My heart goes out to U, I too have been there and it seems just when there is hope, it all comes around again. I hope U find the strength to get thru this w/o ultimatums, in my experience they RARELY work :(

I am sorry for you. It sounds frusterating. It is hard to watch your loved one drink themselves to death. You mentioned your son and that you didn't want him to go through this. I would say that should be the motivator for you. I know I was in an abusive relationship before my son was born and I told myself there is no way my son is going to watch his father treat me this way. I got away from him so my son could live a "normal' life. He has never met his son and I made sure of it. It is not the same as Addiction, but Addiction can be just as destructive to children whose parents are addicted to drugs or alcohol. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and the pain I endure on a daily basis runs deep through my soul. May God bring you peace.

Have you read the book Get Your Love One Sober by Dr Robert Meyers. He suggest when other person comes home drinking you you ignore them, Go about whatever you were doing and the next morning talk with your spouse. Let them know how much you enjoy their company when sober. Its like a reward good behavior and bad behavior remove yourself from the situation.
Rock bottom is kind of a myth, most addicts quit gradually. They will have drinking times and sober times, so right now he is in a drinking time. I am not saying your should stay or leave as I think that you have been here a long time and you know the con's of staying with an addict and as you said giving an ultimatum is not an option. I would suggest reading this book it will help you set boundaries, you will not have to make the choice to leave and it may help. As the book says in the back give it a try and eventually should you decide to leave you will know you did all you could to help your husband.
I am sorry I know the disappointment you are feeling, just when you start to think things are getting better they fall off the wagon.

I think you already know you have done all you can to help your husband. Poor woman, you're already burnt out from this as it is. There are ways to learn how to make boundaries stick. Ask us and we can share what we have learnt. Whatever else is going on in your life right now, how can it be more important than protecting your son from parental alcoholism???

I know you feel you can't get out of this marriage, and that feeling is bound to colour your thinking. Let's side aside the question of "can I?" and consider the question of "should I?"

Thanks so much for all your support. I could not sleep last night, I was just so angry and sad. This morning, he acted like nothing happened and he had to go to work. I did not say much to him and when he went to kiss me goodbye, I told him that I would rather not. I did not get angry, I did not tell him what to do, I just gave him a gentle reminder of how he acted last night and reminded him of how well he had done during his sobriety. I am just so glad my son was sleeping when it all came down last night and he did not see any of it. I know I can't protect him forever and I need to make some choices, but I will definitely come here for your suggestions and support. I truly take every word of wisdom to heart and it gives me a lot to think about. My soul priority is my son, and if this continues, I will have to make some really hard choices.

Katrinka - I will definitely look into that book, sounds very interesting,. It is good to know that there are other programs besides Alanon, which really never worked for me. It may be great for some people, but I was never 100% comfortable there.

Thanks again

I made friends in Alanon, but I never did work for me either. I think for me I wanted to know why and I wanted to know ways to help ah but still not get caught up in his drama. Here is another site that will help you and here is Dr. Robert Meyers site. They also have a forum for freinds and family.
I couldn't help but be mad and disappointed when ah would relapse.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm
http://www.robertjmeyersphd.com/craft.html

I wish everyone would quit buying these bad wagons that are made without seatbelts because there are just too many people falling off of them. ;-)

They just don't make wagons like they use too!!!!

so sorry... that thought scares me to death...falling off, not the wagon....be strong. Hugs.

yes we have one of those wagons too!! my husband fell off twice this year. too bad they aren't covered by the 'lemon law'. on a more serious note my heart goes out to you. i was always so undone coming upon the hidden stashes. i know it is passive aggressive but sometimes i can't resist the urge to just put them at his place on the kitchen table.

Passive aggressive...yes....but I think it's a very natural HUMAN reaction, have VERY much thought of doing the same, unfortunately, WE see it MUCH clearer than they do bc their vision is altered from their drug of choice :(
I think this has been the HARDEST hurdle for me to get over, THEY have to see it for themselves or U are fighting their battle alone :(
Sadly, no amount of begging, pleading or reasoning will change that.

My heart goes out to you too. Keep putting yourself first and not taking his bait. Remember that although your son may not hear or see some of the problems, children always know what is going on, and it does affect them. They pick up on tension, they know you are anxious or feeling down. The good news is that they are pretty resilient, and once things are stable they usually bounce back faster than we think they will. Hang in there.

Thanks once again for all your support. I am still so disappointed and now I am going back to the old feelings again of not knowing how he will come home. Will he be drinking or not? I just have to stay strong for my son, and myself.

Since he just relapse you can help him see he misses not being sober. If he comes in high, say nothing, go to another room. Keep doing whatever you were doing. If you were going out, go. Let him see you will not let his addiction drag you down anymore. Sometimes the relapse can be short because they miss having fun and being with their family. Do not engage in arguing, let him know you can discuss it when he is sober. This is very important. Nagging, yelling, complaining will do not good. But letting him know how disappointed you are and how much you enjoy being with him when sober can help.