Read my detachment post ,,,

Hi there,

This is one of the harderst thing to accomplish. It's vital though, for our sanity.

My addict is my brother. He is a heroin addict. I could have never expected such an out of this world thing to happen to our family. It took me years to detach and I still have a hard time separating the person from the addict.

It's a long process, detachement, and you really have to set your mind to it. It's like learning a totally new thing.

Addiction has several symptoms depending on the drug of choice. What you need to do is see the symptoms for what they are, symptoms.

I keep saying to myself that my brother is not a selfish, unreliable, dirty, smelly con, who is on a mission to destroy himself and everyone around him. I mean, I know him, we grew up together..

So, I keep his vision in my mind as he used to be and try to convince myself that this too shall pass.. I'm hoping for the best while preparing for the worst.

It's a crazy thing to do, but it's one of the few things that help us from getting crazy ourselves... I hope I helped a bit. I guess you'll be asking your therapist about it too..

In reading your profile, it says you were a victim of child abuse...was he the abuser? because to me that is a completely different can of worms..
My son is my alcoholic. I hated what he did to himself and to us and to my "image" of family...I hated the money for lawyers (till I stopped) and bailing him out (till I stopped) and sometimes I almost hated him. I had visualized him dead, and at peace and us living with peace....
and now he is sober.
In fundamental christian churches they say "love the sinner, hate the sin"...( I am uber liberal, so the people they are referring to, are usually not sinners to me- ie gays) ANYway, that is kind of the idea.
following that train of thought, and I am making the assumption that your dad was abusive to you...here we go with my suggetions...

a list of good on one side and bad on the other of things about dad

on the bad side, how many of those bad things were related to his alcoholism? some? all? most?

Is there anything you can think of that you like about him as a person? is there anything anyone else likes about him?

Can you see how this might be able for you to separate the two? Kind of like if someone has cancer, and they are miserable and awful while they are sick, but when they are feeling ok, they are the person you love....alcoholism is a disease....
that being said, I do not believe that being an alcoholic absolves anyone of any wrong doing that they did while the were drinking...My son went to jail for things that he did, and although he could have had probation (had he not shown up for it wasted), jail did no good for him, but gave his liver time to recover until he got out.

If your dad is an active alcoholic, and he is your abuser, I don't know why you would want to talk to him at all...I think this might be an interesting post for you to put on the Alcoholism board here on ds and see what the alchies have to say about it...

If your dad was sober, and trying to make amends (12 step amends) I would see things alot differently.

And just because someone is your biological father, doesn't mean that you have to come from the same planet....you don't have to like someone, or talk alot with them or hang out together...trust us, we don't hang out with our addicts when they are using...and I certainly wouldn't feel like talking to someone who was abusive to me... but I get it...see them as a human being and an addict separately...

Welcome. I think this is very interesting. I would love to know the Alcoholics' points of view....

It is like putting up a bubble, when your dad is drinking you ignore his bad behavior and simple say he is in addict mode. When dad is not drinking enjoy talking with him or hanging out. Try to find something you both could talk about and not bring up his drinking. Try to slowly build up some kind of relationship.
Addiction is similar in to diabetes, both are diseases. Diabetes is a slow progressive disease, if the person doesn't take their insulin they will get very sick. They can lose limbs, eyesight, die as can an addict if they don't get their disease under control they also will do damage to their body organs and could die. Many diabetes do not stick to their diets and this will make them sick and also can make them have some strange behavior.
We look at the diabetic and see a person who has a disease we do not treat them like a druggie. Instead we feel for them, an addict we treat badly. Maybe when they come up with an cure or some type of shot or pill to help them get their disease under control we will see them differently.
I know a alcoholic can be mean and abusive, if your dad is like this when he is drinking remove yourself from the situation. If he is sober hang out with him and try not to judge his actions. Try to remember some good times and use them as an opening to start a dialog.

I should have given my background .

Dad was an alcoholic from the time i was born ... He is a cop not in USA though..My mom killed herself setting ablaze when i was 6.. So i always missed mom all my life.

Dad is always angry and me and my elder brother have been terrified by him since childhood..He would beat us up and yell, scream for no reasons (abuse)... He did drink everyday .. He never got help for his alcoholism.. There were times he did take care of us so well ( initial loss of my mom) .. there were times we are terrified of him...

I dont talk to him so much as others do... He sounds so illogical and narcissist in several ways. he is a kind of person who will help and at the same time throw a tantrum at u ... making that help worthless.

Dad and I were good friends until i married against his will and from then on huge wall.. Now i am in USA away from him but i never feel like talking to him because when i talk to him it just doesnt feel like there is any emotional bonding at all on both sides .I just cant differentiate him with his disease.. Sometimes i wondered if its his character that is calling for the abuse or the disease of alcoholism..

Maybe you should consider getting some counseling to help you. It sounds like you have a lot of issues you need to work through on a personal level.
I grew up in a abusive, alcoholic home environment but I have learned to except my family for who they are. I also control the amount of time I spend with them. As my dad has gotten older he is not abusive at all to me. He had all his all baggage from his own childhood which made him the way he was. Looking back step-mom was much more abusive then him.
You have to do what is best for you.

Yes i have been in counselling for 8 months now.I am a codependent, Adult child of alcoholic and friends and family to addicts..

I have been going to this inner child healing therapy and have been talking a lot about childhood and childhood traumas and my therapist has been great help... All that i wanted to know is how do you differentiate disease vs dad which i think i got answers for. Thanks.

That is great you are seeking therapy, but this is not an easy task that is completed overnight. It take time, it Takes understanding the disease, understanding yourself, the addict and your relationship. Once you have gotten to place where you can understand all of those components you can then understand how to separate the addict from the person. I don't know if I completely understand how to do it yet either. Hugs to you

Its taken me 3 yrs of counseling to get pass my pass. It never really bothered me, but it made me see why I chose the men I did and how never to make that mistake again.
I forgive my dad and step mom, I won't forget what happened but it made me the person I am, for the good and the bad. I also know they came from their own dysfunctional families and hopefully I stopped some of this dysfunction in my future generations.