Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi
I am a 49 year old woman. I decided to post about myself rather than focus on my boyfriend and what I fear about him . We are both sex love addicts in recovery. He actually spent 10 months in prison for possession of child pornography. Before you jump to conclusions, I also had an affair with my son's best friend so I don't consider myself to be any better. I was lucky enough I waited until he was 19 but had been talking with him when he was under age. Anyway, my boyfriend and I are very much in love with each other but don't seem to be intellectually compatible. We started out as friends while I was going through a divorce. He helped me through it. We met for dinner once and I had no physical attraction to him during my separation from my husband, but then the next dinner we kissed and fire works struck. I felt intense desire and we were and still are both addicted to each other sexually.
My dilemma is that instead of really working on me and how I can change to make this relationship work, i am tempted to run into the arms of another man or develop an emotional attachment to another man which usually leads to sex.
I don't want to give up on this man inspite of his past and the fact that his family basically wants nothing to do with me because we have broken up so many times and they think I am crazy.
I'm so conflicted as to what to do. We were broken up for one week last week and I had asked him to move out. I felt like I was dying. I felt so alone. Our love brought us back but for me, I'm feeling very needy and I do not like it.
Thank you for listening.
I am a 49 year old woman. I decided to post about myself rather than focus on my boyfriend and what I fear about him . We are both sex love addicts in recovery. He actually spent 10 months in prison for possession of child pornography. Before you jump to conclusions, I also had an affair with my son's best friend so I don't consider myself to be any better. I was lucky enough I waited until he was 19 but had been talking with him when he was under age. Anyway, my boyfriend and I are very much in love with each other but don't seem to be intellectually compatible. We started out as friends while I was going through a divorce. He helped me through it. We met for dinner once and I had no physical attraction to him during my separation from my husband, but then the next dinner we kissed and fire works struck. I felt intense desire and we were and still are both addicted to each other sexually.
My dilemma is that instead of really working on me and how I can change to make this relationship work, i am tempted to run into the arms of another man or develop an emotional attachment to another man which usually leads to sex.
I don't want to give up on this man inspite of his past and the fact that his family basically wants nothing to do with me because we have broken up so many times and they think I am crazy.
I'm so conflicted as to what to do. We were broken up for one week last week and I had asked him to move out. I felt like I was dying. I felt so alone. Our love brought us back but for me, I'm feeling very needy and I do not like it.
Thank you for listening.
If you don't do this you will continue to struggle with the neediness. It will be tough going initially, but really thoroughly working a 12 step program will help you to break the addictive cycle, and be so worth it in the long run, and then you will be able to enjoy a balanced and healthy relationship..
I also wonder about a larger pattern in your life that could be related to the abuse you experienced as a child. Your relationship with your son's friend was a repeat of what happened to you (although he was older). Now you are in a relationship with a man who possessed child pornography, which implies he's sexually attracted to children. I think this is a pattern that definitely deserves some reflection and probably discussion with a therapist.
Everything that you say about this man seems to be about a relationship that is not stable and is based on an addiction to each other sexually. As a person who has been married for 32 years, I can tell you that a healthy relationship is about so much more than sex. You deserve someone that you can count on to be there for you, no matter what, and to build a life together. A good partner shares your values and is a good companion. Take some time to explore what your own values and interests are and why you are looking for relationships based on sex.
You don't have to give up on him. Continue to be his friend, if you can keep it platonic.
When you finally feel that you are comfortable with your life without a man, that's when you may be ready to have a relationship. Then look for common interests and values and establish a strong foundation before becoming involved sexually.
I just have a pattern of reaching out to another man if I feel I don't get enough attention which I do get but it never seems to be enough.
I just started to see a therapist. I still have no idea if tim and I will break up. I do know that even if I do let him go and spend time alone, the next man I meet will most likely have addiction issues. Every single man I have been involved with is similar to myself. I'm not making excuses, I just want to give you a clearer picture of the situation. I listed the pros and cons of staying with Tim and the pros far outway the cons.
Maybe you are right. Only time will tell.
I really appreciate your insight.
There is no proof he has been viewing porn, however his spam folder had links from dating sites and girls looking to hook up. I have no idea why he does not delete these. Also, on his Skype away messages, there were messages that contained words to hook up with females looking to do inappropriate acts. I contronted him and of course he said he had not been on and he hasn't because our software protection doesn't show Skype activity.
I told him he and his son do not have to leave. His son is my priority. I honestly feel in my head the emotional tie has been severed. I'm done. I would like to be friends someday. This is really hard.
I have almost no way of meeting decent people in my area. I will try though.
Thank you
Cissy