Now that she is gone, you have space and time to reflect, because you're not watching her every move and constantly worrying about what might happen. Alot of incredibly strong feelings will come to the surface for you. It's part of the grief and loss process.

Even the word "grief" might anger you, because how dare she cause so much pain. This is a legitimate feeling. You are grieving for the loss of your dreams, wishes, plans and intentions. The addiction won. You couldn't beat it and keep your wife. Being angry is completely understandable.

Know that you did not fail. You didn't lose the battle. You did your best, which is all anyone can do.

When you have worked through the stages of grief you will be able to let her go, she will become a memory, the woman who gave birth to your children, who was in your life for a time, who you went to hell and back with. But she will be gone.

To get there, you process the grief, the feelings, the anger. If you want some tips on how to make this easier on yourself we can post some links and quotes for you. But it may be just that you needed to vent today, and that is fine too.

We don't get over grief. Or under it. Or around it. We can only go through it.

HoldOnToHope said it all. If you have access to grief support, it helps so much to get it out with others who understand.

I would still recommend going to Al-Anon. The more you understand about how horrific this disease is to addicts and families, the easier it may be to get through bitterness. Bitterness eats you up from the inside out, so get all of the help you can.

im proud of you and also wish you so much strenght. i know it must be so hard.contact me anytime.

I had to mad also but that is the process of grieving.
Just know you did the right thing in your marriage, your still there for your children who need one stable adult. It gets easier as time goes on.
Addicts manipulate, a selfish the world revolves around them and the sad thing is they do all of this and don't realize it for the most part.
Hopefully when you are ready you will find someone who shares your values and isn't a addict.
Hugs.

I too highly recommend Alanon. When my 1st husband came out of rehab I was told the first year would be incredible hard. He was working on his sobriety and I had to work on me. For him to stay sober, it HAD to be all about him. And we fought all the time that first year. In fact, at least at that time, very few marriages made it through the first year of recovery. I was told you go two separate ways and if you are lucky (or want to), you sometimes come back together. Looking back, I'm sorry we stayed together at all. And I had a lot of anger...no I had RAGE!!!!! So, what you feel is perfectly normal. Whatever it takes to get to the next level. Alanon helped tremendously. And even if she is never a part of your life again, your life was touched by an addict. And you can learn so much there.

Fighting is all we did since she got out, even when I tried to not make a fight out of something that was bothering me it seemed to fall into a head to head brick wall of an arguement. When she walked out I was very upset that night, thinking that I can't believe it is really over, but instead of that thought overwhelming me for months like it did last time I got up the next morning with mixed emotions. Yes I miss her, but in a strange way it is calm at my house, and a lot of anxiety has left me. I actually have no problem eating or sleeping like I did when we divorced the first time.

Who knows what the future will hold, she is living with her grandma and has no income at the moment. She asked me if the kids could stay with her last Sunday night and I said no. I told her that just since she has problems, and she chose to leave, that I don't see why the kids routines should be effected. They live in my house, they will sleep at my house on every school night, and they will go about their regular schedule exactly as they did when she was in rehab. I told her she is more than welcome to see them a couple of nights a week, and every other week-end they can stay with her either on Friday or Saturday night as long as they were home in time to get ready for church on Sunday morning. We have barely talked since.

You're making good decisions, but you have a long road ahead. I wish the guys in my Al-Anon group, who went through divorces and have children, were able to talk with you and support you. Try to find a group with guys in it. You won't regret it.

I have attended two Al-anon meetings here in town, it is mostly guys, small group, 5 guys, and 2 ladies, one of which is married to one of the guys as they are there for support with an addict child. I missed last week because of no baby sitter for the kids, and most likely will miss tonight for the same reason.

Even as she moved out she rode the fence, "i need time". A few days later I asked her if she was taking time but still intended on trying to maintain a marriage or if she is saying politely that she is gone for good and wishes to divorce, her answer "I don't know, I need time to think". I asked her if she wanted to attend any marriage counseling while we were apart, she said "yes" but she will not attend church with me when I ask so that we can discuss it with our preacher that did our couseling prioir to the remarriage. I have asked her if she would like to go out and eat this Friday night for her Birthday which is Saturday, she didn't say anything, just smiled at me. This is how she always treated me on so many levels, telling me a little that she thinks I want to hear, but leaving out some words or actions so that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. I may just be gun-shy and over analyzing but she has been on the fence with me for a long time, and she will have to get on one side or the other of it soon or I will move it for her soon.

It sound like you both had alot of problems for a long time and neither one is really wanting to put forth alot of effort to fix the marriage.
Maybe the best thing is to take some time apart. Have no contact except for children and have set times she gets children, arranged so it good for not only yours and her schedule but good for the children. Its best to have kids on their schedule during the week and then she gets them every other weekend. If you divorce the judge will let her have them every other weekend and I know for me kids didn't have to be home until 6pm sunday night.
Sometimes we have to take two steps back and let the addict just do whatever while we take care of ourselves.

If she is truly trying to work a program, she will be told NOT to make any major decisions for the first year. That includes a divorce. I wouldn't push it on either side. Let her do what she has to do. And while she is gone, do what YOU have to do. Take this time for YOU to recover. Addiction/alcoholism is a FAMILY illness. It affects everyone in the family. Find a babysitter. You say she is staying with her grandmother? Is it possible for her to spend that time while you are at a meeting with her children at the grandmothers?? You also say you were married to this woman before? It didn't work once and you remarried her? I think you have a lot to think about. I'm also not sure I would do marriage counseling at the church. Does the rehab that she was in offer couples counseling. I know when my ex got out of rehab we went back there for couples counseling. I never found it helpful to do counseling with someone who was not VERY familiar with addiction. And a lot of ministers really aren't. The addiction is getting in the way of the relationship. You know I used to look at the relationship that my ex and I had....if it had not been for the fact that he loved crack more than me....there was nothing wrong with the relationship. When he was in recovery, we communicated, loved each other and had a really good relationship based on trust. In fact, I think that is what is the hardest when we deal with an addicted spouse. You can't fight booze or drugs. You can't win. If it was just the "normal" problems in a relationship, you'd stand a chance. You can be the best partner, the best parent, the best lover and you can't compete with drugs or booze. And That is what is the hardest for me.

Here are some of my hurdles for what you guys are talking about.

She has meetings every night, sometimes twice a night depending on after care at the CDU and AA/NA, so she has basically been gone since she went in as far as she and I seeing each other, that does put a strain on any communication when you have about 30 min busted up in 3 sessions an evening to talk. However that is another post sometime. Al-anon has meetings here in town at 7pm on Wednesday nights, she has a meeting from 6-7pm on the same night at a different facility. So by the time she gets back to my house from town it is almost 7:20, I asked prior to us seperating if there was any chance she could leave early, split up every other week, anything to share responsibility and both be able to accomodate each other. NO CHANCE, she said she could not miss one night a week in any way.

When we joined the church and went to counseling the preacher told us that he had also been an addict in his late teens and early twenty's. He did not tell us details of his addiction, and all he said was he had a "life changing event" that prompted him to recovery and to the life serving Christ that he lives now. He is a very inteligent man, I respect him in a lot of ways. At that time he said that the AA program was a good one, but he disagreed in one way that AA tells you that you will always be an addict, he said he disagrees with that, that placement of a permanant burden he felt was incorrect and he believed that God can take that away from you if you allow him to. I agree with that statement but with my little knowledge of AA they try to skate around God, they want you to have a higher power, but the book even offers for AA to be your higher power if you do not believe, I can see the intention of that, but I can also see that as saying it is ok to go through this without God if you are so inclined to believe there is not one. Our preacher asked if Mandy would talk with him, I gave him her number and to my knowledge she has not called, or if she has it is not something either of them wished to share with me.

I have not handled everything correctly during this process, and I have no idea what will happen, but I tend to think the worst with her due to the worst is usually what is happening behind my back, and the time apart is actually nice in ways, but I feel myself wondering how long I can sit by in idle. I have a personality that I do better with a plan, and hanging in limbo and her not talking with me tends to lean me toward making sure my plan with me and the kids is set.

Sounds like she is doing everything she needs to do to stay clean this time. And that is what I was talking about. You feel left out. This is not a time for you and her to talk. This woman is fighting for her life. And, naturally, you feel left out. I would not expect anything different of her for the first year. I know it's hard for you. And you are angry and upset and that is natural. That is why there are programs for us. And why you should take advantage of this time to work on you. No, you don't know what the future holds. And, no, it might not be fair to have to wait. But I have to say, I applaud what she is doing. I would have been so happy if my ex had stuck to a program like she seems to be doing. Of course, I am a big believer in AA. But, I have been in and around the program of AA and Alanon since 1974. And yes, we call it a higher power, but most of us choose God as our higher power. AA is just "skirted" the God issue as a way to appeal to those people who want nothing to do with God. You would be amazed at how many people are turned off by the thought of God doing it. And AA does talk about God taking away the obssession. And if this man is truly a counselor, what she says to him is between her and him. You feel left out. I understand. But let her do what she needs to do. When my 1st husband got sober, he was at meetings 3 times a day. And it sucked. We did not talk, there was no time. But I let him do what he had to do. There was no marriage during that time. But I am so glad he did that now. We later had 8 years of his continuous sobriety.

You know, I never thought I had options such as no one to watch my kids. But when push came to shove, I found options. I also have been known to drive an hour to get to a meeting.

Again, this is about you. Not her. Work on you. Whether or not she comes back. You have no marriage when she is using, so what is the difference?