No relationship is perfect and neither are the people in a relationship. I commend you for realizing some things you did wrong but know that what's done is done; guilt won't serve you well. It sounds as if you've decided to file, you're waiting for him to be served and you're sure that you're tired of being married to an addict. One can only take so much. Once you've drawn that line about what you can handle, feel confident that it's time to move on. Healing is a slow process... but it's worth it. I wish you peace and comfort and confidence in all of this.

It is normal to feel one way one day and another way a different day.
Divorce is just as stressful as a death so you have the up and down periods.
So ask yourself and be really honest and truthful with yourself, think of all the crap that has been going on and ask yourself is that the road you want to continue on? If he gets helps, gets clean you can remarry. Most woman do not leave their addicted spouses because they think, a miracle will happen, spouse will get clean and some other woman will reap all your long hard years of waiting for him to get sober.
What happen with you was 12 years ago its time to forgive yourself and move pass that. You can't undo it, your husband did plenty to make you feel guilty and keep you feeling that way. He manipulated it and had his own affairs. He justified his behavior.
Think with your head not your heart, be honest with yourself do you want to go back to the life that comes with living day in and out with an addict, always waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Some people get addicted to the addict, unless they are in the turmoil of living with the chaos they start to have their own relapse. There is a term in psychology, classical conditioning principles, one is spontaneous recovery and reconditioning. This is where for example a couple who has broken up, they get to missing each other,but they arebmisinterpreting their feelings and they return to back to the unhappy relationship. If you keep doing this you recondition your body so it becomes difficult to leave the unhealthy relationship. So you keep repeating this cycle and your body will tell you, hey your not suppose to make a change, he is suppose to come back. This what happened to me, when my ah and I split up my body told me for two years he is suppose to come back it was because in our past he left and came back lots times. Each time he went to rehab, each time he decided he had to leave it would be best. So when he didn't come back, and he did ask, but I knew as hard as it was I had to break the cycle. This cause me to go into a really bad depression, but I kept telling myself I was doing what was best for me.
Its hard to do, if you give it enough time you will be glad you did. Deep down you know nothing will of changed.
If he really was going to get clean and stay clean he would of done it by now, he is a chronic addict and it could takes years for him to stop and stay clean.

Thank you treecat for taking the time to reply. Your right one can only take so much. The hard part is my husband also has done so much good,but when he is mean to me he is really mean and cruel. I feel as though i really need to move on. He need so much mental help. He actually had me convinced that I was the one who was crazy and all along it has been him. I mean I am Bipolar but I treat my mental health. I'm also afraid I won't ever find someone again.

Katrinka...thankyou. I just want to clarify that I had a relationship recently that just ended a year and ahalf ago and it was with my son's best friend. This really hurt my whole family as they all know now. it was after this my husband ran into the arms of another woman.

Anyway, i know it is an excuse for him to use. I do believe what you say about your body and how it speaks to you. I really just cannot believe this is the first time in all these years I actually see my husband and all his manipulative ways. I think he is actually in shock he is not living back here with me and me being all stupid while he lives his double life. I always took him back and never asked questions. he was so hard into the NA meetings. He has been clean for a good part of our marriage. Part of me is just having such a hard time b/c of how hard he has worked over the years. His body is riddled with pain from all the years of doing floors. this is how he got addicted to the Narcotics. I know he is still and addict and I do think I need to let him go.

He invited me to his sisters for Thanksgiving and I accepted b/c I thouht "why not" and for the kids, but now I am wondering if I really want to be around his mother and brother with whom he has been living and I'm sure they will feel awkward with me there. any thoughts?

One part says I need to let him go and the other part of you says, okay I'll come to Thanksgiving, " for the kids sake". Your addicted to him and unless you have no contact with him for at least a couple of months so your body and head can see and feel what you really want you will keep the pattern going. I used to say I needed a revolving front door.
Its not that you see his manipulative ways now its that hopefully you see nothing has changed. That was the point of spontaneous recovery and reconditioning we forget all the stuff they did. We start to say oh he was good, he did this or he did this. So we go back and we have a short honeymoon period and then we are back where we started. I said all the same things. My ex cooked, cleaned, was lovable, but he also had a couple of affairs that I know about. People do not change and the ones that do have to put a lot of effort into really wanting to be a better person.

You have a lot of good insight and i appreciate it. I am torn about Thanksgiving. I feel as though I want to go b/c I have done nothing wrong and I want to show my kids that I can hold my head up. I have no desire to reconcile with Bill right now. For the first time , most of me sees him much clearer. When we reconciled a year and a half ago he still had me fooled. I new something wasn't right but I never really stood up to him. I feel completely different now. I have to say I am very thankful for a friend, male friend with no interest helped me see Bill and his ways. He was always objective and gave Bill fair shakes but I do believe God put him in my path to support me. i really have no idea if the lights ever would have gone on he didn't listen. Man am I greatful.

My husband actually called me hon today via text. I almost said I am not your hon but I didn't bother. I will talk with my daughter tonight and see what her feelings are about Thanksgiving. Thank you so much Katrinka.