You know, even prisoners get parole...
you have stuck it out a long time. Only you can tell when it is time to give up and walk away...
but the meeting someone at meetings to go drink with is a load of crap. And it certainly will worsen his depression and cause more anxiety...for both of you.
I think you have a right to express yourself calmly, in the light of day and tell him that his choices are unacceptable..and what you intend to do. But don't say it if you won't do it.
think long and hard...because I am sure there are financial implications.
NOT to make light of your situation...I am married 33 years....my husband had strokes about 12 years ago...we went over our financials...I told him "I am fine if you died, (financially) and we are ok if you are disabled...but I am screwed if you ever divorce me, so if you ever try, you will be dead or disabled" JOKE...
but the money thing has to be carefully planned.
NOW- why can't you go out and you go away for a weekend and treat yourself to some peace and pleasure?

You don't have to leave, but you don;t have to live the life you have now. Dream. Think about what would make you happy...or at least have peace.
Glad you are back, and hope you can get some support here.

He's lying, they all lie. For me I can't take the alcoholic BS anymore, the bad moods, the abusive talk, blaming me for his drinking, oh and being shit faced telling me he only had one beer. Well after decades of this (25 years), I no longer love him. As Blueviolet said we all deserve happiness and peace. Clearly it wasn't an easy decision for me to come to. But I believe (for me) I can not find peace or happiness with an alcoholic.
You do have some decisions to make, and I honestly believe that it's too difficult living with this highly inappropriate behaviour. It takes a lot of courage to face this. You don't have to live like this. He has made his choices, he's not getting help, he's lying to you and himself. Tell him to call you when he's been clean and sober for 2 years! It the behaviour that speaks louder than words.
I hope you find your peace.

im with you!!!!!! Lying, manipulation, refusal to accept responsibility for their actions DENIAL, blah blah blah. I'm close to retirement age,, pretty much I'm here for the money, I've worked too hard for the last 35 years to struggle financially on half of our " financial empire".
Two weeks ago I lost my shit ( found a bottle under his train village ( another expensive hobby he lost interest in) I knocked over some of the village and trains. Now, so what, I broke his toys, but that is not who I want to be and the anger frustration and meanness need to be worked on. So here I am! I also re read " women who love too much " I recommend this book ( skip the beginning, the second half has the good stuff). He almost killed me yesterday while nodding off the highway going 70 mph. Yup!!! It's time for major changes over here. I made him pull over and I got us safely home. The Good Lord and the Angels were looking out for us. Even this... He was nasty and un-emotional. And full of excuses. He couldn't or wouldn't understand that even though he had only one drink ( this was true ) the pocket full of pain Meds also count. Last time I'm in a car with him behind the wheel.
It's seven in the morning, I'm so depressed.... But I'm going to yoga now. Tuesday night it's al- anon.
Love to you all.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in my twenties...Best thing in my life was that HE left me....I lived through all this crap without drugs or alcohol...I had to start over with nothing. Lost my house, business, had to relocate...and it was all worth it.
Change is scary. Maybe it only happens when we are so miserable that there is no other way out but change...or the abuser leaves us....the free ride people.
My addict/ alcoholic was my son. now sober. I felt all these things from him too....just under different circumstances.
We just need to love ourselves as much (or more) than the ones who hurt us.

Thank you all, I'm sitting here in a lobby of a hotel reading this, trying not to cry. I went to the next town last night and did a little shopping, eating, watching what I want to watch on tv, and slept peacefully. My husband is texting me, wondering when I'm coming home, acting all understanding, etc. This truly sucks, I did not sign up for this. Fear is holding me back from making big decisions now, mostly how it will effect my children, grandchildren, the whole family dynamic. They have no idea about their father.....and I know it sounds stupid, but I just can't deal with my parents, who are very supportive and loving, and have pretty much been mad at my husband for years regarding other things, and now this.......I just don't want them to hurt for me. I need counseling, don't I? ugh...

Your kids deserve to know. You are not protecting them or him. His secret only allows him to continue to blame shift and not face where he is out. Our vision is much clearer in the light of truth. You can't heal, fix, or change him. It's not your job. The only thing toy have control over its how you choose to handle it. If what you've been doing isn't working for you, change whet your doing.

Just like the addict has to walk through the fire and pain if recovery, so do the codependants and enablers. I believe telling your children will free a lot of weight off of your shoulders. It may sting really badly and be one of the more difficult things to do but once you release that toxic secret, you can lean on and support each other as the family of the addict.

as far as telling your parents? They may take time. I suggest taking on one hurdle at a time.

Thanks to your messages, I had the strength last week to sit down with my husband. I told him I wasn't going to ask questions, because he has been lying so much over the last few years. I was just going to talk. I told him I was not going to be in this "role" any longer, where he lies and sneaks around and I try to figure out what he's up to. I told him our marriage was rapidly deteriorating and I didn't think we'd be married much longer, that I was losing hope. He was quiet and hugged me and said we'd talk more later. Well, one week later and he came home from drinking and said, "I need to tell you something.". He said he's been drinking and now smoking(cigarrettes) because his Cocaine cravings have come back the last several months and this is the only way to control them. I told him he needs to go to a rehab, I don't care about the cost. We have to get my special needs daughter back to her apartment this weekend, but he promised that he will research rehabs and will do what it takes to take care of this. He said he felt relief that he finally told me. Husband was relieved that I was on board with rehab, this is my first glimmer of hope. He also asked me who we should tell, and we talked about how we would tell our grown children. I honestly don't know if our marriage will still survive, I just don't feel anything but concern for him. I've just started reading "co-dependent no more", my gosh, this is me!! Anyway, sorry so long, but thanks for the "push" to stand up for myself. We'll see what happens in the next few days, I'm really hoping he doesn't decide again he can do this himself.