Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
how can it be possibly recovery when the addict suddenly abandoned someone who cared so much about him and never rejected him even at his lowest point? he said he needed to focus on his recovery..he abruptly decided to be on his own. what is commendable with that? it still hurts so much. i saw a photo that he is in a 12 step retreat now.. i just couldnt reconcile the idea of attending a retreat while being emotionally careless with other peoples' hearts. i still feel abandoned. i wanted us to journey together. i felt dispensable. any partners in a mature and loving relationship normally has an acceptable level of wanting to be needed right? i feel awful again. this happens whenever i saw photos of him and that he is smiling and enjoying. whar did i do so badly to him to be rejected and abandoned this long?
It is only the start for them and I think they can only focus on themselves to get through a day. So hard to absorb for us but I have seen it over & over again. To this day my X is far from OK but is functioning. He switched from alcohol to pills- it is only a matter of time. There is a saying they use...fake it till you make it...which could explain the smile you mentioned. Keep moving forward for yourself, you never know what is in your future but don't be pulled down in any way due to this. Your addict is not healthy right now and you don't know if he ever really will be??
deep inside i cannot accept that he is doing this without me. even sick people can be compassionate and loving right.
I can't understand it either????
I think it has to do with extreme thinking.
The addict thinks it is OK to 100% push you away which makes no sense to either of us. We can understand them getting help but not to their extreme. They are usually all or nothing type thinkers.
I have met some alanon people who can be the same way. I met one who said I will not tell you anything - you must go to a meeting.(extreme without the substance problem).
She would not listen to me or respond!!! I did go a number of times to meetings and got very little out of it. Much more understanding, sharing, honesty here.
From my experience, their brain/thinking is the problem and the substance is only a symptom of the problem.
Hopefully someone has some perspective they can share.
your friend is working to overcome something most of us can't begin to fathom how hard it must be. Let them do the work so they can come back to you someday fully present.
Focus on yourself for now and try to be happy that your loved one is in a safe place.
I can absolutely understand the pain you're feeling, and the feelings of abandonment as well. Although it's exceedingly difficult to do so, try to remove the emotion from the situation as much as possible. Recovery from addiction is an extremely personal journey and often times, it isn't possible for even those closest to the addict to be a part of the journey in the beginning. This is especially true with faith-based rehabs. It is essential that an addict learn to rely entirely on God, remain focused on Him, and begin submitting fully to God's authority in every area of life. Even small distractions can become major distractions. The beginning stages of recovery are so very, very pivotal in the life of the addict. Their emotions are typically pretty raw and they are in a place of extreme vulnerability.
I'd be willing to bet that your spouse/significant other hasn't truly abandoned you, but rather is desperately trying to find some firm ground on which to stand. Give him time - all the time he requires - to achieve that stability. In the end, it will be worth the sacrifice. He needs to know that you are waiting for him, praying for him, and supportive of him.
When our son entered a faith-based rehab, he first submitted to a black-out period in which he was permitted no contact whatsoever with ANYONE outside the program. After the black-out period, immediate family ONLY was permitted to have a once-weekly, 15-minute phone call, and a once-weekly, 4 hour visit. No contact with his girlfriend {or other friends} was permitted at all. This was excruciating for both our son and his girlfriend - who talked of marriage before he entered rehab {before she knew he was an addict} - but both of them willingly submitted to the rules of the program for the benefit of our son and his recovery.
Remaining focused and learning to live a life of submission to God and God's laws was imperative to his successful recovery. To deviate from that would be to return to his old ways of living his life his own way, with no accountability to anyone. Departing from a life of addiction and all the baggage that goes with it is a long-term process. Our son was an addict & alcoholic for 10 years. It's usually not possible to un-learn such behaviors in a short period of time.
In rehab, our son was spending every day, 24/7, with other recovering addicts, godly leaders and pastors, attending faith-based Bible studies & support groups, participating in faith-based activities. The other "students" in the program fully understood the life he was leaving behind...they'd been there. Some of the leaders had been addicts/alcoholics in the past, conquered it, and went on to live very productive, positive lives. They were there to encourage the students, to hold them accountable, and to offer full-time support. This atmosphere was a very important part of the recovery process. Our son was completely removed from the old life and immersed in a new life, a new way of thinking, and a new way of coping.
Hang in there, try to be patient, and trust that the two of you will come together again when his healing is complete. Your relationship will be the better for it in the end. In fact, the only way your relationship stands a chance to endure is for him to be completely healthy...physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.
I pray that God will fill you with His Presence and His Peace as you wait for your miracle. In the meantime, surround yourself with God's Word and people who will love & encourage you. Be kind to yourself.
I know the pain you are going through, it feels like your heart has been broken in two and they are off laughing having a good time(or so we think) while we are miserable. I wish I could take this feeling away from you, but the only advice I can give is learn to think with your head instead of your heart. Our head knows the facts and the truth while our heart only feels one side.