. I have lost people I love from this disease. And when I think about my ex....he didn't wake up one morning and say..."I think I'll be an addict". He hurts...he feels pain and he knows no other way than to get high. So...today I pray for him. And I pray for all the other addicts who still suffer.

deleted_user 09/06/2009

I feel that way about my daughter everyday. I have been told to let her fall or that she will have to do it on her own. But that does not mean that we can't feel for them. That we can't let them know that we care. That doesn't make us weak. That makes us human. I may loose her. I don't know what tomorrow is. But today I told her I loved her. When you lose something that you love, you grieve. Drugs take people away from us as if we didn't matter. Grieve all you want. I have been grieving for years. I wouldn't feel human if I didn't. I kicked my daughter and her 8 month old son out when she started stealing drugs 9Vicodin for FM) and money from me. I wish to this day I would have tried something else instead of anger and hurt. A year later she showed up at my door at 12am 8mths pregnant and her dad told her he would dissown her if she kept this baby. (He took her first son but didn't let her live with him). I didn't see her for 3 yrs after that night. I found her on MySpace and she opened up to let me know that she was on drugs before but the day she left the hospital after giving up her son she stuck the first needle in her arm. It devestated me. I live with guilt because I couldn't be there for her, but also know that it is her addiction, not mine. I can just offer love and an open heart if she needs to talk. We don't stop loving them. God bless you for having enough courage to feel the way you do. I think it may help others to be more open with their feelings.

deleted_user 09/07/2009

Sometimes I think that may of the people who come on to this site are in such pain and feel so alone they maybe need to hear the hard truths to just get away from the addict they are with - I say this about partners as this is my expereince. When I first came to this site I was in such a state I need to hear that thing where not going to get better with him and that I need to look after myself - I needed that cold hard truth. I do agree with Lynnedz56 the it is seen as a weakness to still have these feelings about a loved addict but sometimes its needed just to get away from them. To a point I was co dependant - I have be away from him for nearly 3 months - but he is very good at the lies and promises and this site helps me to see that this is the way addicts are and stops me getting any more hurt than I already have been.
I have some friends on this site and we write about how hard it is to lose one you love - it is almost like they have died but even worse as you know they live and breath. I still cry over my lost love and I miss the man I though he was everyday. I see it as part of the healing process.

deleted_user 09/07/2009

I think we all deal with the losss of our loved ones to addiction in different ways, and I for one do grieve the loss still, two years after I left, one year after my H died. I think that the support from this site is varied, yes some people are more hard line, some are more soft, but I think that is based on what path we have had to endure in life. I like to try to say hang in there.

mgs1 09/07/2009

I think it depends on how people define "stay strong." For me it means - "protect yourself, learn from it, and most importantly -
love yourself"
Staying strong to protect yourself so you don't fall deeper into depression or get hurt anymore than we have all been hurt is ultimately everyone's own choice - just like the addict. But for those who need support, help and strength, I like hearing "stay Strong."

deleted_user 09/07/2009

Staying strong is easier said than done but i know i have said it just meant as encouragement.
I dont really understand codependant though, i think it is used too much on here, everyone in a relationship is somewhat dependant & when the relationship breaks down & we are badly hurt but accused of being codependant, i have had many messages telling me to read books on codependancy or check out internet sites about it, i am very independant, always have been so just because i greive over the loss of the relationship doesnt make me codependant. I think we all obsess over our exes at first, if we didnt give a toss then that would be more worrying.

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