I wouldn't feel bad for what you are feeling, but also understand right now, your wife has to think about just herself.

Use this time to focus on yourself as an individual. Be happy that your wife is in rehab. Maybe grad a book that will prepare you for what to expect after she gets out of rehab. From what I understand, this is going to be very emotional for her. If you want to stay as a couple, she is going to need your support. Unfortunately, she isn't able to support you emotionally right now.

Good luck.

sorry, meant to say grab a book

I know how you feel. They think because they are in rehab we need to think "oh see, their finally in rehab so we need to bring everything on on their list as if to reward them. And it always what they need or want but never do they ask how are you doing. Its not in the addict to be concerned with others their number one.
A freind who husband would call and give her the list once told me "you don't have to nor need to bring them all that stuff, they have everything they need".
She was right my AD now ex had everything he needed, a bed to sleep in, food while I was still at home having to take care of everything. Did all this stuff make or help him stay clean, No!
She told me she finally told her husband to quit calling and asking for stuff, if he didn't want to call to see how she was doing then don't bother to call. He did call and was sober for about 18 yrs before he died. They were married for over 40 yrs.
Your feeling are valid. There is no reason to jump through hoops because she went to rehab. Maybe I should of said no and let him take responsibility for his own actions. he got himself there no me.

Just try to remember that an addict is the most selfish person on earth. When in active addiction, nothing is more important to them than what they crave. The best you can hope for is to see a change after she gets out of rehab, but don't set yourself up by counting on that. Your needs are important but will never be met by someone in active addiction. How are your kids doing?

My kids are doing great, my wife worked 12 hour days every other weekend since they have been alive, and I had them 7 days she had them 7 days when we were divorced for a year so I am used to having them alone and they have been away from mom in the past. My daughter (Millie) will be 7 in Feb, and all I have really told her is that mommy is sick and will be in the hospital a while. My son (Nate) will be 4 in ten days, he is too busy with blues clues to worry about anything lol. I take them to see her every time I can. The counselors have been good about letting me leave after group and bringing them back for visitation, which is against the written rules to leave and come back. Thank you for asking :)

Sounds great! Good for you!

Your feelings are valid. It's good to see you are ensuring the children see their mother as often as they can. This is for their wellbeing, not your wife's. I hope that not seeing much of them will motivate her to get and stay clean.

You have every right to feel the way you do, unfortunately you may be feeling this way for some time. Active addicts may seem selfish and think of no one, but if we cared about ourselves we wouldn't be killing ourselves and destroying all that we once loved. Recovery was a walk inside myself. I needed to be selfish where recovery was concerned. I was unable to care for myself let alone anyone else. My s/o had the same feelings you are expressing. While in recovery I did not have any idea how much I hurt everyone. It was the beginning of a long process. lori is right, she isn't able to support you emotionally right now. Our use is a deliberate attempt to shut down our emotions and recovery is the awakening of these emotions. They do not just fall back into place. The first emotions to flood back are not warm and fuzzy, far from it. All the shitty things we have done are the first emotions we process. Most often emotional trauma that led to our addiction is also uncovered during this time. Our minds still clouded and wanting to escape from all we have done tends to leave us somewhat off balance. Hang in there. When she is at that place where she is able to make amends she will. It's like learning to walk again,,, crawl,,, baby steps,, walk,,, run. When I began to run is when I was able to ask forgiveness and understand what I needed to be forgiven for. You need support as well. What are you doing for your emotional well being? Be selfish and get the support you deserve! This type of selfishness is what is needed to repair all the pieces torn. My thoughts are with you,

6,

I am not really sure what to do for myself, I have a few good friends, but nobody I can really unload all of this on. I have a very demanding job, I am upper management with a lot of hats at the facility so I run all day long helping other people with issues that come up. As soon as I get off I am running to get my two children picked up, we get home and I try to get the oldest ones homework done while I cook. We eat, I clean dishes, give them baths, try to play or read a few books for at least an hour before I put them to bed. AT THAT POINT, I have a few minutes to myself and currently I am reading a book about what the family should expect after rehab and other aspects of how the family should and should not support depending. I usually go to sleep around 9:30 or so, and get up around 5 in the morning to have a little time to get my thoughts together for the day, drink a little coffee and then get the kidd up, dressed, and breakfast served to get out the door to take them to school by 7 am so that I am only about 20 minutes late to start the work day again. :) I know a lot of folks do it all the time but I know I am not getting enough "me" time right now by any means.

I have always sort of had the personality that you don't play till the work is done, I do better when everything is in order and I know I can relax, just part of my quirks I guess, hard to feel like I can relax when I get all that done and the laundry is piled on the couch and there is a sink full of dishes I haven't even looked at yet. I have to adjust my attitude a little, just hard to quit old habits. I appreciate your thoughts, and if you don't mind me adressing you directly I may ask your inside advice on occasion to possibly help me understand where she is or what she may be thinking. God Bless

Mossyhorn I understand your situation, your thought process and the questions you pose to yourself. While other members have already given you their perspective on your wife's behavior, let me add that all the dimensions of what you have read so far are true. What I mean is Megansnana is right...addicts are incredibly self-absorbed and selfish BUT it is also true that an addict in recovery is incapable of putting their energy elsewhere. That said, I can tell that in a visit yesterday with my stepson who is in residential rehab, he put out that he knows part of his responsibility in recovery is building goodwill and reparations with his family. I know he said this because of the treatment he is getting from the staff. So, my advice is to be attune to how her treatment team can help you and her children by helping her become aware of your collective needs. Second, I would say that you can and should put out what you aren't getting from her, in a straightforward way without anger. That's going to be hard. But, it is important that she hear from you - "I'd appreciate a thank you" or "I know this is a hard time for you, and I am proud of you, but it is a hard time for me, too." Last, don't expect her to give you what you need but please, please, get the support and/or respite you need from others, if only in this forum.

You are working full time in your job, as well as being basically a single parent, no wonder you are tired and running all the time to get things done. If you can, consider hiring some help, like a few hours a week of cleaning or something like that. I've recommended in another post that you see a therapist on your own, and I'm mindful that this will come at a cost in terms of precious time, but I think it's necessary given the kind of help you're getting from the rehab center. Is it possible to negotiate reduced hours at work for a time, or taking a vacation day once a week for a time. You are pouring so much of yourself into other people (and much of that is unavoidable, eg children), I hope you are able to carve out some time to restore your own energy. This will help you keep things in better balance emotionally. You are doing great - it's an extremely challenging situation.