Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi everyone. I'm wondering if I can get two perspectives on this- that from other partners of addicts and possibly from recovered addicts themselves. Sorry, this is long.
I was not aware until recently my ex was a drug addict. He was in the pink cloud phase when I met him and he wasn't doing anything to maintain his sobriety- no meetings, he was drinking, etc.
When the relapse first started there were moments where he was more himself, not entirely, but close. Usually in the mornings, if he'd managed to get some sleep, he was sweet and affectionate. He'd kiss my belly. Apologize for recent behavior. As the day wore on, he'd get meaner and aggressive and some nights he would leave and not come back until late the next day. If I ever tried calling him to come home home on these nights, he'd be downright cruel and say awful things. Once I'd figured out he was in active addiction I confronted him. We talked and he admitted it. He told me he was done.
A few days later he didn't come home again and I left. However, I didn't actually end our relationship until I found out about an affair several weeks after that. I asked him to end it and he refused. This was with another addict who he wouldn't have touched with a ten foot pole when he was sober.
He was a wonderful man once. He doted on me and dedicated himself to making me happy. He always told me how lucky he was to be with me and that he'd never let me go. I felt the same way about him. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. I told him at first, I'd be supportive and I'd never give up on him. But I can't get past what he's done and what he's doing.
There have been several times in the last few weeks that he has told me I shouldn't have to go through this and that I deserve better. But he was reluctant to break up and he doesn't seem to be too happy about my dating other people (eventually). Although his actions make it pretty clear he doesn't care about me at all.
My question is this. Is it horrible that I am already considering moving on? I'm terrified that the person I met doesn't exist and that I'm only setting myself up for more heartbreak. That there isn't a normal for him because I can't associate the man I knew with the one he is today. I'm not sure what to expect if and when he finally does stop. I'm scared to hope. But am I giving up too quickly?
I was not aware until recently my ex was a drug addict. He was in the pink cloud phase when I met him and he wasn't doing anything to maintain his sobriety- no meetings, he was drinking, etc.
When the relapse first started there were moments where he was more himself, not entirely, but close. Usually in the mornings, if he'd managed to get some sleep, he was sweet and affectionate. He'd kiss my belly. Apologize for recent behavior. As the day wore on, he'd get meaner and aggressive and some nights he would leave and not come back until late the next day. If I ever tried calling him to come home home on these nights, he'd be downright cruel and say awful things. Once I'd figured out he was in active addiction I confronted him. We talked and he admitted it. He told me he was done.
A few days later he didn't come home again and I left. However, I didn't actually end our relationship until I found out about an affair several weeks after that. I asked him to end it and he refused. This was with another addict who he wouldn't have touched with a ten foot pole when he was sober.
He was a wonderful man once. He doted on me and dedicated himself to making me happy. He always told me how lucky he was to be with me and that he'd never let me go. I felt the same way about him. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. I told him at first, I'd be supportive and I'd never give up on him. But I can't get past what he's done and what he's doing.
There have been several times in the last few weeks that he has told me I shouldn't have to go through this and that I deserve better. But he was reluctant to break up and he doesn't seem to be too happy about my dating other people (eventually). Although his actions make it pretty clear he doesn't care about me at all.
My question is this. Is it horrible that I am already considering moving on? I'm terrified that the person I met doesn't exist and that I'm only setting myself up for more heartbreak. That there isn't a normal for him because I can't associate the man I knew with the one he is today. I'm not sure what to expect if and when he finally does stop. I'm scared to hope. But am I giving up too quickly?
And btw...if he was drinking when you met him, that wasn't sober. My son quit all his drugs and I was so happy because he was "only drinking" and that is what got him in to more trouble than anything else. using is using.
I say go on and have a happy life.
If the universe decides (that he is the right person for you) it will work out,..but why be a martyr? it serves no purpose. And (if he is not the right person) God can't put the right person in your life if you are hanging on to the wrong one.
PEACE!
He is doing much better and progress is being made.
If I am honest with myself, if we didn't have kids, I think I would have been out the door.
It sounds like you have already made a decision, that it is time to move on. Give yourself this gift and focus on YOU! If he is still drinking, there is no sense, in him dragging you down until he hits rock bottom. Go and have the life you deserve and be happy!
He did all the wrong things and he himself has told me that he was headed for a relapse inevitably- once the relapse was in full swing. He just kept thinking he could control it and that if he indulged in beer moderately, he could hold his disease at bay. He told me he thought that maybe he could be normal- like me.
Perhaps it is that feeling of guilt that keeps us holding on? That feeling that I'm giving up on the man he was and wanted to be, that person who was excited about being father and who would have done anything for me and my baby. I feel like I'm letting that person down.
My biggest mistake was letting him come home. Also, not doing enough research on addiction and talking to professionals. He came home and we both treated it like a blip on the radar screen. Now, our lives are in shambles, our finances are in shambles and most days I feel like I am barely hanging on.
If I could go back in time and do it differently I would.
These are his choices...you aren't letting anyone down. But, bringing a child into a household with addiction, is a tough road, especially if he is still drinking/using....
Assuming you keep the baby, the two of you are going to be connected. You can support him in attempts at sobriety for the sake of your child. That does not mean that you have to be together. Moving on with your life is not the same as giving up on him.
If you're not ready to date other people, that's fine. You will be ready when you're ready. For now, concentrate on taking care of yourself and building a life. He is on his own journey.
Have you ever watched the series Parenthood? If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. I won't give away spoilers, but there are a couple of relationships that I think you could learn from. Sarah's ex-husband is Seth, who is an alcoholic and an addict. The show explores their relationship and the effect his addiction had on their two children, Amber and Drew. The second relationship is with Amber and Ryan.
I also want to point out that sobriety does not necessarily mean a change in personality. While he's using, he's picking up bad habits. He's mean and abusive. He's learning that you will put up with it. Even if he gets sober, that meanness and abusiveness may not go away. He may repeat it with your child. My son has been off opiates for more than two years now and I still see some of the bad character traits that he picked up while using. I don't know that he'll ever fully recover from this.
It also doesn't mean that he will always be sober. I have two friends that were married to alcoholics/addicts. One married a recovering alcoholic and he relapsed after 20 years of sobriety. She nearly divorced him, but the relapse was short and he went to rehab and remained sober. The other friend divorced her husband. He eventually got sober and stayed sober for 25 years. Then he relapsed badly and was arrested after smashing his car into a tree outside an elementary school after huffing inhalants. He is back to being sober now and has been for 5 years. She never regrets divorcing him, but they have remained good friends and co-parents of their two children. She is a great example of a person who supports his sobriety and has not given up on him, but has built a new life for herself away from his craziness.
I guess I'm confused because I've recently had an ex come back into my life. Someone I met when I was too young to understand how to make a relationship work but who has never forgotten me. Someone I still care about very much but I never thought I'd see again. It's crazy because I'm very pregnant at this point.
I think that I'm vulnerable and emotional and I don't think that it's fair to me, him, or the baby, to rush into something new when I'm still very broken. I think that I need to focus on my emotional well being, on my baby's health, and take my time.
Which is easier said than done. I just got a particularly nasty email demanding a DNA test. Sigh. I'm on my last month of pregnancy and he is definitely doing his best to make my life difficult. I don't even know how to respond to that. Sometimes I wish he would leave us alone until he got sober. I've requested that and he won't stop. I've even told bim I don't want any money or child support and it's not enough for him.