A boundary would be if she uses, she gets right back on her program so it doesn't go back into full active addiction. How long do you plan to give her? No longer will it be okay for her to keep relapsing. I'm not sure of her drug of choice but if she hung out with others who also did drugs with her, she has to cut those ties.
Its hard to set boundaries and stick with them, also don't keep checking to make sure she is doing the correct thing. Let her handle her recovery. It is normal to worry is she clean, or can you believe her. But you have to let her worry about that, be supportive but don't do it for her. Instead its more like you expect her to stay clean, if she relapses you understand but she gets right back on track, no excuses.
Have in your mind how long you want to keep being with her if she continually relapses. A relapse is short lived, full blown is when she is back into the addiction mode that got her to rehab in the first place.

Here drugs of choice are hydrocodone and muscle relaxers, which she will drink beer with. I have not directly asked her if she uses with anyone but I don't think she does, but I suspect she has a network of a few friends that use and they "share" when one of them runs out. I know most of what she got was scripted to her, but have no idea if she bought any from the street and if so from who, I plan to discuss that with her today at visitation so that I can try to find my boundaries with what you mention today. Thank you for your input. God bless.

I'm in the same shoes. TOday my hubby came home from NA with 90 days clean...I"m excitied but I may need a boundary set if he falls. He has relapsed so many times as he will quit for a week and sometimes months and go back....but this time he did a program/and NA classes and see him taking it more serious than ever. I like your boundary Katrinka and will talk soon to my therapist about it. Something for sure to think about. This may sound tough but plan on having him leave or I leave as I have been down this road to many times.....I do not need another 13 years of drugs. I will have to see if that is to harsh. To painful to keep forgiving...I understand 1-2 relapses but over 20 is time for goodbye...I will write up a plan with my theapist. Good Luck Mossyhorn as I know how you feel.

After thinking about this today I am considering writing myself a letter, outlining the pain I feel and outlining the boundaries and consequences that I feel fair to me. I also am thinking of including my last straw, what will be unacceptable in terms of relapse or active addiction. If I write it now and refer back to it as/if these things come up it may help to keep the boundaries. Just a thought, not exactly sure what to do at this point, but the time for me to be sure is close at hand.

Purple when someone relapses it is short lived when they use 20 times it is full blown back in the addiction.
I hope your husband does well and it sounds like he maybe willing to make a change.
Good luck
Mossyhorn, writing is a excellent way to get the thoughts down, then you can go back and read them at a later date, It helped me to see how nothing had really changed with my ex and eventually I grew strong and ended it, he was continually relapsing and other things.

Also don't let her tell you she didn't have a problem drinking so she can now drink. She no longer has that privilege her brain will not know the different. Only that it likes the high but will eventually want the high she got from pills and drinking. Addicts try to say well I didn't have a problem drinking so I can drink. Not true... most drink to maintain until they get to use the drugs they really want.

Oh forgot to mention I also journal and have been doing it for over 5 years. This way if he goes back to addiction then I can look the journal over and realize I've been supportive but a wife can only handle so much pain and then I will feel better in my decision to leave. I agree its a lifelong disease but I feel I've stuck by 13 years and many of the years were painful and with any disease the person has to want to help themself and if they don't then I can not stay in a relationship for another 13 years with an addict. I really do hope this time therapy works for both of us, right now I really see a change I've never seen with my husband. It's scary as I'm in shock but have my guard up too. The other times he quit on his own he would drink and I was ok with drinking as I knew it was never his addiction problem BUT when I look back the drinking got worse and he wanted a buzz faster and drank more and more. I would tell myself well at least its not pills. Back then I did not have Nar-Anon or any support and thought if its not pills then I should be glad and did not know he should not drink either. Doing other things that were not the addicts drug of choice only leads to cross-addiction like Katrinka said and the mind only knows it likes any type of alochol/drug---and once you quit one you can NOT pick up another one. THey have told my husband NOTHING...no drinking, no pot, no pills, nothing. He believes it now and says ALL of them are mind altering substances so Mossyhorn please don't let her tell you she can still have beer or a glass of wine. I must say I have to change my life style as I could have 1-2 glasses of wine at dinner but if I'm with my husband I do not do it anymore. If once a month I decide to have a glass of wine I do it with my girfriends. I threw out all the alcohol at my house. Try going to some Nar-Anon or Al-anon classes or a support group. I go to Well Place and love it....very supportive. I work on me and he works on him. ((Hugs))

When my son was in rehab the counselor had us complete a recovery plan/contract that helped set the boundaries for us. The counselor was there to help us work through the areas of disagreement.

Of course the categories will be different for an adult, but there should be some overlap.

We came up with a list of friends that were not safe. We talked about places where he could not hang out and made agreements about cell phone and driving privileges. He came up with a list of people he could do things with that would support recovery and a list of sober activities that he used to enjoy. We made a plan for completing high school. He made agreements on how many meetings he would attend each week and that he would take his prescribed medicines.

There were two areas where we had major disagrements while writing the contract. He felt that he should not have to give up his using friends and he felt that it was OK to drink alcohol and smoke marijuana as long as he didn't use harder drugs. Ultimately these were the two issues that led to his relapse.

When you discuss these issues, you will see what is hardest for her to let go of. If she insists on continuing to drink, for example, that's a big signal that she is not ready for recovery. That's where you'll need to draw a line in the sand or it's a guarantee she will go back to using. On an issue like this, consequences will need to be severe. She agrees up front to quit all drugs and alcohol or she can't come home.

Also set boundaries about being treated with respect, lying, etc., but the consequences on these don't need to be as severe. Let her know, for example, that if she calls you names or shouts at you, you will leave the house for two hours or you will sleep in a separate room. Then do it.

If her drug use caused financial troubles, then you may have some boundaries to set regarding her access to money. If she's driving while impaired, you may need to have an agreement about use of the car unless she passes drug tests. Expect big fights on these two because she's an adult and will expect to be treated like one. On the other hand, you can't set yourself up to be wiped out financially or to be on the hook if she kills someone while driving impaired in a car that you both own.

Best of luck to you on this. My son also is an opiate addict and this is really tough to quit. He spent two months in rehab and was released March 31. He was back on pills three days later. The entire contract went out the window. He ultimately was able to get back off the pills in August, but kept drinking and smoking pot and hanging out with the same group of friends. He developed an alcohol problem and we had to make him leave our house. Just two weeks ago he got back on the pills. This weekend he finally admitted that we were right about his friends and the use of marijuana and alcohol and is asking us to send him back to rehab. We'll see if he means it.

There are stories about people who go to rehab once and succeed in staying clean. There are just as many stories about people who have to go multiple times. You really can't predict how this will turn out, so go into this with your eyes wide open, high hopes, and no expectations.

I was clean almost 2 years the first time I stopped. My relapse lasted 1, &1/2 years. Kat is correct, we pick up where we left off and our addiction multiplies very fast. Reason for the duration of my relapse is because I was in a dysfunctional relationship,,, long story,, but under normal circumstances it was easy to see I had relapsed after about a couple months. When I came out of treatment the first time I did not go to meetings nor did I seek counselling. I had the mind set that it was behind me and I didn't talk about it. What triggered my relapse was a very stressful event. I had not acquired new coping skills and fell right back into old behaviours. What has been different for me this time is that I go to meetings, I have been seeing a therapist for 4 yrs 4months,,,( 1st 3 years regularly, now once a month sometimes once every 2 months) Most important I never let my guard down, I know addiction will swallow me up again the first chance it gets. My addiction is not my past! I am an addict and I always will be. My work is to keep myself emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually healthy. Addicts in recovery need to be making steps forward changing old behaviours. We don't do this alone. My advise is insisting a relapse prevention program is in place. The counsellor will help with this. If she fails to live by her prevention program I would ask her to move out. Cell phone number needs to be changed. Friends she had during her use are OFF LIMITS! If she is serious about her recovery none of this will be difficult for her to agree with. I hope this helps. My thoughts are with you.

Donna,

I am still trying to figure out what all the drug use did cause troubles with, money has always been an issue with her, and I know she has driven and driven my children under the influence several times. I must have been a blind fool but I loved and trusted her for 10 years and she used for at least 5 years before I ever found out. She was just good at hiding the evidence, and she never really looked overly impaired unless she drank with the pills and I always just thought she couldn't hold her liquor.

When I found out about the pills and confronted her she left me 3 days later for a guy that she had been seeing behind my back for about 3 months, I was devistated, but I decided there was nothing I could do but look out for me and my children, and I know it sounds bad but I let her have her pills back and took her to the cleaners in the divorce. I got the house, no child support, got joint equal custady of the kids, kept my 401K and gave her all the credit cards that I didn't know we had. I decided that if I was financially ok and kept a stabil home, and she stayed high that it was just a matter of time before I got full custody of my children.

With some help from family and friends I was bill free with the exception of the house payment (thank goodness I paid my truck off about 6 months prior). It is not a good feeling to go through wondering where you will live and how you will pay for things when you loose half your income, and she actually made more money than me.

When we got back together we did marriage counseling with a preacher at a church we joined, and he really wanted us to get married a little quicker than I was comfortable with, it was staggering how quickly (in my mind) she threw me and our family away the last time, but she swore she was off the pills and would have never done that sober. But a little voice in my head told me I wasn't ready to completely trust her, so I had a friend of mine in town that is a lawyer draw up a prenup, the house is mine regardless, my vehicles are mine, etc...basically whoevers name it is in keeps it in the event of a split, bills included. I also protected my checking and savings accounts, and the kids savings accounts because she drained all of them before our divorce, and I protected my 401k.

All of that said I have created some boundaries already I think, to ensure that me and my children will at least have a decent place to live and enough money to live a decent life alone if needed. I felt bad when I get her to sign the prenup and she really didn't want to, but you don't know how glad I am of it now.

On her side she has created a mess for herself, she filed bankruptcy on all hers bills and her car when we were divorced, now I am sure her nursing license is at least suspended if not gone for good depending on what she works out with the state board, I don't know that the pills are directly to blame, but it sure looks to me at this point that they didn't help her decision making over the last two years.