That's tough because they are right on the border in age level. Others may disagree, but I think kids who are around an addict or recovering addict need to at least know to report dangerous behavior to you (like mom driving weird or going to a bad neighborhood or passing out, etc.). I think if you say bad stuff about their mom, they will repeat it, but you could probably generalize it. Tell them if they are with any adult ("me, your mom, your teacher...anyone") and they are acting strange like driving bad or whatever, you want them to tell you. That will protect them a little without (1) making you the bad guy for outing her addiction or (2) leading to them saying, "Dad said you're a drug addict" or something that could be used against you in court.

Mossyhorn,

I am a mother of a four year old son and I have two brothers who are addicted to heroin who my son absolutely adores so I can empathize with what you're going through to some extent. Although I am a graduate student in Mental Health Counseling I am going to give you the best advice I can from a parental standpoint. There is a fine line between telling your children too much and setting them up for heartbreak. Your daughter is old enough to know that something is going on with her mom, but she does not know (or need to know) all the details. Don't burden her little heart with worry over things she, nor you, can control. I think the best thing to do is be honest without disclosing too much information that can affect her cognitively and emotionally. If I were in your shoes I would probably tell my daughter that her mom is sick and her sickness is making her do things that she (your daughter) may not like but that her mother loves her very much and does not do things to intentionally hurt her. Make sure she feels loved by you and her mother regardless of the behavior her mother exhibits. I hope this helps! Good luck to you. You seem like a wonderful father.

i protected my two children from the truth for as long as possible because it is outside of their understanding levels at young age. but..... i did not allow them to be in the car w/ daddy driving nor did i trust him alone w/ them very often. when the kids were old enough and had discussed such issues at school, they were ready and we have frequent discussions to talk about feelings blame shame safety etc. they are in a good place now at ages 26 and 23. probably wiser than me.

No, they do not need to know the sorted details and down falls of their mother.
When I was still married, to second husband, and my daughter was young. I asked the family counselor we were seeing if I should tell my daughter the truth. She said no, just to say he's sick and leave it at that. As she got older, I could tell her more if she asked.
Honestly I feel they don't need to be burdened with the truth, it will come out eventually. You know what they say you reap what you sow. All of my children have very little to do with their biological father. Like your ex, as time went on he wasn't dependable, and they quit wasting the energy to be with him.
If their mom get worst, get the visitation changed, to supervised only. Your children don't need to be around someone who is not capable of watching them. They are still young and your daughter isn't old enough to be the parent and watchdog.

I wondered about that very question too. The counselor that I went to told me to tell my GD the truth. She is 11 yrs old.

I told her that her Mom was not a bad person, but was doing drugs and drinking that were making her make bad choices. She already knew about the drinking. Her reply to me was " I figured that" I asked her how she would know that. She said, I'm not stupid, I watch TV and we learn about drugs in school.

We have always told her the truth, she lost her father to cancer 2 years ago and we told her the truth, as soon as we knew for sure it was Leukemia. When his time came, she told her Dad that it was okay to go.

These kids are not stupid, they are far smarter than we sometimes give them credit for.

She knows that her mother stole all her jewelery. How could we lie about that? She doesn't know about her using credit cards that she stole from her grandmother and used at an ATM machine, or that she stole from her work.. the details that don't involve her directly she doesn't know. If she asks though, she will get the truth.

I've had many people say that she shouldn't know anything??? I agree that if you have children under 10 then age appropriate discussions are okay, but after 10, they need to know the truth.

Nana - I totally agree. My grandson was 2 when his parents left to do drugs. At age 3, I took him to a play therapist to see if he had any underlying issues. Since I pretty much raised him up to that point, she said he seemed fine but that I should start telling him about drug abuse before he enters school. And I slowly did that as I felt he was ready. Now at age 11, he is pretty much in the know of most of it. This is good for 2 reasons. One, and most importantly, he doesn't think his parents just deserted him and don't love him, and two, he sees the horrors of drug use and maybe it will prevent him from ever trying it. I sure hope so :/