Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
It seems that our recovering addict {sober 6 months} now has all the answers and has decided that we {his parents} need fixing. He is constantly riding us about regular church attendance and attending Celebrate Recovery meetings. He feels that we are wallowing in a sea of negativity and are in a state of spiritual back-sliding.
We've tried to calmly explain to our 29-year-old that life in your 20's and 30's is very different from life in your 50's. He was riding me just a few minutes ago telling me that we don't accept that he knows what we need. I tried to reiterate that, although he has made a tremendous amount of progress over the past 6 months, he is NOT where we are in life and couldn't even begin to understand fully.
Our 29-year-old is living in our house, driving my vehicle, eating our food, etc. He is at present, unemployed. We, by contrast, have been self-employed all of our adult lives, have worked very very hard, and are now facing the issues of mid-life. My husband has a degenerative nerve disease which will eventually render him unable to walk. We are looking at how in the world we'll be able to survive financially, all the while facing the major life changes just around the corner.
I tried to explain to our son that at 29 and finally in recovery, he has his entire life still ahead of him. He's engaged and actively planning his future. All of that is behind us. I've tried to gently remind our son that dealing with 2 out of 2 addicted adult children has taken quite the toll over the past 10 years. While I understand that he is dealing with his own set of stresses, he fails to understand how much of his stress is actually on our shoulders.
It would be so much easier and better for all of us if he were living somewhere else during this time. He naturally has a very strong personality - as does my husband - and that only adds to the stress.
I am so angry right now I could spit! I'm also pretty hurt.
We've tried to calmly explain to our 29-year-old that life in your 20's and 30's is very different from life in your 50's. He was riding me just a few minutes ago telling me that we don't accept that he knows what we need. I tried to reiterate that, although he has made a tremendous amount of progress over the past 6 months, he is NOT where we are in life and couldn't even begin to understand fully.
Our 29-year-old is living in our house, driving my vehicle, eating our food, etc. He is at present, unemployed. We, by contrast, have been self-employed all of our adult lives, have worked very very hard, and are now facing the issues of mid-life. My husband has a degenerative nerve disease which will eventually render him unable to walk. We are looking at how in the world we'll be able to survive financially, all the while facing the major life changes just around the corner.
I tried to explain to our son that at 29 and finally in recovery, he has his entire life still ahead of him. He's engaged and actively planning his future. All of that is behind us. I've tried to gently remind our son that dealing with 2 out of 2 addicted adult children has taken quite the toll over the past 10 years. While I understand that he is dealing with his own set of stresses, he fails to understand how much of his stress is actually on our shoulders.
It would be so much easier and better for all of us if he were living somewhere else during this time. He naturally has a very strong personality - as does my husband - and that only adds to the stress.
I am so angry right now I could spit! I'm also pretty hurt.
SO....1. he will get past this and get to a balanced state
2. he will continue on this path forever and he will have to move out. and it may always be a separation between you all, but he will be sober.
3. you quote him some serious scripture about respecting his parents and tell him you need respect and peace or he is out.
and at 29, he really does need to be out of there pretty soon..do you all have a plan or agreed time frame?
And lastly I want to totally validate that you should be fed up, frustrated, tired, and pissed off.
Our friend Cardinal taught us all to keep discussions short...15 words...Say "I don't want you preaching at me, so quiet or leave" or whatever carries that idea.
My son did eventually reach a point where his whole life wasn't about meetings and addiction, it was about living a healthy life....I hope your kid gets there too...believe me it is a great relief.
I think your son needs to show more respect to both you and your husband. If he is engaged, he needs to start working on establishing foundations for him and his spouse. He needs a job, and he should attend school, if he hasn't already.
I can tell you have tried to do the right thing, but I think the line in the sand must be drawn.
I wish you the best.
Yesterday, I had decided to attend CR {Celebrate Recovery} w/our son this Friday night because he's been riding us so much about it. My thinking was that maybe this is really important to him, that we be a part of his recovery . . . I don't know . . . what do you think?
Personally, neither my husband nor myself feels led to attend. We feel like this group is there for our son and us being there may prevent him from being as open as he needs to be.
But today, I'm rethinking attending Friday . . . I don't want him strong-arming me into doing something I don't feel led to do.
I try to be mindful of how far he's come, yet at the same time I'm also mindful of how he used us - and our resources - in the past. We truly know he needs to get out on his own.
I can't say we've set an exact date yet but I agree that is something we need to do . . . sooner rather than later. We are at a loss for how much time to extend. If we tell him to leave too soon, it could be detrimental to his recovery. If we give him too long to stay, that also could be detrimental to his recovery.
I truly covet the wise advice of those of you who have been through all of this - and survived!
That he is ready to fly and you as his healing parents release him to sore in his life while you and your husband learn to reestablish your own lives and enjoy your time together not they he is sober.
Then i would not engage him in his "let me fix everybody elses problems" banter.
even though my son is recovered I could not live with him. him and I still clash and living together would be a disaster for his sobriety and also for mine. I am too anxious and too controlling (I am working on that and in a 12 step group called freedom session) God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can..... good luck . I understand where you are and how difficult it is. try not to be around your son too much . live your own life while supporting his recovery is my advice xoxo
" . . . release him to sore in his life while you and your husband learn to reestablish your own lives . . ."
If only we could get him to soar out of our house!
Seriously, though, thank you ALL for your words of wisdom. I gratefully accept what you have to say. Maybe I'll go ahead and give C.R. a try tomorrow night.
They say life is hard...Don't they realize that life is hard for everyone and they make it SO MUCH HARDER FOR US THAN IT HAS TO BE WITH THEIR ADDICTION, HARMFUL BEHAVIORS AND BAD CHOICES --
do they get that!!