welcome,,,, I commend you on how your handling this,,, not once in your post did I see poor me!!! It's very important to be honest with your kids,, and let them know what is going on,, of course on a kid friendly level,,, we have custody of our 6 year old granddaughter, her mother is a herion addict and because of her addiction has many legal problems surrounding her,,, she did spend 6 months in jail,,, and I did take her daughter to visit, i wanted her daughter to see, that her mother has not just abandon her,,,, every week I went to see my daughter, I also asked Ava if she wanted to go,,,, and the answer was always the same,, no,, but it allowed her to make that descion,, be very cautious with the term,, "being sick" because this gives them the insecurity that if you should get a cold,,, your going away,, I learned that one the hard way,,,, we did put Ava through counseling because she had a deep seperation anxiety, not from her mom,,, but,,, whenever I left the room,,,, what I've learned is just be very consisitent, and don't give in,, because their dad is not around,,,,, children are sponges and react off of our reactions,,,, regardless of the pain your going through,, or the hatred your feeling,,, cause those are normal,,, put those a side,,, at the end of the day,, it's still their dad,,, My choice of words were,,,,, your mother has a problem with using medication to much, and therefore at the moment is unable to take care of you,,, the way she should,, so G-mama, and Papa are making sure your taken very good care of,,, at this age, really the sense of security is the most important in their lives,,, when they get home,, will someone be there,, when they fall down,, will someone kiss their boo boo,, ect,,,, your 3 year old, will only really react off of her brother,, she really has no idea,, at that age,, they just want to be loved, fed, and played with,,,, although with your son,,, he does know more then what you think,, unfortunatly,,,,
I try not to constanty ask ava how she is feeling, cause they get annoyed, however we do projects,, such has playdough, and coloring and during that time, I incorporate how you doing,, without it sounding like I'm interogating,,,, every night we always includ her mom,, in our prayers,, that one day, she will come back to us,,,,, Its sad that these innocent kids have to be faced with addicition, hard for us to understand,,

just keep doing what your doing,,,, consisitency is so important right now,,,

ever you need any thing let me know!!,,,I did let her teacher know what is going on,, just in case she had a sad moment,,,,

remember its not about the storm,, but the ablity to dance in the rain,,,, this too shall pass!!

hugs

I have memorized Melodie Beatty's Codependent No More and all her follow-up books, so the "poor me's didn't just disappear. I'm still working very hard to combat these codependent characteristics. Thank you so much for the advice! You are right about saying they are "sick". That is why I'm telling them more specifics this time around. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, and best wishes to your granddaughter Ava as she works through the situation too. I appreciate the reminder not to be negative about their dad. I love Ben very much, and I'm so sad and angry about the situation his addiction has landed our family in. You are correct when you mentioned children being like sponges...even though I don't say negative things about their dad, I know they can sense my anger and depression. Thank you again for responding! I appreciate all the comments!!!

ava is actually doing very well,, fortunatly I'm young grandma,,(46), and also have three other children,, 16,17 and 20, 23(is my addict) yes, I had my kids young, and never in a million years would think at 46 I would be a room mom, plan play dates, and cart around to activities, but everything happens for a reason,, I believe... we never took the rights away from our daughter,,, she could come over everyday if she wanted,,,, she no longer lives with us, becasue we set boundaries the last time she moved back in,, and she choice to leave, when she could not abide by our simple rules,, of not useing in our home,,,,,if I answered the question today,, to revoke the custosdial rights,,we have,, back to K,, the answer saddly would be no,,,, our door is always open for visitis, anytime she wishes,, we would accepty phone calls,, but until she finds herself,, the safety and security of Ava is more important, I love my daughter,, and will always and forever continue to hope, that one day,,she will be a mom to her child,,,and a person that will respect herself again one day,,,,
when K does call,, which latley are few and far,, I make sure that she does not make empty promises to Ava,,, I never say she is comming over,, because I've learned that you can not be let down, if your not expecting,,,,, I'm a very up beat,, postivie person,,, and trust there are days,, when I could just rip my daughters eyes out,, from all the pain she has caused us,,, but then I stop myself and will never ever again allow the addict to consume my life to insanity again,,,,,

Welcome to our group. Sorry you have to be here.
It must be very hard for young children, if someone asks them where their dad is, I guess they can answer the name of the town the prison is in. Sometimes kids need definitive answers to "what do I do if..."

The best thing you can do for them is what you are already doing. communicating. loving, being calm, taking good care of yourself, and obviously talking pretty nicely about their dad. I think the one thing I learned with my kids (different circumstances) was to let them express anger or frustration or sadness. That it is ok to be disappointed or hurt. I think it would be healthy for you to express it too. And lastly, from all the junk I have seen on TV...don't let your oldest think he has to take over the man of the house role...that seemed to be a common problem.

Please feel welcomed, and know that we will try to offer support for everything from free advice, to support, to an ear to listen to vents and rages. we have all been there.

Welcome!!

I also commend you...you're holding it together and I can see how much you love your children!

I'm reading a book right now that I wish everyone would read. Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through the Eyes of a Child by Jerry Moe.

I was desperate to find something to guide me for how to help my 6 yr old son through my husband's addiction. I've seen a pattern with him acting out, having behavior issues in school lately, and it's been something that has me worried. So I just found this book and the concepts in it blow me away. Just because we all know how smart kids are, but you REALLY see how smart kids are when you read this book. It's about $14 on Amazon. (If you do read it btw, let me know. I'd love to have someone else to talk about it with)

I love the idea of your gratitude jar! Awesome idea to keep things positive!! Good stuff!!

I can't tell you whether or not you should bring the kids to the prison for visits. Maybe this is something you can talk to your therapist about?? It may be helpful to see Daddy. It may be hurtful to see Daddy. Only you can decide and maybe even talk to the kids.

It's hard being the one to hold it all together when you really just want to break down and cry for hours. I struggled a lot with my husband's addiction to pain pills because I felt like a single parent. I had no marriage because his marriage was to the pills. He's relapsed twice and is most recently 42 days clean.

Welcome to the boards. This place has been my safe haven! As well as Nar-Anon. If you haven't checked out the program, I suggest you take a look. It's helpful. I use both support groups all the time because it's what I need to keep me sane!

Wow! What a warm welcome! To be honest, I did get on this site quite a bit in 2010, but I was just learning about codependency and still checking his cell phone and enabling to the hilt then. I wasn't ready to focus on me. I appreciate that you are all commending me on how I'm handling this situation, but trust me, I'm not always doing well. I have only been in counseling for two sessions. My therapist is amazing, and she is planning on retiring in a year or two. She said she has never seen someone with such extreme depression that manifests itself in anxious behaviors. If you are going to do something, do it right. :)

Tryinghardx3--I will order that book! I teach high school English and LOVE to read, so I will check it out very soon and let you know my thoughts. And it is very hard to hold it all together...I cry in the bathroom a lot, and on my way to and from work everyday. I spend a lot of time at the cemetery too because my mom passed away just over a year ago. Thank you for the suggestion about Nar-Anon. I went to some Al-Anon meetings, but it didn't seem like a good fit for me. Reading, journaling, and individual counseling seems to be doing me wonders though. I'm so sorry to meet you through this site. Addiction is such a sad way to watch a loved one disappear. I'm so glad to hear he has some clean time under his belt right now. Take care of you!

Blueviolet---I'm sad I have to be here too, and I'm sorry to be meeting you here and not in a more joyful place. I loved the suggestion about discussing "what to do if"...I need to give my kids the language to deal with this situation and their feelings, so this would be a great tool! Also, I appreciate the thought about not letting my oldest take over the man of the house position. Sometimes I think I rely on his help doing things too much since he is capable of doing more than my three year old.

Cardinal39--The part you mentioned about empty promises is so true. That has happened more than a few times to myself and my kids, and I have learned not to announce anything ahead of time as well. I will be thinking of your daughter, you and Ava.

Thank you all for the big welcome back! I'm so much stronger than I was a couple of years ago, but clearly not strong enough to remove myself from the situation entirely. I still have a great deal of work to do on myself to lead a joyful life rather than one of anxious trepidation and pain from another's addiction and my own codependency.

Welcome, it is very hard having to explain addiction to adults let alone children, but it is very clear they have a very loving, educated and dedicated mom. That is half the battle. I learned from my sons's addiction that I didn't want my daughter to be a casuality of war ( if I may). Love them with all your heart, and be a honest as you feel comfortable with. In your childrens eyes, this is Dad and that's what's most important to them. You are doing great and I admire you reaching out so that you can learn and grow.

Kimberly, I want to add my welcome too. All of us have the same horrible reason for being here ( in some fashion). I know that this site has been a life saver for me. The friends i've met here have helped me survive my son's addiction. It's a safe place to cry, vent and ask questions... wishing you peace and strength...Your boys are very blessed to have you for a mom.

Hello and welcome. I think you are doing great in the way you are dealing with your kids. being honest and keeping it simple based on there age is very good. As time goes on and if there father does not resolve his addication issues you may have to get a little more detailed about addication being the diease it is so they will have a better understanding of what he is going through. Hopefully it wont come to that and there father will take advantage of the program they are offering him. As far as bringing them to see him its a judgement call on what you feel is in your kids best welfare. PRAYERS

I'm sure the answer to whether or not to take children to a jail or prison to visit their parent will always be based on individual circumstances. I separated from and then was divorced from my children's father in 2000-2002. He was sentenced to 15 years in prison. When he went away, my daughter was 12 & my son was almost 15. He had a no contact order with my daughter, so that made the decision not to take her an easy one. As for my son, he did go a handful of times over the course of almost 10 years, but never because I took him. His stepmother took him a couple of times and I think he went by himself a couple of times, and these were during his teen years. My daughter went once, I think, also with the stepmom, when she was around 15. I think it was a pretty scary and negative experience for my daughter. My son didn't go very many times in all of those years, so I'd guess it wasn't too pleasant for him either. His dad was at least 100 miles away, but my son always has found ways to get to wherever he needed to go to buy dope, so I know if he really WANTED to visit his dad, he would've done so more. I never would've taken them, but the circumstances were different than yours. The kids did keep in contact through letters and phone calls throughout his incarceration. It sounds like you are handling your situation very, very well. What does the counselor suggest about taking the kids for visits? Maybe your husband could send slips of paper in his letters to the kids to add to your family gratitude jar..........

TryingHardX3, Thank you so much for that book suggestion. I just purchased it for my Nook. It was just under $11, I think. I can't wait to read it. I have adopted my 5 yo GS. My son is his bio father and is a heroin addict. I also have a daughter who is a heroin addict and has a little guy just a year old. I want to be able to help the boys, and I also think this book will help me as well. Message me if you want to discuss the book.................I'm just getting started on it, though. Thanks, again.

Gmawilli--What a great suggestion for Ben to send his gratitude slips in the mail to add to our jar! I love this idea to include him and show them that he is still a part of their lives and to give Ben another way to stay connected to them and keep positive as well. I haven't talked to my counselor about whether or not to take my kids to see their dad yet. I meet with her on Thursdays, so I'll check then and post her response.

I'm so happy I chose to get back on this site! It is hard to find the time to get on and do much, but I plan to keep coming back. I very much appreciate the kind comments on how I'm handling this, but whoa buddy...look out for later posts. I just cried in the bathroom hyperventilating for about 30 minutes before I logged on. I feel so empty and I'm just going through the motions right now. I have my eyes on what I need to be doing to live each moment and enjoy each second with my little ones, but I can't seem to do it yet--hence the therapy to learn to live in the moment.

Thank you all again for the warm welcome!!!

I went to visit my addict tonight. It was a rough visit for him, but not so much for me. My heart is so sad for him because of the decisions he has made, and I still love the person underneath the mess. However, I'm ready to be done with this addiction and welcome peace and serenity into my life--well, as much serenity as two little boys will allow. :) Anyway, I just wanted to update everyone that I've decided to take my 7-year-old to visit on Sunday afternoon. I think he needs to see his dad and the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. I'm going to discuss it with my therapist tomorrow too. Thanks again to all!