Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My 1st husband got sober for the longest time in 1987. When he was in rehab, the therapist told me that if he was in real recovery, I would get a sincere apology...not that crap you hear every time they screw up. Or as they say in AA..."amends". To this day, I have never heard an apology from my 1st husband. He just quit drinking for eight years, but never changed. He was a jerk until the day he freaked out and I left him.
I first met my 2nd husband when he was 11. We grew up together, I left and got married and didn't see him for 16 years. When we got back together, he had been clean and sober 3 years and I heard those 'sincere" words of remorse and amends and he fully admitted all the things HE did and took responsibility for them. Two years later he relapsed and for the next 4 years I heard the same old apologizes that were not sincere. All those things I hear from the significant others in this group. Stuff we have all believed over and over and we keep the hope and say "we love them".
If we truly love them, we would see them get help. We would let them go to find real recovery and work on themselves. Sadly, however, I have not seen "real recovery" since I left my 2nd husband in 2005.
He calls now and again, but it's the same crap every time. I have not once heard "I'm Sorry" out of his mouth and he has not once taken responsibility for the things he's done since I left. And he's done horrible things. He's been with one woman after another (all addicts though, so he can really b.s. them) and he has beat up every one of them. And calls me and tells me how stupid they were to believe in him.
Take heed. There is that one in a million. And there is always hope. But we need to get on with our lives and put them on the back burner so they no longer have the power to hurt us or our children.
And I write this after an all day argument with my 24 year old son, who still blames me for the abuse and harrassment and rotten things he saw done to me when I was with my ex's.
I first met my 2nd husband when he was 11. We grew up together, I left and got married and didn't see him for 16 years. When we got back together, he had been clean and sober 3 years and I heard those 'sincere" words of remorse and amends and he fully admitted all the things HE did and took responsibility for them. Two years later he relapsed and for the next 4 years I heard the same old apologizes that were not sincere. All those things I hear from the significant others in this group. Stuff we have all believed over and over and we keep the hope and say "we love them".
If we truly love them, we would see them get help. We would let them go to find real recovery and work on themselves. Sadly, however, I have not seen "real recovery" since I left my 2nd husband in 2005.
He calls now and again, but it's the same crap every time. I have not once heard "I'm Sorry" out of his mouth and he has not once taken responsibility for the things he's done since I left. And he's done horrible things. He's been with one woman after another (all addicts though, so he can really b.s. them) and he has beat up every one of them. And calls me and tells me how stupid they were to believe in him.
Take heed. There is that one in a million. And there is always hope. But we need to get on with our lives and put them on the back burner so they no longer have the power to hurt us or our children.
And I write this after an all day argument with my 24 year old son, who still blames me for the abuse and harrassment and rotten things he saw done to me when I was with my ex's.
I'm not a therapist, but your last comment about your son, sadly he is blaming you, do you think that he is really lashing out at you v.s. blaming, you know, put the blame on you when he is really 'feeling' the blame on himself, like he should've been able to do something about it? He was young then, but do you think he is blaming himself in reality and maybe that is his way of crying out to you for some help in putting his feelings to 'rest' shall we say? Sounds like he needs a little help as well, for recovery.
Sadly, any type of addiction effects the entire family though we may not realize it.
Prayers and hugs to you!
All any of us can do is apology and just go on with our lives and show by example that way we intend to live now. I can't change the choices I made back then...but I can show my family that mom has changed.
The only reason I ask is because I have...and you know what? IT IS HARD!!!...I've been struggling a lot lately...and I often post in the depression group that Life is hard...and it IS!...but over the course of the last year, I've come to realize that as hard as life is...Recovery is harder...Real recovery requires real honesty...and the fact of the matter is that the truth hurts...that is why it is so hard...and that is why we get stuck...because it's hard and it hurts!
thats all...good luck.