I've been at this for years. Through both of my husbands. And I don't know why this is so much harder the 2nd time. I left my 2nd husband at the end of 2005 and he immediately moved in with an old girlfriend. Last year he contacted me after his 19 year old daughter died of a crack overdose. We talked and I knew he was still using. And the last woman threw him out. One month later he found another "great" woman. He'd call me, say he wanted to start over and then he moved in with this latest woman. He called in October and said he'd had enough and if he could get it together could he come out here. And then one month later he married the as he called her "trailer trash, crack ho". Who had "severe" mental problems. A month after he married her, he called me and couldn't figure out why I no longer wanted to talk to him. There was a message on my answering machine last week. He'd heard I had heart surgery and wondered why I didn't call him. But it still hurts. And it hurts worse that instead of wanting to get clean and sober he would actually marry a woman who was recently released from a mental facility for SEVERE mental illness. I look at it the wrong way. Not that he has taken the "easy" road and actually "heaven" for a drug addict. I see it as she is somehow "better" than I am. And that he'd RATHER be with someone who is mentally ill, than a good, kind, woman who loved him. This man had over 5 years clean and sober at one time. And I've known him since he was 11 years old and he's 45 now. He did finally admit to me that since I left him he has gone straight downhill...the last I knew he was using 24/7 and had "graduated" to heroin, hard liquor and any pills he could find. My therapist told me you have to "grieve" at your own pace, and from what I read and what I know....millions of woman are going through the same thing as me. A good friend of mine who has 10 years now clean and sober told me that he picks her over me, because I will not tolerate the booze and the drugs...and most likely this woman is easy to manipulate. And that I have to remember he is NOT the man I knew..he is NOT clean and sober and 4 years of heavy using has most likely taken it's toll.