Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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opinions needed

deehigs
deehigs
As most of you know I have 3 kids. My oldest son 20 is my qualifier. I have 2 younger daughters 14 and 12. here is where I am seeking opinions. my 14 year old is a wonderful kid that has never given me a days trouble.my 12 year old is pretty much a carbon copy of the 14 year old except a little mouthy LOL anyway the problem is this my 14 year old just called from her best friends house to ask if she could sleepover here and another one of her friends also. I told her I wasn't feeling that great and maybe we could do it another time and she understood. the truth of the matter is that I feel like a phony and a liar because I have not told her bestfriends parents about the situation with my son. to complicate matters her bf dad is a police officer and I know he would not let his daughter stay here in light of the fact that my son was arrested a few weeks ago due to drugs. I am not trying to cover up for my son but I feel that my daughters should not have to suffer for their brothers choices. I am also quite good friends with this girls mom and I feel so fake as to never have let her in on my sons situation. It is such a hard call because I as a mom would not be happy if I found out my daughters were going to someones house with a similar situation. I don't know what to do???? my husband says I cant think like this and if I felt this way we should not have let my son move back in after his arrest but this has been an ongoing issue in my head really since my hell started two years ago. at that time my daughter was having a big sleepover party here with about a dozen friends and I had to cancel it with a lie saying my furnace broke and we had no heat so we couldn't have the sleepover the truth is my son had to be admitted to the psychiatric unit from his withdrawal complications and I would NEVER have put anyone elses children at risk while he was going through that because he was suffering hallucinations and I did not know if he could become dangerous I also removed my two daughters from the house at that time because I would never risk their safety either my best friend of 30 years took them to her house and she has 2 girls my girls ages so it worked out ok. she is the only person besides our family that know of Matts issues. I am not proud of my son for what hes done but I love him and will stand behind him in his quest for sobriety. do I want people to judge him for this no of course not but the fact is his info is out there as far as his arrest goes and that's on him I don't want my daughters to pay for his crimes either by being shunned or talked about or left out or whatever... BTW when I cancelled my daughters party I ended up giving her a great party out at a venue like two months later to make it up to her . its bad enough that I have to be judged for what my son has chosen to do against every fiber of my being but I cant let my girls be judged. any thjoughts ? Advice on the best way to deal with this? I guess the good thing is they will in a few short years be older and out of school so it wont be as big an issue in regard to them dealing with the aftermath thanks everyone
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
why, my dear friend, do your daughter's friend's parents have to know about your son so she can sleep at THEIR house?
and if he is a cop, you don't think he already knows?
Good move on not having your kids or anyone else exposed to his hallucinations.
My son was crazy as a loon all through high school. My daughter was an honor student one year behind. One day a girl showed up at my house and my daughter answered the door....the girl said "what are you doing here?" and my daughter said "what is my name?" the girl said her first and last name....my daughter said "and who are you here to see?" and she said my son's first and last name. and then repeated her question to my daughter"what are you doing here?"
and my daughter said "you are too stupid to come in." and slammed the door in her face.
I wasn't home. it was funny (rude, but funny) and it illustrates that not everyone associates one sibling with another...even my two a year apart.
It is what it is....your kids know about it and have your support, and if anything, they may get asked questions from other kids about how to stop their sibling, or parent from addictive behavior.
Be proud of who you are and all the kids. You did a tremendous job. and if he is struggling with an illness and people can't accept it, then they are not looking in their own family closets.
No, you cannot expose someone elses kid to his active addiction and acting out, anymore than you would send your kids to a sleepover at an alcoholic parent's house.
maybe I feel different because my kid was on our small town TV every flipping tuesday and thursday for a month on our court tv....while I was a CE director for a fairly large church, and everyone at my husband's job saw it....but really? the only ones who said anything were some gossips at his office, and then all the people who called us or came knocking to ask US for advice.
what is the worst that could happen? They are at the age where if anything, unfortunately, it might make them (your two) cool....
So, the kid can't stay at your house, so what...why carry guilt??? the cop knows lots of good families that have far worse going on behind their closed doors. your aren't asking him for any favors...
we are all imperfect human beings. Your friends won't think less of you. they may not know what to do, but true friends won't be lost.
release control issues, and be free.
why teach your kids to be ashamed?
I love you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I read your question several times, and struggled with the answer. Blueviolet answered it so well. I think that the hardest thing for me has been to not feel my adult daughter's addiction is a direct reflection on my parenting. People don't need to know details, but if it comes up I say "She has been very ill, but is working hard for recovery". I tell them that sharing more is her responsibility and I won't betray her privacy. The other fear that I have is that her use of these horrible drugs will ruin her reputation within our community and our family irreparably. Yet during counseling, she is the one who told me "Tell anyone you need to tell, and do whatever you need to do, to find your own inner peace". I wish you some peace with all of this too.
dmatt124
dmatt124
Why? Is correct. Don't think for one moment everyone has their issue, the skeletons in the closet. Your life does not have to be an open book. There are some things that need not be shared, not until you want to reveal them, I remember when my daughter was having her girlfriend over and seam was pulling one of his "episodes" and I said please do not have your girlfriend come over, ( note they were 24) but the real issue was me, not them, I was so in throws of his craziness that I couldn't take the laughter in my house when I was so consumed with saving my son. Step,back, breathe, and understand that this is your time, your challenge, and your family and right now you do not have to share any of this with anyone until you feel comfortable. You are a remarkable mom, and you have an extraordinary children, you as we all hit a fork in the road. Just be careful not to make your other children a casualty of your sons addiction, I did. And I am thankful I realized that my daughter was so full of pain as we we're, love you my friend,
deehigs
deehigs
This is exactly why I come here because I know I will get awesome advice from my true friends. Just want to clarify a couple things . Blue my daughter wanted them to sleep here that is why I felt so torn because I don't think it's fair to let other kids stay over in light of his situation. I don't think her bf family would hold it against my daughter because they absolutely love her and for good reason she is a really great kid! Although I know in my heart I did not cause or contribute to my sons drug use in anyway I am well aware that a lot of people do judge and falsely blame the parents even though it is no ones fault but the addict themselves. It hurts me to think that people would blame me because if they only knew how hard I have worked to try and help my son and change him they would never judge but as we all know it is not up to me but it is his choice . Right now Matt is sober he us not hanging out with old "friends" and he is taking proactive steps to help himself. Of course he had a lot hanging over his head in coming days with regards to what is going to happen with his case. The stress level in this house is way too high. Partly because of all the unknowns but I am taking it one day at a time. Dee Oh my God when you said you couldn't even take the laughter in your house because of your worry with Sean it really hit home that is exactly what I have been doing and I know that is completely unfair to my girls. I know I need to work on that and letting go. It seems just when I think I am getting there something happens and sets me back again. I don't like my life right now as a matter if fact I hate it and that really bothers me I don't want to go through life feeling like this. Some days are not as bad but then there are days where I wish I wasn't here anymore. I know that's not an option I have the girls to raise but I am just so drained sometimes. Sorry I know how depressing this sounds and I need to continue to work on me getting better it's just hard when you're living in it. So thank you all for your thoughts I appreciate them so much and I really love you guys. Dee
marg6300
marg6300
Dee I hate how you are feeling.... I am a little further along than you because I no longer care what other people think of my son. he is an addict and he is also sick and I don't have the time or strength to hide it or cover it up. My three other kids have had to grow up with a brother who is an addict and they are thriving despite him.. I have had to teach them acceptance and they in turn have taught their friends acceptance who in turn have taught their parents acceptance... I promise you that we have not lost any friends who were really our friends because my son is an addict and trust me my son has done horrible things to LOTS of people. In time you will learn to live dare I say comfortably? with this disease but in your own time and own place. Don't rush it. We all love you and support you here but I'm willing to bet that you have people all around you who would offer comfort if they only realized you need it...
You are a great mom and you are doing the best you can ...
Marg