Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

1,905 Members

8,121 Posts

0 Online

bpulli1 10/02/2013

last night I got my mom to spend the night with us since she says she is going to try and get clean. She ask me to do something for her but I never got around to it. My boys had alot of homework and it was after 9 by the time I finished with all of them. This morning my mom made the comment "I know your children come first with you, you just put me somewhere down the list." It really tee'd me off because she was mad because I didn't do what she ask. Am I suppose to not get there homework done because she needs me to do something that she can very well do herself. The attitudes drive me crazy. I do all I can do for but this since of entitlement because you are mother gets on my nerves. I really want her to do good but I can't put her before everything else to make sure she does. Sometimes I wish I could just get away from everything. Needless to say I am at work in a very funky mood.

pinkpony66 10/02/2013

She is a big girl and should be thankful she has an adult child willing to risk their sanity and family to take her in. Don't get caght up in her bs. If she is t happy with the help you are offering then show her the door

deleted_user 10/02/2013

I totally agree with Pink - and unless you've agreed to allow her to be your dependent (in the eyes of the law & tax regulations) then it's by your choice whom you cater to first - being a mom this is a no brainier and your kids (especially underage) should come first. As a mom myself, you need to take lots of extra precautions to shield your kids from such an influence. Kids are like sponges that can and will absorb more than you can imagine.

Anyway, she is an adult and needs to be working her own recovery and not depending on you to meet her needs (that in itself is enabling). Also, unless she is actively participating in a recovery program, outwardly proving that she's attending meetings and not becoming a burden on your life then you need to seriously consider showing her the door.

The disease of addiction is hard enough on family and loved ones and to have young innocent children in the middle of a harmful situation could affect them for years - so my advice is to continue being a mom to your kids and make sure you continually assess their situation given your mom's presence in the home.

Wishing you all the best in this situation...

katrinka 10/02/2013

I think your mom has a narcissistic personality and she has been this way for so long, and she is not going to change. In AA they have a name for people like this, King Baby and the world revolves around them. When she says this stuff ignore her, learn to detach. The only one miserable today was you! Learn how to not obsess about her, and next time you ask her to spend the night make it a time when you can sit and talk with her.

bpulli1 10/02/2013

I know all of you are right. My five year old told me nobody does anything for me and I about came unglued. I know it is innocent coming from him but I have heard that so many times before whether from my mom or my brother. I have worked so hard to give them a good life and not be a victim of my own circumstances (my childhood). Sometimes I want to tell her I don't owe her anything. She was an addict until I was 17 years old before she was sober for 15 and went back. I have had a job since 14. God allowed my grandparents to stay alive long enough for me to be able to take care of me and brother. I am past tired of her right.

dmatt124 10/02/2013

Your mom knows you are kind and loving, and it seems that she knows you will always be there. I had a sister in law, that was exactly like you, my MIL not an addict but a very selfish and self-serving person, knew that my sister in law would always forgive her no matter what cold and calculating thing she did. But you see my husband would not allow her nonsense, so she never, ever did to him what she would do to my SIL. People will continuously do what we allow them to get away with. It's ok, to say NO.

blueviolet725 10/03/2013

you know what? you said it yourself. You really DO NOT owe her anything. she is the parent. Her problems are not like an aging parent. she is an addict.
You are correct again in the fact that your children can pick up some of those behaviors...and it is innocent.
My only caution to you is to not over give to your kids to make up for what you didn't have. My kids had to help me a lot growing up because their dad always traveled for work and this helped them become very able adults.
We all only do the best we can with what we know at the time. If you know now, that your mom is too toxic for you, than any painful choice you make in her reguards will eventually bring you peace.
You sound like quite a strong woman and a wonderful mom!

jen50 10/03/2013

Blue, you are a wise woman! Lol
Bpulli1.....you don't owe your mom anything. Addicts are notorious for manipulating the ones they love. Don't be sucked in to her dysfunction. If she is doing everything she can for herself, clean, and sober, AND when you are able AND want to offer help it would be very "giving" of you. It sounds as though you are a great mom to your kids, and your priorities are spot on!
Hang in there. Peace.....

Join the Conversation