Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Someone kindly let me know that they thought my BF was using again (cocaine). I told my BF this, and he got really angry. To me, being THAT angry seemed like a bad sign - he was so reactive, and so mad. If he's really not using, what is he so mad about?
He says he is mad that this person could effect our relationship in a bad way. He also says he is mad because he likes people to like him, so he's upset that this person is accusing him of being a liar and being deceiving me.
This happened yesterday, and we talked for ages. I told him I did not know if I could go through this anymore. He seemed fixated on what this person said about him, and, today, he is still REALLY angry about it.
What seems odd to me is that he is more concerned about what this person said/thinks, then the fact that our relationship hangs in the balance. I feel so hurt I could scream.
Plus, he kept talking about the person who told me this stuff like they were a bad person, who did something wrong. He suggested they were possibly just trying to break us up, so they could be with me, He acted like they did something WRONG. All they did was kindly, and gently, and out of concern for me, suggest that they thought he might be using again. How can that be wrong?!?!
At this point, I feel like the person who told me has more concern for me then him. He says he cares. But actions speak louder then words, and, when our relationship was hanging on a threat, what he cared about was his reputation.
On top of it, today, he go and tells this whole story to someone he knows, who is a complete alcoholic. I think I have seen this man sober 1 time in the last 9 months. He is always drunk. How can that be a good person to go to for advice???! He worries about a kind SOBER person giving me a gentle warning, but it's okay for him to take advice from an alcoholic in total denial of his alcoholisim??!
Not surprisingly, the alcoholic thought that the person who warned me was wrong. Well, of course he thinks that. The alcoholic claims that if he were in this man's shoes, he would have approched my BF first. What kind of sense does that make?
It doesn't make sense. At all. If you see a couple, and you suspect the BF is lying and hurting the girlfriend, the only thing that makes sense to do is warn the girlfriend! What on earth would you say to the boyfriend - "Oh, hello. I think you're lying to your girflriend. Please stop."
Yeah, right! First, it's out of line, since he doesn't know my BF very well, and, second, it just does not make sense, because it's ME that needs warning, not my BF. If you see someone in danger, you warn them. Third, what the hell would it accomplish?? Nothing. About all it would accomplish is letting my BF know that if he is using he is being too obvious and needs to be even more deceptive!
Okay, I'm sorry about the rant. It's just that I'm at the end of my rope, and I can't sleep because I'm so wound up. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Any ideas, advice, thoughts, anything is greatly appreciated.
He says he is mad that this person could effect our relationship in a bad way. He also says he is mad because he likes people to like him, so he's upset that this person is accusing him of being a liar and being deceiving me.
This happened yesterday, and we talked for ages. I told him I did not know if I could go through this anymore. He seemed fixated on what this person said about him, and, today, he is still REALLY angry about it.
What seems odd to me is that he is more concerned about what this person said/thinks, then the fact that our relationship hangs in the balance. I feel so hurt I could scream.
Plus, he kept talking about the person who told me this stuff like they were a bad person, who did something wrong. He suggested they were possibly just trying to break us up, so they could be with me, He acted like they did something WRONG. All they did was kindly, and gently, and out of concern for me, suggest that they thought he might be using again. How can that be wrong?!?!
At this point, I feel like the person who told me has more concern for me then him. He says he cares. But actions speak louder then words, and, when our relationship was hanging on a threat, what he cared about was his reputation.
On top of it, today, he go and tells this whole story to someone he knows, who is a complete alcoholic. I think I have seen this man sober 1 time in the last 9 months. He is always drunk. How can that be a good person to go to for advice???! He worries about a kind SOBER person giving me a gentle warning, but it's okay for him to take advice from an alcoholic in total denial of his alcoholisim??!
Not surprisingly, the alcoholic thought that the person who warned me was wrong. Well, of course he thinks that. The alcoholic claims that if he were in this man's shoes, he would have approched my BF first. What kind of sense does that make?
It doesn't make sense. At all. If you see a couple, and you suspect the BF is lying and hurting the girlfriend, the only thing that makes sense to do is warn the girlfriend! What on earth would you say to the boyfriend - "Oh, hello. I think you're lying to your girflriend. Please stop."
Yeah, right! First, it's out of line, since he doesn't know my BF very well, and, second, it just does not make sense, because it's ME that needs warning, not my BF. If you see someone in danger, you warn them. Third, what the hell would it accomplish?? Nothing. About all it would accomplish is letting my BF know that if he is using he is being too obvious and needs to be even more deceptive!
Okay, I'm sorry about the rant. It's just that I'm at the end of my rope, and I can't sleep because I'm so wound up. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Any ideas, advice, thoughts, anything is greatly appreciated.
Addicts will place blame, accuse, get mad when they are using my ex always did and even told me in his times of not using it was because he was using drugs.
It seems like you're spending alot of your energy monitoring your bf's behaviour... when it may be better for you to focus on your own life and keep setting limits around yourself to protect you. When the time comes to confront him about his drug use, it will go better if you have evidence that he can't deny. Sounds like getting that is just a matter of time.
Katrinka - yes, you have a good point. If he is using, I will know. I guess my biggest fear is that I won't know, that he'll pull the wool over my eyes. But, I guess that kind of thing is hard to hide.
Holdontohope - yes, I did think of not telling him. I never did tell him who told me, so he still doesn't know, and I will never tell him.
Maybe, next time I'm suspicious, I won't say anything, because if he is using, and he thinks I'm suspicious, he'll be more careful. It would be better for him to think I'm not suspicious - that way, he'll be less careful, which means he'll probably mess up, and I'll find out. At least, then, I'll know.
You (and Lynnzedx56) both have a good point about me spending too much time monitoring him. Thank you for pointing that out. I think you guys are right - I should spend more time thinking about my own life, setting my boundaries, etc. I am going to try to do that.
Lynnedx56 - It's a strange thing. One one hand, he seems very willing to work on his problem....he talks about it, he looks at why he does it, he works hard to stop, he admits his slips. On the other hand, he does not seem to be willing to work any harder then that - he doesn't go to a group, or meetings, or even read a book on the topic! It's like he thinks he can solve it all through willpower, himself.
I gotta say, you bring up an AMAZING point about how good he is, when you pointed out how he let me know about his slips. I honestly never saw it that way....
...but, yes, it is very possible. After all, what better way to convince me that he is honest, then by telling me about a couple of slips?? Now, every time I confront him, he has the whole "but I'm honest, I tell you about my slips" defense. Yeah, he tells me - but I have no idea if he tells me about all of them. And, trust me, he is very intelligent - intelligent enough to realize that that is a very good defense. Thanks for pointing that out. I wouldn't have thought of it.
They are ready to make a serious effort when they are ready. In the mean time, they are hurt and confused, blind, extremely sensitive. To me, it sounds as if he's either manipulating you or really wants you to have faith in him, or both, which sounds quite odd, but extreme opposites do go hand in hand sometimes...
I totally agree with what others have said, you're focusing on his behaviour. You will know if he's using, so trust your gut feeling and take care of yourself. It's a thin line to walk on...